An Ungrateful Child
I need advice. My 11 year-old ss is pretty rude to me. He does not yell or get smart with me, but he just does not acknowledge me. When I say good morning or good night he does not respond. When I serve dinner, he does not say thank you. It is very noticeable, especially when everyone else is saying thank you. I am tired of speaking and not receiving a response. My husband has talked to him numerous times about this. Even on my birthday, he did not tell me happy birthday, him or his 8 year old brother. And it wasn't as if they did know because on the previous day it was the 8 year old's birthday. I baked him a cake, bought him a gift, and we all went skating. The next day, my birthday, they said absolutely nothing to me. When I came home I had balloons, a cake, a giant card, and a few other things. And mom son reminded them and told me happy birthday a 110 times right in front of them. So even if they forgot, that should have reminded them. Not to mention on their mom's birthday, I purchased a nice card for them to send her. I also had them draw some things and we sent her a big package. When my husband got home he asked me if they had told me happy birthday. I told him no and he said he had a feeling that they did not. He was pretty upset. I told him don't worry about it, but he said he had to say somehing because it was just rude. So he talked to them and chastised them about being ill mannered. The 11 year old claimed he was going to tell me later! That was in January, but he is still the same way. It makes me not want to interact with him. When he wants something like a snack, he'll send my son or his brother to ask me if his father is not home. I simply tell them that in this house everyone has to ask for what they want.
How do I handle this problem?
Those evil SC's
You know, mine did the same to me and sometimes still does, it's their way of punishment, I think. I stopped serving them supper, for one thing. I have been very hard on my SS's lately because this has to stop!!! I pulled the rug out from under them both. If they don't want to treat me like part of their family, why should I act like one? So I stopped doing all but the most basic things for them. If I cooked supper and they did not thannk me or just acted like the food came from some magic fairy, I didn't put a plate in front of them. When they asked where there food was I told them it was in the land of polite children who could say thank you. If they wanted a snack but refused to ask themselves, they did not get one. If they "forgot" my birthday, I "forgot theirs." Kids thinking is really simple and sometimes you just have to get down on their level and show them how bleak life can be if they can't participate in it. It may sound harsh but after exhausting every other possibility out there this is my only recourse.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Thanks
Sometimes I think like that, but then I feel bad. I feel like I should be the adult...but I still have feelings. It is like punishment. I do a lot for these children and have them treat me like this insulting to say the least. Last night I baked chocolate chip cookies from scratch. Instead of serving him his cookies and milk, I placed his on the counter. When he came in the kitchen he looked a little surprised not to see his snack at his place at the table. I just don't want to be that way! I just wish he would stop!! But I know that he won't. My husband says that he thinks that he probably resents me because his mother is in jail. Unfortunately, that is not my fault!!!
You must give to receive.
That's a good lesson for all kids to learn. Until they start giving back, then can stop expecting to receive. It's horrible about the mother and no child deserves that, but you also can't fudge on teaching them basic manners just because you feel sorry for them. I think you were on the right track giving him a dose of his own medicine.
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
That's right
It's not your fault. It's not your fault his mother is in jail, it's not your fault he doesn't have any manners and it's not your fault that you love him and he treats you like trash. I know the guilt feeling. I get it too and when I do, I remind myself that anything worth accomplishing doesn't come without a little pain. Don't let the control how you handle him. It's hard, I know. Oh boy do I know. I have cried because I have had to be so harsh but you know what? I would perfer a few hours of guilt to a lifetime of frustation, hurt and eventually resenment. I just remind myself that I am not abusing them ( I could NEVER do that) and that if I want any peace, I have to start somewhere.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
You Are Right
I feel my resentment building already. He is going to have to learn the hard way. I wo't be serving him any longer. It just blows my mind!!! I wonder if he will behave differently after his mom's trial and she gets sentenced.
It might get worse
Right now he probably hold out hope that she'll come home. When she gets sentenced, he'll know there's no chance of that and will probably act out more. I feel for him but that does give him a free pass to treat you like crap. I have faith in you, you can do it.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
My SS treats me exactly the same..
Well when he was coming here, he hasn't for 2 months because he doesn't want me in his life. The ignorance thing is so hurtful isn't it? My SS ignored my existance, in my house mind you, for 2.5 years!! But MN Lloyd is right, if there are no manners - no service, forget my birthday - forget yours. Yes we do have to be the adult and yes I could see myself feeling really bad but when you have tried everything else, maybe this would work. Call it a simple lesson with no adult complications. Thanks Lloyd if he ever comes back these will be my new rules!!
Catch xx
you are doing too much for SS
My SD is exactly the same. It's lack of respect and rudeness. It's not your issue. Stop baking cookies from scratch and making a huge effort. He doesn't deserve it and doesn't appreciate it and you will just continue to resent him for it.
On the weekend I had a huge win with DH. SD sat down as usual at the dinner table and said "I want my dadda to sit next to me" - knowing that I had no way of sitting next to him if this occurred. DH must have seen my face because finally he told SD "NO" i'm sitting next to (me)" You know what? SD accepted it and carried on as usual.
I am glad to hear that your partner acknowledges his child's rudeness. I would respect that and not worry too much about SS. It's his issue, not yours. Kids need boundaries. SS needs to be told that he doesn't have to like or love you, but he does have to respect you.
Update on Court
Her pretrial is wrapped up and she was not released. Trial is set for 4/23 after jury selection. The clerk said it is expected to last 2-3 days. That sounds pretty short for a murder trial, but there is just so much evidence against her that I guess it couldn't be very long. I feel sooooo nervous just thinking that she could possibly be found innocent!!!! Keep us in your thoughts.
I have a little different
I have a little different take on this. I do absolutely nothing physical for other people's children. I am kind and polite to stepson (15)who is with us every other weekend. My husband takes care of him completely.
My husband and I get along beautifully. My kids are all adults & he treats them with kindness & respect. I handle my own kids.
I know children, they take things for granted and I don't want to be subjected to that because it would hurt me. This set-up works for us.
We are not the Brady bunch------and I like it that way.