Another kid week — joy
SS13 came back to our house yesterday and, as usual, was sullen. DH went down a list of missing assignments to make sure he had done them (the app doesn't always accurately show if something has been turned in). Of course, this greatly annoyed SS. Sorry, kid. But the number of times you've fallen behind in classes and lied about work, you're going to get asked.
After dinner, SS took his dish in and started to put it in the washer. I can see the sink from my seat, so I called out "Hey, SS! Please be sure to rinse your dish first. We've had a little trouble with the washer lately. Thanks!" (I had seen that there was a significant amount of food remnants and our washer works better if there's a quick rinse.)
Not surprisingly, he looked furious. He did it, though. I just rolled my eyes. I told DH about it -- he's usually on the receiving end.
Later, he got some ice cream. Put the cup in the sink and started to head upstairs. DH called out "Did you rinse your stuff and put it in the dishwasher?" Cue stomping back down the stairs, stomping to the kitchen, etc.
Seriously, dealing with your dishes takes two seconds. We shouldn't have to remind every single time. Yet, we do. And are rewarded with attitude.
Anyway, this morning before he left, DH reminded him that this is another "no gym" week after we found food in his room last time. Says SS glared at him and was very angry when he left to catch the bus. We'll see if he tries to pull another "I forgot" like he did a couple of weeks ago when he rode the bus to BM's. DH's reminder likely scuttled whatever plans he had for that.
This is the last week of school and I'm already dreading summer, when he'll be in our house all day long. He'll probably spend most of it in his room, but still...
Anyway, SS used to be quiet, but overall obedient and respectful to me. Now, he either outright ignores me, or does the glare if I ask him to do something. It doesn't bother me in a hurt my feelings way, as I legitimately don't care what he thinks about me. But I do wonder if he's starting to see me as the cause of the rules and responsibilities and punishments around here. (Even though DH always handles that alone.)
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Seriously
Can't you find something SS can do during the summer. School summer programs? Sports ? Volunteer in a food bank? Volunteering any place away from home ? You have time now to look around ,
Good idea. Problem is, sports
Good idea. Problem is, sports pretty much stop around here in the summer and he's aged out of day camps (DH looked last year). Volunteer, he's too young to be anywhere like that without a parent and all three of us work full time.
In a couple more years, he'll be old enough to get a job...
Community college?
Our local community college has a number of community education courses over the summer. Some of which are tailored for teens and others which accept teens as well as adults. Maybe you can find something similar near you?
I'm trying to get my husband to get sd15 signed up for some courses, though I'm not going to hold my breath - last summer she just sat in her room despite my husband claiming before her visit that he'd get her doing chores around the house/back yard etc.
Not a bad idea. I'll have to
Not a bad idea. I'll have to look. It may be too late for this summer, but worth a try!
Did DH ask SS or did he
Did DH ask SS or did he demand that SS show him the assignments were completed?
My skid was a pleaser who was all about not disappointing. So, any question that started with "Did you....?" was answered before we even got the the part we were asking about. The answer was always yes. Reality was rarely that he had done whater we were asking about.
So, we stoped asking and started instructing "Show us ..........."
That pretty much adjusted the pleasing lies and drove completion because he knew if he could not show us he had done "it", he would have to do "it" again. He had to do some assignments over because he could not prove he had done them. So, proof became very important to his quality of life.
His epiphany moment came when he could not show us something was done and told us "But I am not lying this time!!!" We gave him the look, he got a shocked look on his face and told us that he got it. Lie once, you are a liar. Lie once, and you lie always unless you provide unequivocal proof that you are not lying.
Pretty simple concept.
KISS
On some he did, but that
On some he did, but that doesn't work for paper assignments he said he turned in. DH is watching the app to see if the status changes on those. He's definitely lied before about schoolwork being turned in. But DH doesn't want to have to go directly to the teachers every time. (He has done that.)
Paper assignments the Skid
Paper assignments the Skid shows to daddy in person, or takes a pic and sends a text showing it is done. Or... it did not get done and he does them again, and again, and again until he shows proof.
My Skid had a proble with doing his work... then not turning it in because he was reading novels in class instead of paying attention when the teacher collected the assignments.
So, write it again, and again, and again since doing the work and not turning it in was a thing for him. He hated that.
I like that plan. I don't see
I like that plan. I don't see it happening here, as I doubt DH would be willing to take it there, and no way would BM be on board.
I'm just waiting for the day SS's lying and manipulations really bite him in the rear. I'll be sitting over here with my bowl of popcorn.
Rules...
Setting many chores and rules was my saving grace... it drove the "big headache" SS away at 16 to live more permanently at his BM's and bypass the weekly custody arrangements. The other SS - a more quiet kid, a tad lazy but not a big deal - went away for college at 18. Now both are 20 and SS headache has tried to play dumb and come back to our house because it looks like BM has left him on his own regarding cleaning, cooking, laundry, money... - so here at my house there are hot meals every night cooked by yours truly... he tried coming back permanently by I told my SO that there were the old rules and many more new rules for him in this house since now he's a "grown" man, has grown friends and grown "habits"... SO had a talk with SS.... SS dropped the idea of moving back in like a hot potato... went back to BM's... rules really help keep these selfish entitled brats away....
DH suspects that day is
DH suspects that day is coming, when SS starts really pushing to live at BM's full time. I only care because I know how hurtful it would be for DH. At the same time, this kid causes him no end of stress and frustration.
This is reminding me back
This is reminding me back when SD ( briefly) lived with myself and DH after having been under BM's custody and living with her full time for most of her life..( or whenever BM decided to ditch SD when she coudnt be bothered to parent and provide for her own child. Perish the thought) Anyway, this arrangement was short lived and just barely lasted a year once SD (14 going on 15 then) showed she just couldnt tolerate being held to any kind of structure or rules or standards of any normal behavior or upbringing under our roof. Nor could she stand me not allowing her to walk all over myself and DH ( whom I never let off the hook either over being too lenient with her. out of any guilt..trust me..she knew to try to push that button to her advantage and im sure still tries!) So she ran back to BMs in definance where she could be as out of control as she wished so she got out of my hair much to my relief. I wasnt trying to stop her by that point, as horrible as that sounds. I am hoping for your sake that the same result unfolds for your sake...that expecting standards of basic respect and responsibility drives away your SS espeically if its negatively effecting your mental well being as it was mine. Of course I felt compassion for my DH, but even he knew thats what it had to come down to after a certain point. IT got that bad, Im thinking some of these SKIDS cant function for long in any setting thats not opearted like a drama infused dysfunctional free for all..sad to say its as if thats all they know as their Normal.
Yeah, we'll have to see what
Yeah, we'll have to see what happens. Honestly, I don't think BM wants him full time, though I could be wrong.
Sometimes she seems critical and upset that DH doesn't do enough fun things with SS and is too strict. But the reasoning behind it seems to be that SS isn't thrilled to come to our house.
Other times, she's onboard with a consequence (as long as she's not the one doing it).
My take? SS is a pain over there, too, but she doesn't have the backbone to stand up to him and hold him accountable at this point. She spent his younger years coddling him and giving in to avoid tantrums. Now she's starting to see problems and she's frustrated. But she doesn't know how to change. It works for her when DH disciplines because someone is doing something and it's not her.