New here-need some help
My story is long so I will try not to bore you with the details, but I am a mother to 3 and a sm to 1. My ss came into my life at age 2 and he is now 12. He lived with my husband myself for most of those 10 years, but moved in with his mom about 3 years ago. While ss lived with us he had a lot of behavioral problems, but I was extremely involved and active in his life. Well, not long before he moved out (he moved out because my dh was deployed to Iraq) he told me he hated me and told me had hated me for years-no reason why that was just how he felt. Well, he has stuck to this for the last 3 years. He reminds me every couple of months that he just doesnt like me, doesnt like to be around me, or talk to me. He completely acts as if I dont exist when he is here-he will not even say hello unless forced and can easily go well over a week without initiating any conversation with me at all. If he finds himself in a room alone with me, he gets up and leaves. When he did live here he talked to me all the time (he also yelled at me but we had decent moments as well). he is now extending this rejection to my kids who are 12, 11, and 8. He has point blank told them that he really does not like to be around them. He also has been making comments the last 6 months or so about how nasty our home is. Our home is not nasty-it is quite large and nice and we live in a gated community on a lake. His mom lives in a 60 year old house that has been divided into 3 apartments and they have been living off public aid for the last 3 years. People get shot in his neighborhood, while things like that have literally never happened where we live.
So what do we do? My husband is rather devasted as ss also is not real interested in visiting us unless we are going on a trip, to the local amusement park, etc. He rejects everything about us and literally controls the household with his hateful behaviors. We just don't know what to do-i am to the point where I almost hate him because he is just so dang mean to me and mine. There is not anything I can do-and he has told me this-He hates me for no particular reason and is not interested in getting along with me. We've tried everything this has been going on for 3 years.
It is most definitely
It is most definitely destroying the family peace. Since ss is blatant with his thoughts and feelings-everyone knows that he dislikes me/the kids. He wont do anything I ask unless his dad is present. He just typically ignores me. And yes, I realize it is common for kids to be resentful of their stepparents, but as I said he lived her for over 7 years and never seemed resentful. I pottytrained this child, went to every one of his parent teacher conferences, and helped him with his homework every night. I took him to the dr when he was ill and talked with him when he was upset. My dh worked out of town and bm is an hour away and was the eow parent. So in many ways we were very close and it was like a knife in the heart when he just started rejecting me. I honestly thought it was a "phase" and that he would get over it, but it only seems to get worse. I don't agree that it is ok for him to look at me and blatantly tell me he dislikes me (this is not during any sort of argument or when he is angry). he will say this just as if he is making everyday conversation. I find it very disrespectful.
Wow talk about judgmental.
Wow talk about judgmental. That is pretty bold for someone who doesnt know anything but the limited info I wrote in an introductory paragraph. My ss chose to move out-it was what he desperately wanted. He has been given the option of moving back in. So all your suggestions really don't pan out-he could have the life my kids have if he so choose. I didn't intend to get into reasons why he might hate me because truthfully they are not pertinent. He himself says there is no reason-other than he spent years telling his mother incredible lies about me in order to gain her attention and sympathy and now even though he knows those lies are not true that he still feels that way. His mother also spent years encouraged him to treat me poorly and to reject this family. She realized the error of her ways a year ago, but the damage has been done. My children have done nothing but love this disturbed little boy, but strangely you dont seem very sympathetic to them. He threatened to kill my son a few years ago-he had a detailed plan and told me that he felt that he had to go thru with this plan and could not stop himself. He spent years stealing my panties and bras and right before he moved out in the 4th grade he took my panties to school and showed them to his classmates which were also my daughter's classmates. He spent 3 months pretending that he was hallucinating and being told messages to burn down the house. It has been an extrememly rough road and i have been there every step of the way-I cared for this child for a year during my first husband's deployment as his mom did not really want to be inconvenienced. he is not the one that has been rejected at all-the door has always been open to our home and as I said he has been invitd to come back-the only reason he moved out was because my husband was deployed and he wanted to be with mom and she said she wanted him. I question what sort of issues you may have that you would be so judgmental with a complete stranger.
sorry! Just so used to be
sorry! Just so used to be judged. It seems if there is a problem with a skid it is always the wicked sm's fault! This kiddo spent years telling everyone-his bm, dh, dh's parents, teachers, etc that I was just evil to him (this was not even known to me at the time)so it has been a long haul. By the way I did listen to your comments-discussed with dh if he felt that there was resentment from ss that this family is more financially secure than the one he lives in. It's hard for us to wrap our minds around that as he spent most of his life with us and has been welcomed back. Overall, he has alot of the nice things the kids here do-we buy him name brand clothes, he has a season pass to the local amusement park, has the handheld vidoe games, etc. He does complain sometimes that we don't have as much food as at bm's house-as she allows him to eat whatever since the food is all free!!
Welcome Jenners. I think
Welcome Jenners. I think what you need to do is have a pow wow with your hubby. Let him know that HE has to make sure that his son treats you with respect when he is in your home. You and hubby must also set house rules together which remain the same for all of the kiddos. Let the boy know that you don't care whether he likes you or not, but he will respect you and obey the house rules while visting your home.
If your husband is sincere about making your marriage work, he will work with you during visitation.
I went through this with my sds when they became teenagers too. At first, I left the house whenever they visited and went away for those weeknds. My husband couldn't stand it and it was seriously reeking havoc on our marriage. Finally I told him that if he couldn't control his kids behavior towards me in our home and didn't support me in insisting that they be respectful and follow the house rules, he either had to visit them else where during his weekends or we were done.
It really wasn't the kids' fault. It was more his fault for allowing them to treat me that way. Once I laid down the gauntlet to him, we had a family meeting with his girls the very next weekend they visited and I told them what I expected and he reinforced it. We haven't had any of those same issues since. They're still teenagers and they still annoy me just as much as my own did when they were that age, but it is all quite normal for their age, and we deal with it as a couple immediately.
Your husband has to be on board or it will never work.
There is a ton of good advice
There is a ton of good advice here already.
It does sound like there are a lot of underlying issues with your SS, likely rejection or insecurity or jealousy. Whether or not those issues make sense to you and DH, or whether or not his reasons for those issues make sense to you DH, they're real feelings to him and will continue to show in his behaviour this way unless they are addressed. You and DH don't have to agree with him, but those issues and feelings need to be acknowledged. I also strongly agree that your DH needs to be completely on board - together, you need to set the tone for what is and what is not acceptable in your home.
I would suggest getting your SS into counselling - maybe individual, maybe group counselling or family counselling with all of you, it really depends on his comfort level (and yours, though you seem very willing to work on the relationship so I don't think that will be an issue
and what would be the best environment for him to open up in. Maybe a combination of both types.
Either way, it does sound like he has a lot of underlying feelings that are showing up in these behaviours. Those feelings need to be addressed and dealt with, and if you and DH can't help with that alone or if SS is unwilling to let you and DH help with that, counselling may be a good option.
Wow he sounds like a very
Wow he sounds like a very disturbed kid. I would be worried for my safety and the safety of my kids. He should definitely see a counselor. I'm sorry you are going through this.
thanks, guys! And sorry to
thanks, guys! And sorry to the individual that I got angry wthi! Just a sensitive issue as I am sure you all know sine you are here! My ss has been seeing a psychiatrist for about 5 years now. He has been on meds since kindergarten. And he has had counseling in addition to the psychiatrist. And here we are. I guess this is part of what I am asking. We have tried everything that we can think to try and just no longer know of any other options. My husband is pretty much on board. His heart is breaking that his son rejects all of us including him. He just does not know what to do. How do you give a child a consequence for not liking his family? I mean there are certainly times that he is blatantly disrespectful, but the bigger issue for all of us is that he has no desire to have a relationship with any of us really except dh-he does not want to be part of this family except to receive various benefits of such. So what do you do with that? We are talking about family counseling-however, that's a bit of a difficulty. We all 3 live different places. My husband lives 2 hours from me on an army base-he was injured while in Iraq so his one year deployment is not at the 3 year mark. And then ss lives another hour from me in the opposite direction. My husband who is injured drives 5 hours on Fridays to go pick up ss-we all make alot of accommodations to include ss in our life but he does not seem to care.
I didn't realize he was
It stinks that the living situation makes family counseling tricky. In the meantime, I'm not sure what else you guys can do besides keep being open to him and hope that as he matures he'll see it and come to understand where his frustrations are really stemming from. That can be so incredibly difficult sometimes, when you feel like you're putting so much in and getting nothing back - and honestly, it's perfectly fine if you need to temporarily disengage from it, take some time for yourself for your sanity (this goes for DH, too! Neither of you can be the parents you want to be if you're mentally exhausted constantly) and come back when you're feeling more refreshed and able to keep your skin thick. The truth is, a lot of stepchildren grow up and look back on their behaviour and see where they were wrong or hurtful - it's unfortunately a game of waiting for maturity and not closing the door before then.
That being said, being blatantly disrespectful in your home isn't okay. You and DH, if you aren't already working together to do it, as a united team, need to let him know what he can and cannot say. He's welcome to feel whatever he wants, but certain behaviours will not be tolerated. I'm not sure how old he is (I may have missed it) but hopefully you can find some age-appropriate consequences for disrespectful behaviour.