My DH and his mom are a bit like oil and water.. lol.  He did say that when she first met me that I "was not wife material".  hahaha.  I think that probably made him want to stay with me MORE... .

IDK.. the recipes... could be seen as a nice gesture.. if you had expressed kind thoughts about her cooking.

But,  it sounds a bit like "mama boy" territory that he went so far as to say "they were on the same wavelength".. unless they were talking about something like same wavelength re religion or politics etc.. 

Each other,  to our respective parents,  My DW didn't speak to her mother for months over our relationship 

DH's parents had both long since passed when I came along, since he's so much older than me. I don't think I would have had much trouble them then though since his last wife literally dumped a plate of food on his father's head in a fit of rage.

As sweet as she was, there were some red flags. One time when I first met her and hung at her house for dinner, said how wonderful her son was and her response was "yeah right". In tagalog or English but it sounded the same.

Then, as she floated in and out of dementia and had to be cared for by the family, a few times she tried inviting Toxic Troll to her birthday parties not really understanding how toxic Toxic Troll was.

DHs parents were divorced from a young age. And DAD had custody back in the 80s/90s. This was basically unheard of. Goes to show how crappy of a BM he has/had. She is at the root of all the things DH "needs to work on". People can't control their childhoods, but it should have been a red flag that DH came with a lot of baggage/trauma!

My psychopathic, first husband's father was a stone alcoholic and his mother was a religious fanatic. She was also a raging bigot who resented me because our faiths differed; her religious and racial intolerance was implanted in both of her sons.

The first time that my then fiancé uttered the 'N' word should have been enough to scare me off. Both my mother and grandmother (who lived in a U.S.A./Canada border town) had black friends and co-workers and forbade such disgusting racism. 

 However, since I was 17 and pregnant, marriage (back in the dark ages of 1962) seemed like the only option, despite the fact that my mother insisted that she was more than willing to take care of both me and my baby. Until I moved back home and filed for divorce, I had no idea how much my mother disliked the psychopath as she’d always managed to hold her tongue concerning her children’s relationships.

The worst and lasting result of that terrible marriage was giving birth to 2 daughters with personality disorders. The genes of that awful family reside in my children.

I'm not sure if this counts or not, since it was said by my SIL....  I remember her telling me to hurry up and tell people about our engagement because she and her mother (my MIL) wanted to talk about me/the engagement. At the time I thought they were just excited and it was endearing. Fast forward, no it's not endearing at all because I have learned they are people who talk about you not to you. This mode of communication (or actually, lack of communication) does not work for me and I have distanced myself.

During the lead up to my first marriage my dad made a comment that turned out to be very prescient.  He did not understand how a low level state employee and a small business bookkeeper could afford to live in the ritziest zip code/suburb in the city, have their kids attend THE school district, and own a 200Acre ranch with no family money, etc....

24 years later I was working on a presentation/video for my mom and dad's 50th anniversary celebration.  I did a Google search and a link to my XW popped up.  This was 22yrs post divorce.  A couple of clicks later and a front page story on the major newspaper for the city popped up.  A 70yo bookkeeper had been arrested and convicted of embezzling $Millions from her long time (30+yr) employer.  She was arrested when the family was walking out of the final hearing for the civil suit when the business owner had sued the entire family, except my XBIL who had long ago moved as far from his mother as he could get.  The business owner won the case and the family was ordered to repay $Millions. They had to turn over nearly all of their property, a big wad of cash immediately, and were required to repay a number of $Millions.  My XW owed a notable chunk of the liability.

So, dad's keen mind had picked up on that situation 24 years before it all came crashing down on them.

My parents had refused to split the cost of the wedding with them when my XMIL asked.  Mom and dad countered that request by telling XMIL that they would if XMIL and XFIL cut us a check for half of the wedding cots and mom and dad would do the same then we could do what we chose to do with that money.  XMIL got all bowed up and offended about that since her daughter would have a proper wedding.  At that, my parents refused the request.

No matter. XMIL's boss paid for it all. He just did not know it.  Neither did anyone else at that time.  XMIL's boss was a champion competitive amateur Texas BBQ wizard and did all of the meat for our wedding and later for my XSILs wedding.  Brisket sausage, ribs, bacon wrapped jalapeno stuffed quail breast (you had to watch out for the lead bird shot pellets as he was also an avid hunter) all incredibly good.

In my marriage to my incredible bride, there have been no red flag comments.  Plenty of red flag incidents with some members of my IL clan, but no comments.  The closest thing to a red flag I have ever heard from my bride was a few years after we married.  She was upset about yet another economic crisis her parents were instigating and she commented that "My family works so hard and bad things always happen to them. Your family things go well for.".  Usually I would respond instantly to something like that. I let it rest for a bit, collected my thoughts, and we resumed the conversation a couple of days later. I pointed out that my parents had married young, had nothing, they lived in a travel trailer and on a pittance when dad was in the USMC to the point that mom's spouse and child allowance from the USMC was more than dad's pay.  They scraped, adn saved, went to college, and worked their buts off for their entire lives. What they did not do was chase the never ending series of instant gratification desires and dreams without the means to make it happen.  DW injected that both sets of my GPs were successful.  Which they were. At least modestly.  Though both of my granddads did not get past 6-8th grade and my GMs both made it through HS.  Both of my granddads were skilled tradesmen who moved into supervisory roles.  My dad's mom taught school via the Calvert school program. It was sponsored by the company both sets of GPs worked for overseas. In remote company communities that is how the kids did school.  Each camp had a school bldg where the kids attended just like regular school and the teacher presented the Calvert curriculum.  All 4 of my GPs came from large families who lived in poverty.

I never made a comparison between DW's extended family and mine.  I just clarified.  She is scary smart and locked in on the differences instantly.  Professionalism, and quality of decisions.  IMHO the key flaw that is nearly universally present in all of my ILs is that they know more than the boss and everyone and anyone else at their work.  Always.  It costs them repeatedly when they get fired or quit all offended when they get disciplined for badmouthing people at work to everyone else at work.  We all have issues with something about work or some people at work. Most do not rant about it... at work.  Something my ILs for some reason cannot avoid.

Over time, my DW learned to separate emotions from her observations and assessment of the challenges her family never seems to get past.  She still hurts when the usual happens, but she also clearly recognizes it for what it is.

My first MIL was a nightmare.  I should've twigged because it was always "poor John" this and "poor John" that....but young and stupid right? The damage she did to her son was unreal. My marriage didn't ever stand a chance. My current MIL and I get along just fine as she is deceased.