I think my relationship is at its end…
And maybe I being selfish and unreasonable but it’s how I feel…
BM’s is saying she no longer wants SC’s in her home because she can’t protect herself from the children’s lies. SS (5) has been saying she hurts him and SD 
has agreed that she has seen BM give him a slap here and there.
DP is obviously more than happy to take them on, and so was I, until I really sat down and thought about it. We are not financially in a position where this could work. Someone’s needs aren’t going to be able to be met and we’ll have to make decisions on who deserves what, when and why more than the others. That’s just not a life I am willing to live with my Daughter. I know I’m probably supposed to see my partners kids as extensions of him and love them as if they’re my own. But I don’t? I don’t love them nearly as much as I love my own. I will bend over backwards for them, I will cook, clean, clothe, wash and take them to school. But I am not willing to have my own child go without so that they can go with.
It’s hard enough knowing that I am having to sacrifice the chance of having another child of my own because of taking them in full time. To then be expected to dismiss my own child’s wants and needs just doesnt sit well with me at all.
Sorry, I just need to vent. I’m a lot younger than a lot of people on here and I really feel like i’m in over my head
Smart woman!
Steppos are not your own, you're not supposed to love them like your own, they have their mother and father to love them like their own. If they don't - that's still not your job to be their rescuer. You can choose to, but you are absolutely not obligated to.
You didn't sign up for the relationship that's now being offered (your SO+ full time steppos), and so you don't have to accept it. You can have your kids and still be allowed to pick and choose what kind of relationship you want: a man with party time custody, no custody or even child-free.
No judgement here. A person
No judgement here. A person can only deal with so much. Think about what's best for you and your child. Really think, though, with logic and not feelings. Then do that. You are the only mother your child has. It sucks the skids' mother is substandard, but you can and should think about your child first.
I am glad that you are so
I am glad that you are so lucid and realistic about this and can only echo what has been said above - you have a duty as your daughter's mother to take care of her and ensure her needs. You are right to prioritize her and yourself over your SO and his kids. Keep up the good work.
PS - if your SO had any common sense he'd be getting a CO ASAP and going after BM for CS ... but he won't, will he?
Well.. the good thing is that
Well.. the good thing is that your partner is not willing to allow his children to stay in an abusive home.
But, that means that there obviously would have to be adjustments in your own home.. figuring out bedrooms.. etc.
RE finances.. well. .your husband has 3 kids.. his resources get split between them.. I don't think it should be that much different since he wouldn't be paying CS to his EX if he has full custody right?
But, if seeing future years in the home with kids that he may not be a good parent for.. then get your CS order for your joint child and move on.
Just as your husband needs to
Just as your husband needs to do his best for his children so do you for yours. His situation w/ his ex and custody is only ppartially yours and if you think his situation is going to harm your own child then you do what you need to do.
It’s your lifed
Your needs and the needs of your kids come first. BM is flanking out, first she doesn't want her kids over, you know she not going to pay CS.
'Maybe leaving and trying to find someone else is the right move. This is a choice you have to make and live with. Either way. '
No your child should not do without so SO kids can have. You should not give up on having another child because of SK.
'READ these boards, you will Sacrifice your life then one day SK will not be talking to you. treating you like dirt
Sorry? For what? You have nothing to be sorry about.
I applaud that you are using your mind on all of this and not letting fee fees overwhelm your life.
An opposition parent choosing to dump their own kids does not necessitate even the other bioparent to take them, much less the other parents mate having to accept them. If your SO is the NCP and pays CS to BM, then he needs to send the kids back demanding that BM does what he pays her to do with his CS payments.
That said, do not stay. This cannot be an enviornment where you live your best life for yourself and as a solid example for your own child. Each of us owe ourselves the duty of living well and we owe our kids what that looks like. Respecting ourselves, respecting character, respecting confidence, etc, etc, etc..
Take care of you and congratulations. Though I am sorry for your sorrow.
It sounds like
you do a lot of the SK-related work in your current ideation of Steplife.
Big question - would your SO be so eager to have his kids full time if you weren't in the picture? If he had to do the whole thing himself? I rather doubt it.
Do NOT let SK move in! You
Do NOT let SK move in! You have your own daughter to protect. BM is worried because SK is lying about physical abuse? What happens if SK moves in and then starts accusing you of the same? This affects your own daughter and your DH needs to see that.
These are 4 and 5 year old
These are 4 and 5 year old kids we are talking about.. one is complaining about being hit.. and the other is confirming it IS happening. What kind of parent leaves their child in THAT situation.
Obv OP needs to do what she needs to do.. and if removing herself and her child is what she thinks needs to happen.. I guess that is what she can do. What she shouldn't do is put her husband in the position of not being able to protect HIS other children here..
Is the 4 yo lying? I mean.. at that age.. I guess.. but the other child is agreeing that it happens.. these are really young kids and I doubt they have the executive function to plan some huge charade...
MY personal feeling is that it probably IS happening.. I think OP is probably the only decent parent in the mix.. her partner sucks.. his ex sucks (and probably abusive).. getting her own kid away from this toxic situation is probably for the best.
If you see another solution that keeps the other kids safe from mom's abuse and them not coming to their father's home... I mean.. sure.. but I don't think that is likely any kind of possibility.
These are young kids.. sounds like they have been poorly raised from the start.. probably have hereditary crap from both parents that are causing inborn problems as well.... so she had a child with the wrong person.. wouldn't be the first or last time.. doesn't mean she has to marinate in that "juice"
Personally, I would not risk
Personally, I would not risk it. If DH wants to step up, call DSS, go after, custody, etc. then so be it. But I wouldn't put myself in a situation where SKs would then accusing the same.
But.. I think he is taking
But.. I think he is taking custody...
I do agree that he should make whatever arrangement official.. and if he thinks there is abuse.. perhaps it is worth inolving the authorities.. but of course there are risks to that as well. He may think his EX is not well suited to being primary.. and is abusive out of frustration... and perhaps he sees a downside to having her potentially criminally charged?
But, I think we forget that there are more than just her own bio kid at stake here.. and if the Exe's home is problematic.. her husband has just as much obligation to look out for their welfare as he does for the welfare of his other child with OP. It may mean that they do have them in their home.. and if OP doesn't think that is workable for her.. she can leave and take her child and ensure he only gets visitation when his other kids are with the ex.