DD boyfriend
Please help. Sorry this is long.
I married last year and all was wonderful for a while but things are going bad.
I have 3 children. One has left home (she turns 21 this week). I am so proud of her - she is getting a really good degree and works hard to be independant.
My other 2 are 17 (girl) and 15 (boy).
His children are both boys - 12 and 10. Shared custody week on week off.
My husband is quite controlling and likes things done his way. He also almost constantly makes little put down jokes. Food is a real thing and when he is here, we eat when he likes when he likes. When I buy stuff he doesn't like, he opens the fridge and says I bought a whole lot of s**t and has a little - I don't know what you call it - but he makes it known he is not happy.
The thing is, he is away overseas this week. I am here with my 2 children and I am alarmed at the difference in us without him here.
We are so happy! We eat what we like, we do what we like, we are a team again. Something is wrong with this.
Anyway, my daughter has a b/f she sleeps with. She came to me a few months ago and told me. I had asked her to do that. We went to the doctor and she got the talk about sex stuff and all that sort of thing.
Thing is, there was a night a couple of weeks ago she asked if her bf could stay the night. DH said no way. I understand that and I supported him. If he isn't comfortable that's ok. But I told him I am fine with it. I know they are sleeping together and they seem very happy together. I have no problem where and as long as they are safe and happy, I don't mind. I think it is a bit dishonest to say it's ok as long as it's not in my house. So they left together in the dark and rain and I felt quite sad and a bit resentful with DH.
I talked to my daughter and told her that while I was fine with it, DH wasn't and that's ok - we have to respect his feelings. I explained that men and women are quite different about this stuff.
Last night her bf stayed over. Even though he's away, DH found out this morning and is unhappy. He thinks I am putting a wedge between my children and him. He thinks it's my fault that they might prefer it when he isn't here.
Maybe that's true. Or maybe I stuffed up. Did I?
This week has been a real eye opener. Without him, my little family is back how it was. I feel more relaxed with my children. They are friendlier and helpful and dare I say it - happier.
Don't get me wrong - I love my DH dearly and I want this to work out. It's just that I feel like I have to give up so much of myself.
Is it ok when he isn't here to go back to the way I would raise my kids? Should I raise them the way he thinks I should or should I tell him to just get over it about the bf. I think the house would be miserable if bf stayed and we all knew DH was unhappy. I am so confused about this.
Sorry - got more to vent
Sorry - got more to vent about.
Just to add to this, when his boys are here, nothing is too good for them. He drives them to school and takes my son with him because his school is right next door but when they aren't here, my son has to take the bus.
I started putting my child support into a different account because spending money on my kids is becoming an issue. He is quite mean - he gave his son his old mobile phone for a birthday present. He wants me to be like that with my kids but I am quite generous in comparison. I like giving. My children aren't spoilt. They know the value of things. My oldest works hard for money and doesn't ask for anything. I would like to help her more but I get the feeling DH wouldn't be happy.
He won't stand up to his ex who is not working by choice and is rich but we pay the max child support to her. She keeps threatening to take his kids away if he doesn't pay. She can't do that without a court order. His kids go to private school. But that's a whole other topic. Then there's the 15 hours a week of sports activities she signed the boys up for and never asked if it was ok with us.
soryy but you're dh sounds
soryy but you're dh sounds like a controlling dick!
ok, but you love him.... i agree dd and bf are gonna do the dirty with or without your blessing.... but i can also see how him staying over in her room and doing it in yours & dhs house would be an issue...... on dh's side on this issue....... but if he's not home how did he find out?? who ran their mouth?
that fact that you and your kids are "happier" when he is gone has to tell you something...... you need to have a serious heart to heart with yourself...... my heart goes out to the pain & fear you must be experiencing..
It's not til I say what he
It's not til I say what he does that I realise how "not ok" some of what he does is. At first when I met him I just laughed it off and nuked it. But it seems to have crept in somehow - like an insidious thing and it wasn't til he was away that I noticed it.
He gives me these little signs that he is displeased. I try to keep the peace and please him and now I realise that I have almost entirely given myself away.
How do people co-parent if they both have really different styles. What if one is generous and nurturing and the other is quite cold and mean? I think my DH would say I am pandering and weak and that he is practical and responsible.
I said "goodbye guys" while he was on the phone. He asked if bf had stayed.
I am so alarmed by this. Thanks for your empathy.
Go, Go, Go! Happiness is
Go, Go, Go! Happiness is important (yours and your kids)! Way more important then a husband.
Or maybe she married MY ex.
Or maybe she married MY ex. It took me TEN years to get the courage to leave. If I tried a new recipe and he didn't like it, he was mad because I should have known he wouldn't like it. If my mom asked him to do a chore around her house when we visited, I should have known she was going to he could "prepare" or have the right jeans or work shoes or tools or whatever. My ideas were stupid, his were not. You get the idea. And I had NO idea that I had lost myself. None. OMG I have the chills now just thinking about it.
You can't walk on eggshells the rest of your life. I'm not saying you should leave him (but I'm not saying you shouldn't either) but a marriage is about TWO people. Not one person in charge of the other.
I agree there are a lot of
I agree there are a lot of issues here, but to me, I just flat out dont like it that you parent one way in front of him and another way behind his back. Your husband is correct when he says this makes your kids a wedge between you and your husband. You have taken sides, and its now you and your kids, against husband and his kids. In my mind, why be together then? Just go do what you want separately?
Relationships/Marriages need WAY more than *love* to survive, so I"m sorry to say that love isnt enough of a reason to stay and continue doing what you're doing. You're not happy. Neither is he. You can *love* someone else, or be alone, doesnt matter. But it will feel like a waste of your life to stay in this sitch where you wait to exhale every time he leaves.
Well he's probably a
Well he's probably a controlling tool but in the case of the boyfriend spending the night I have to agree with him on that one. What if he thought it was okay for the kids to drink in the house but you didn't? How would you feel if when you went away he was throwing keggers for the kids?
My opinion on that sort of stuff is that you come to an agreement as a team, without input from the kids, and then you present a unified face and you both stick to those rules. You don't tell the kids "well I'm okay with it but he/she says no", you simply both enforce the rules.
To KNOW the rules and then "cheat" when he's away may be part of the reason he's so controlling when he's there. Maybe he nitpicks the little stuff because he feels like he's losing on the big stuff and needs to feel some sort of control over his own life and environment.
I think the two of you need to sit down and discuss two completely separate issues:
1. Respect: He needs to know that little put downs and shitty remarks are NOT okay. If he doesn't like what's in the fridge he needs to get a post-it note thing for the fridge and write down what he wants and when you shop you need to make sure that you get what YOU want, AND what HE wants. That's just fair. Maybe he thinks you don't give a shit about what he likes. My ex did that to me. I'm thinking "jesus, I pay for these groceries, you don't work, you KNOW I like orange juice with no pulp and if you want oj with pulp just buy both, but instead you get what you want with my money and my feelings don't mean shit to you." Yeah that cheesed me. Maybe he feels the same. He's being passive aggressive. The two of you need to discuss that stuff immediately.
2. The boyfriend sleeping over is a completely separate issue. You need to sit down and hash out FAMILY and HOUSEHOLD rules, and come to an agreement, and whether or not the two of you are there at the same time, whoever is there needs to enforce the rules. If he were okay with his kids smoking in the house and you weren't would it be okay for them to smoke in the house when you weren't there? Nope. And WORSE, it tells the kids (in the BF case it tells your daughter) "you don't really have to pay attention to his/her rules, they're just a stepparent... I'm your REAL parent." Bad... You're either in it as a team or you aren't.
Just my opinion.
To IAMCONFUSED: Do you give
To IAMCONFUSED: Do you give lessons? Can you somehow impart this way of thinking onto my DH? Or can I just ditch DH and be with you?!?! LOL