I am very new here, but have scoured all of your stories and have found such peace just knowing that I am not alone. My story is similar to many here. I have two wonderful sons of my own that I have co-parented with the greatest father I could have ever asked for for my children. We might not have made it as a romantic partnership (married 19 years) but we maintained love and respect for each other after the divorce and have always put our boys first. So they are extremely well adjusted young men (15 and 20.) My ex has always been tough, as I am; but always loving and fair. In fact my children reach out to him occasionally and will say how great a father he is. And how much they respect him. And the fact that the relationship between the four of us (including my Ex's new wife of 7 years, who is one of my dearest friends and her adult children, who I also love) is so healthy, is maybe why the life I lead with my current spouse and his son is so difficult. My DH (together 6 years, married 3) is the most loving, attentive, generous man I could ever hope for. When we are alone together or with my own sons, I couldn't be happier. But with every love story the second time around, you could either get a great step-child or a worthless POS. I got the latter. And as everyone states, the problem actually lies with our SO, not the child. Because just as my children are respectful, responsible individuals: they are like that solely because my Ex and I hold them accountable for everything. Nothing slides. So backstory...A little bit about my DH...He is smart, kind, a leader among all of our friends and an executive at his job. He is an Eagle Scout and there literally isn't anything he can't do...except parent. He was raised by an amazing father who always held him accountable. And he has been successful his entire life because he was raised the right way.  He has a loving family, with no history of anything abnormal. That is what makes this so mind boggling. When I met his son, he was 12. DH and BM had been divorced for 5 years. Emotionally, you could tell SS was never told no, and so he had a very child-like way about him. My son at the time, was only 9; and when SS would throw tantrums screaming and yelling to get his way, my youngest would look at me in complete confusion and horror as my DH just cowered, as if to say, "WTF is going on here?? If we talked to our Dad that way, we'd be dead!" And his BM is of course the worst form of narcissist. He was a mild-mannered 26 year old Clark Kent and she was an actual demon spawned from the depths of hell. Opposites attract, right? She is the one who cheated and destroyed their marriage, but she still continued to reign with terror, indefinitely. I'm not sure what DH has ever been worried she could possibly do when she doesn't get her way (because he already pays the max in CS.) But he would cower to her as well as his son. Here's the interesting part...he is an incredible step-parent to my boys. Treats them the same way my Ex does. He expects the same out of them that myself and my Ex do. But not with his own child. Weird, I know. Anyways, DH assured me for years (because we lived together for quite a while prior to marriage, so I could make sure we were on the same page with the future) that once the custody agreement was over (son graduates in 2025) that BM would no longer be in our lives. DH knew she would not pay one dime for her son for anything. We would have to cover his entire college expense; medical insurance; car expenses, living expenses, etc. And if that was so, she should have no need to talk to us at all, because SS would then be an adult, on our dime. If SS wants to talk with his mom, that's on him. But why should she have any say in anything we choose for him, if she isn't contributing? Makes sense, right? Well hold on, not too fast. What's that old adage... The road to hell is paved with good intentions? Or dogshit? Yep, that's it. So my DH promised me that once SS graduated, all bets are off with her. She would have no say in college, or anything that we are paying for. Sounds reasonable. So I kept my mouth shut while she berated my DH for 6 years straight and her "angel" of a son became the world's biggest loser. Like I previously stated, this is definitely 50/50 fault of both my DH and his BM for pampering the little prince and never telling him "No." So at a young age, as most kids do, he got obsessed with online gaming. No one ever enforced a bedtime. So he would be up until midnight or later on school nights and "just could not get up in the morning," imagine that. It didn't matter that I proved to my DH for years on end that he was up all night. It didn't even matter that he was late to school every day (40+  tardies a year. And if you're asking, "Why in the world did his school not care that he was late everyday??" Hell if I know, but they didn't. As long as it wasn't an unexcused absence, they didn't care about the tardies.) Nothing fazed my DH because the thought of giving him rules with repercussions was terrifying. The son had learned to manipulate (because unfortunately he is a narcissist like his mother.) The older he became, he wasn't throwing tantrums, he would just stop speaking to my DH. When he was 15, he went an ENTIRE YEAR, without speaking to him solely because my DH tried to enforce a rule. And of course my DH would never take the son to therapy of any kind. So at the beginning of my SS junior year (August 2023) I ask my DH to go to a family counselor with me. Because I felt maybe an outsider could get thru to him.  Now mind you, NO ONE knows any of this. Not his family nor friends. He has kept all of this a secret (the fact that he doesn't parent at all) from his parents, siblings and his closest friends. And up until this point, I had not told anyone because it was so embarrassing. I watch him lie to everyone when they ask about his son, and I don't say a word. He tells everyone how responsible he is (doesn't drive, have a PT job, can't even get to school by himself, let alone on-time, etc) and how proud of him he is. It's like its our strange, dirty, little secret. And all those things still hold true today, as an 18 year old Senior. So we went to counseling and she basically agreed with me. Because all I have asked out of my DH out of all of this, is that if he couldn't make it to school, ontime, ALONE, why should we be paying 50-90k for college a year?? I stated that if he could not hold him accountable to go to bed, get up on his own and make it to school alone, he should be spending his first year at community college; until he could prove to us he could manage his own time. Sounds reasonable? It did to the therapist. It did not to my DH who thinks community college is "low brow" even tho my own son went for 2 years prior to transferring to a University. So, DH agrees in counseling a YEAR ago, that if he could not get him ready in the next year (just prior to Senior year) that he agreed to send him to community college. How'd the past year work out, you ask? How do you think? Nothing changed. Still late every day; no driver's license no accountability, even slept right thru his own SAT. And now DH lets me know that even tho he promised me in counseling to send him to CC; he's decided that's just not fair to his son. And of course his BM called DH a loser POS for even suggesting community college. She believes my DH should pay for wherever he wants to go, even if its another country.  And guess what, an expensive private college will take your money all day long, regardless of your grades. Unfortunately DH is still terrified of both son and BM to put either of them in their place. I felt like I had waited patiently through so much BS over all these years for a promise that turned out to be a lie. At the same time, I love my husband dearly. And honestly even tho I know SS will be a financial drain the rest of our lives, along with BM; I don't want to live without my spouse. I don't respect him at all as a father; but as many people have told me, I am lucky to have such an amazing father for my own boys. So my answer to my DH was: SS is 18 now. And I can choose never to be around him if I want. Being around him is just a constant reminder of how he and his mother rule my DH. But when he isn't around, its amazing. So no more family dinners. No more holidays with him. No birthdays with him. No vacations with him. NADA. I've planned Xmas without him; won't be at his graduation; planned a big Mexico trip without him, etc.  I don't think this is what disengaging is intended to be, but I have chosen to separate my spouse the parent, from my spouse the husband. And strangely, my DH was ok with all of this. It's been very freeing for me and maybe for my DH as well, to accept defeat. I think he knew this whole time, no matter what, that he will never be able to be a real parent to his child. And he will have to suffer the ramification of what that means in the future with someone who will fail at everything he tries in life and will always need him financially (like his BM.) 

So to all the people whose SO's are enabling this behavior for various reasons (mostly guilt from divorce) I hear you, I see you, and I feel your pain. It's so easy to say "just run, don't walk," because that thought has entered my mind many times. Everyone's tolerance is different. But honestly, unless you are willing to find someone with NO children, you just never know when these problems can crop up. It may not be apparent at the beginning and then become a nightmare, later. But you can choose how much of the nightmare to let in to your waking life.

I'll leave you with my favorite quote, that encapsulates both my SS and his mother:

"You have what we call an irrational sense of entitlement. It won't kill you, but it will make you believe that you deserve shit for doing nothing."