Family nonsense.
Not sure if this is an appropriate topic to post about, please forgive me if it is not. As I am reading peoples' stories and experiences with steps, ex-spouses, etc., I think about the nonsense that also transpires within one's family of origin. In my case, theoretically it was a STEP family. I am dealing with this right now. Actually I have been dealing with this since I was 6 1/2. That is when my half-sister was born. My life changed. That is when the physical abuse started per my adoptive dad. My mother knew about the abuse, because she witnessed it. It was not spankings, it was beatings...there is a difference. As long as I can remember, I knew I did not deserve it. When I was 18 I left. I have ambivilent feelings toward my mother...I love her because she is my mother. However, she was a mother who turned a blind eye to the abuse and did not lift a finger to protect me. Through formal education, therapy, and life experience I realize that my mother was not equipped to do any better. How could she protect me when she couldn't even stand up for/protect herself?
My mother has been widowed for 1 1/2 years. She glorifies my dad; her 'spin' on their relationship actually sickens me. (She is a delightful lady. Kind, gracious, giving. People love and respect her. Professionally, she was at the top of her game in finance. She retired around the age of 70, because my dad made her. Personally, her home life was far less successful.) She has said she is not interested in dating...until now. I am really scared she will find herself in another bad situation. Until one does the work, statistically history repeats inself. I believe it would be very easy for her to get finessed.
History: She married my dad (not biological) when I was 3. He adopted me when I was 4. Even then I 'knew' he was not a good person. It sounds silly, how does a young child know? He was abusive to my mother even before they married and throughout their marriage; it was never an equal partnership. He was a dictator. My mother likes to use his alcoholism as an excuse. (My sister is also an abusive alcoholic.) My mother has always just silently acquiesced to the abuse. I can remember me telling her, "You deserve better than this. Divorce him." I believe I was 13. It feels like I have been 'parenting' her my whole life. I also raised/parented my sister and brother while the adults were off partying. I was always serious and very mature for my age.
Present: She is now free from my dad's abuse. At almost 79, she drives across the country on adventures with one of her best friends. She travels to foreign countries. She donates her time and financial expertise to many charities. She is attractive, she looks and acts young. I can see why men would be interested in her. Though she is free from my dad's abuse, my sister has doubled down on her abuse. (My sister has been nasty to me for about 30 years, it was just within the last 2-3 years that I learned she is also nasty to my mother and brother.) As with my dad, my mother just takes my sister's abuse. I really do not get it.
Yesterday I gave her the 'PEP TALK', via text so that she could reread it...and let it soak in. I talked to her afterwards. It was well-received. However, I do not believe she will do the work. Yes, I realize my mom is an adult and can make her own choices in life. (I just wish she were better equipped to make WISE, INFORMED choices.)
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? How did you handle it?
Thank you.
Like you, I was brought up by
Like you, I was brought up by parents who were in an extremely dysfunctional relationship, and I was physically and emotionally neglected. I mean severely. My eldest brother killed himself when I was 13. To be honest, at 78 yrs old, I don't believe your mother is going to change, nor does she seem to want to. My advice is save your breath. The only time I attempted to bring some honesty into my relationship with my mother was during a period of my mental ill health when I had been hospitalised because of it, I told her about a time I was sexually assaulted when I was 9, and never told my parents at the time, because I didn't see myself getting any help there. She listened and said she was sorry, but it didn't change anything. She's now been dead for 14 yrs and honestly, I am glad she's gone. I didn't love her. If I were in your place I would disengage from both mother and sister.
Thank you.
I appreciate your reply and I am sincerely sorry for what you have been through...it hurts my heart. I hope YOU are okay. YOU matter.
I have tried many times, through the years, to talk to my mother. My efforts have generally been met with tears...to shut me up. I have learned that many people are neither willing nor capable of confronting the 'hard stuff'.
I know in my heart that my mother is not a 'bad' person, she did not have the tools to deal with the curves life threw her. I forgive her for that. I have tried to 'give' her the tools. When considering all that has transpired, we have a good relationship, although I am pretty sure she cringes internally when I talk reality and truth. On that I am not willing to compromise. Many of my greatest learnings in life have been complements of my upbringing...mostly what NOT to do. I am going to apply a positive spin to that and be thankful for all I have learned; I do better than the examples I was given and I give my best to others, personally and professionally. I have clawed my way out of the dysfunction and live a honest, productive life.
I am not worried for me, I am worried for her. She has done zero work to discover why she allows herself to be abused. I worry that she will find herself in another situation like the one she was in for over 50 years. I would hate to see someone come in and sweet talk her.
As for my sister, I had essentially cut her from my life. My mother and I had her committed last December; unfortunately the judge did not force her into treatment, even though her self-destruction and abuse to others was well documented. She even threatened to burn my mother's house down. I am disappointed in the medical system for failing a person in need of help and not making a better case to the judge to commit her and to the legal system for also failing a person in need of help. Of course my sister hates me more than ever, which is what I expected. I have done what I can do, I loved her enough to try and get her the help she needs. Medically, we are told her time is short. We are no contact.
Allowing
Allowing /condoning /knowing of abuse is unthinkable.. If being around your mom is traumatic and stressful then I think you have choices there. Do you want her in your life? What kind of relationship do you want to have with her? It seems as though you care about her and don't want her to make another extremely poor choice. Keep in mind that your feelings matter too and it's your life to live how you choose.
Thank you.
I agree with you about the abuse. All you mentioned are unthinkable. It was my life, I accept it, and I am lucky to have come out on top. That is not by mistake, it took years of hard work. I'm still doing the work. I think I will always be doing the work. (Smile.) I believe in therapy. I also believe one can do just about anything, if one sets their mind to it. I knew I wanted a better life. I went after it. I got it. I am blessed. (Smile.)
I also think that my life experience makes me very effective in my profession. I've been there. I understand. I have a love for people and a love for service. I guess I am saying that I chose to make lemonaid!
Although my mother does not look or act elderly, reality tells me that she may have 10 years left. I have compassion for the life she has lived. I am here for her. I support her. I know that she counts on me; she knows I am responsible. I will not let her down. I just don't want to see her make a bad choice...I also know her choices are out of my hands.
The conversation might be
The conversation might be therapeutic for you to say the things you want or need to say, but don’t expect any changes to come from it. At 78 if your mother has never taken a moment to really reflect on the impact she had on the horrors of your life, she’s not going to now.
Thank you.
I had that exact same discussion with DH. We both agree, she is not likely to change. I love her. I had to try.
My DW is the eldest of 4, her
My DW is the eldest of 4, her BioDad was killed in a car accident when my MIL was first pregnant with DW. DW has been the only adult in her family since she was a pre teen.
MIL & FIL married when my DW was 3mos old.
MIL & FIL were all about instant gratification and pursuit of grandiose dreams though they had no ability to earn them.
There was no abuse but IMHO there was notable neglect as her parents continuously doubled down on the dreams as their kids were growing up.
DW knew she did not want that life for herself from a fairly young age. She left within a few short weeks following her 18th bday with a 1yo on her hip to attend University out of state.
As DW has made a successful life, her parents have lost their home, farm, declared bankruptcy twice, her three younger sibs have experienced foreclosures, bankruptcies, etc.
When my FIL passed my DW was in the process of helping her Aunt ( MIL's sister) get set up with a wealth manager. Aunt is notably successful. DW asked if she could bring MIL to one of the meetings. While there MIL broke down in tears when she asked the wealth manager for an assessment of her retirement options. There are none. MIL sobbed about the "dreams", etc. She is 70 and can't ever retire or she loses her home. She still has delusions of retirement and dreams of travel.
MIL is far better off than was the case prior to FILs passing and since she is under strict oversight by the wealth manager.
Interestingly the manager insisted on a number of things that DW and I had strongly advised and offered to do for years. All of MIL's income goes directly into her accounts with the manager. Her bills are all paid by the manager and she gets a very small discretionary spending allowance. DW tried for years to help but it took getting a third party professional involved to drive clarity for my ILs. Two successful MBAs advising for free they could not stomach. For some reason what is clear and painfully obvious to those who care is not recognized by those avoid the message.
She is no longer on the verge of homelessness and destitution but is also not going to be able to retire.
I'm sorry your mom is insisting on continuing to suck down on the Hope-ium pipe of delusional seemingly to avoid reality not only regarding themselves but also the progeny that follow so tragically down the example path these avoidant people set.
DW loves her mom. Though she remains extremely disappointed in my MIL.
I...
...feel like I can relate to your DW's feelings about her mom. Mine are very similar. I love my mom; however I am very disappointed in what she has allowed in the past, to herself and to me. (One key point is that she had a choice to be there and I did not. She had an obligation as a mother to protect her child, instead I was the one protecting her.) I am also very disappointed that she does not love herself, do the work, and claim a different life for herself. I just worry. I need to stop because it really doesn't help.