New to Forum - Support and Exemption frustration
Hello, I am new to this forum but thought if I vented I might feel better or maybe I'm wrong to be so angry. So I'm 35, husband is 40. he has 2 children from previous marriage, daughter currently 15, son currently 13. He and his ex-wife divorced when the kids were 3 and 1. They've always had a long distance relationship from what he's told me. He and i have been married 3 yrs, together 6. His kids clearly don't like me which is fine because the feeling is mutual. We almost didnt marry because I told him I've never wanted to be a stepparent. However, his kids really only come around maybe 5-6 times a year and it's a quick over the weekend thing because of the distance and cost. Generally i try to stay out of the way until they leave and then i can have my house back.
Husband has never ever missed a support payment and she's always claimed the kids on her taxes and he's always covered medical and they split uncovered costs.. So anyways, the problem now is that they've always agreed to the support modifications when they come. That's great, no need to have a big fight if you don't have to. However, this time, the attorney for the state let his ex know that with the support guidelines the tax exemption is going to my husband. She was upset and wanted the exemption because she's always had it. If she does that, the amount of monthly support my husband pays will go down. She texted my husband and said she'd prefer both but since she has to pick she wants the higher monthly support. That just annoyed me because it's obvioulsy about money and extra annoying because she remarried shortly after the divorce. the guy she married can't hold down a job because of some disability and she now has 2 or 3 kids with that guy and they all have the same disability. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that but really lady? Back to the story, she is back on the tax exemption thing and my husband didn't want to fight with her so he told her that whatever he gets for the kids in taxes he'll split with her. He just told me that two days ago and i was furious! I told him i don't care if that's a child tax exemption, once it's mixed in with my taxes, that's my money that's giving away to her to care for her little village. Also, she doesnt need the money! they have a brand new house and just put sod in. We can't afford to put sod in at our home and our home is not a new build! Plus i told him she doesn't even use the money on the kids because they always come over looking like welfare case and she cuts their hair herself and it's just terrible! i may not like his kids but they don't deserve her bs either. It also generally happens that he asks me to cover xmas gifts or cover air bnbs when he goes to see them because there's a reason that he's short on money. Generally, i keep track of that and i usually end up keeping the tax refund money for what he owes me. i told him what are you going to do when you have nothing to split because of how much you owe me? He hadn't thought of that. He said it will be fine and he'll take care of it. I'm still just so angry that he had the audacity to do that and not think to consult me. Am I out of line here?
As far as step-situations go,
As far as step-situations go, you're living the dream as far as how often your life is disrupted. That said, the money thing would irk me, too. He should pay her what the law says, no more, no less. If there is ever anything extra, and those occasions would be rare, it should go directly to the source (for example the dentist or the hospital.) Make sure he pays you back for this decision he made without your input. In the future, any of your money that he gives to his egg donor and her brood with the deadbeat needs to be approved by you. I would say it more nicely than that but be aure he knows you are serious.
Thanks! I know I try to not
Thanks! I know I try to not complain too much because I know I could have had to deal with them every other weekend if we were close by.
I like how you put it that he should pay what the law says, no more, no less. Yes, I definitely will talk to him when I'm not so angry that I don't want my money going over there and I need to be consulted before he makes these decisions again. We had agreed I would be hands off but I feel like the money thing obviously involves me. Anyways thanks for the input I appreciate it!
Not out of line at all. I
Not out of line at all. I would be very clear with him. He pays BM to care for and feed the SKids. He pays only CS and anything else stipulated in the CO. He gets the tax exemption, he does not split it with her. If he will not give BM that message tell him that you will and no one will like it if he puts you in that position.
CS, CS only. He is not her ATM, additional support source, beck and call baby sitter, or emergency contact.
If I was the NCP SParentSpouse not one cent of marrital money above CS and anything else stipulated in the CO would go to the CP. Not a single cent.
Thank you!! Oddly enough, I
Thank you!! Oddly enough, I've never met or spoken to her. She hasn't asked to so I haven't either. But I do need to be firm about him telling her she's getting more than she already gets. He had also said he didn't wanna argue with her and now my thought, wait but you want to argue with me?
People always talk about the dead beats who don't pay but not about how much cs potentially takes away from us making our own family. So frustrating, but I do think everyone is right and i need to stand my ground.
No need to speak to her at
No need to speak to her at all if DH is manning up, using his head, and dealing with her and all of his failed family baggage issues.
If he isn't taking care of it, they you do it. That is when you speak to BM and give her clarity. All it will take is once and your DH will make damned sure you don't have to take care of his failed family business again.
I said only hello to the SpermIdiot, once that I recall, the entire 16yrs we lived under the CO. SpermGrandHag on the other hand I had to shred on a number of occassions. My DW had no problem keeping them all in their place but she also struggles with never ending second chances and that they "get it now".-itis. It took a few years before she learned that she had to keep her claws at their throats all of the time or they would try their usual shit. I am more of a trust until you give me proof otherwise, then your ass is mine guy. No second chances.
Look into what your taxes
Look into what your taxes would look like if you filed separately. No way should you be enabling his bad money management habits. Look into injured spouse for your taxes also. See if that plays into your situation.
For some reason he is more afraid of pissing of BM than you. Why is that? That misunderstanding needs to be cleared up. He needs puts you and the marriage first. If he can't then why stay married to him?
His first family is his baggage to manage and it's not just the people he needs to manage but the financial repercussions from those choices made in that direction.
I hadn't thought of that!
I hadn't thought of that! Thank you! I will definitely look into that!
I did tell him yesterday before he left to bring his offspring over for the weekend that I've been very upset that his first thought was that he didn't want to argue with her, meanwhile it's caused an argument with us. He apologized and said he hadn't thought of it that way and said he'd fix it and I said the only way to fix it is to tell her sorry but no you don't get shit. I'm sure unless I follow up he will conveniently forget to tell her or he'll wait until we get our taxes done.
So make sure to grill him constantly until he does.
Did you speak with BM? Did you make it clear that CS and only CS will be paid to her? Please tell me word for word the content of that discussion.
The last part is to insure that he actually did talk to her and that he is not blowing sunshine up your backside.
Trust but interrogate.
That was pretty much it and I
That was pretty much it and I'm 100% sure he hasn't talked to her yet. I'll have to follow up this coming week
Exactly he should be more
Exactly he should be more worried about his wife not his ex wife. You are in the right here. He shouldn't be paying her more then the court ordered amount of child support. This would be my hill to die on
I'm glad I'm not the only
I'm glad I'm not the only that feels that strongly about it. I was thinking that maybe I was being to cruel because he had said that it's about the kids and I told him no its not and they're already taken care of! I just hate that it's given me so much anxiety still. But ya I'm not letting it go.
Good that you found us
It a great place to vent.. lots of people here has been down this road before you
Kids are 13 and 15. You must realize that the major money events are coming up. 15 yo will be 18 in 3 years there is college cars,, Wedding, buying a home, grandkids
'If you don't put your foot down now..When are you? He has to fight her or go to the poor house.. Read the CO. Abd see what his actual requirements are. Your DH can't just please his ex and make you unhappy.
'This is a game the ex is playing nickle and dimeing you. But it will be $100 and $100,000ing you.
Just say No. No is a complete sentence. If DH gives her his tax money then he gets a part time job to make that money up.
Like I said remember, the major Morrison events are comming up. College can be $70,000 a year.
Great I hadn't thought of
Great I hadn't thought of those expenses. Well I have with the car because the SD is 15 and has her learners permit. She's so terrible though I told him I will not be getting in a car that she is driving. But we've also been talking about having our own child but with this going on now im thinking maybe we shouldn't because his stupid baggage is going to always be there just ruining everything and his money first goes there then to our needs. And I hate when people say ya but you knew when you got married. So! He pays his support so I should be able to be a little selfish right?
Don't pollute your gene pool
Don't pollute your gene pool with this guy. He has shown the results of his parenting and you live it every exposure you have to his failed family progeny. Do not curse your own children to have that as their father.
Protect yourself.
He’s responsible is what the CO
Specifies. When he married you... He committed to pay what the CO said. And no more. He has to support you also . Unfortunately even in intact family's. Payment to kids never ends. You can not have your life control by his kids.
Giving up a family of your own to support SK. Will give you grief you will never get over. Everyone else is goog..happy.. with family you will be out in your own
Your anger is justified. You need to make it very clear to him
Your anger is justified. You need to make it very clear to him that the wife he needs to be concerned about upsetting is his current wife, not his ex-wife! There is no way he should split that tax return with her - and how is he going prove he is sending her half? Is he planning on showing her your returns? Honestly, you should quit subsidizing expenses for his children. If he wants to spend extra on them, above what is required in the support order, that money needs to come from his personal money, not your household money.
This is a problem in most SF
Money going to the kids and ex is coming out of your family funds..The more the step get the less you have. It's a real problem. The kids should not suffer because if the parents divorced. The new wife should be in second place and can't live a normal life because of it . I don't have a answer