Where to go from here been a while
Hi all. Haven't written in about a year. I've literally pushed all past drama aside and focused on "ours" 4 year old who is just amazing. Happy and sweet and I literally cannot have a bad day-our marriage has had ups and downs but with counseling we are a very solid team right now.
Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to act myself going forward, I've been a atepmom for 12 years and met the girls at 4 and 6. Now they are 16 and 18 and we see one occasionally and the 16 year old never but I gues s shes coming over never week? Idk who knows. I used to always get upset about visitation and how bm and even my husband's own family badmouthem him and us. We recently heard his own sister told 18 year old of all his "arrests and jail time". He's never been arrested? Very odd. We have cut off negativity like his sister and dad who for yearssss have had nothing but negative crap to say to girls and never minded their own business.
One didn't visit for 4 years due to "being locked out of our house" which she later admitted she lied but then she had cps at my house when I was only a few months pregnant. They have moved 7 times and seems there's ALWAYW some huge dramatic event in their lives.
I've learned to distance myself since a year ago they decided they were sorry and wanted to start over. I focus on our child and work and our future because at this point idk I never see them moving out of their house with mom. Both their boyfriends live there and both have shared they arnt on birth control. Anyway I open the door with caution but I do let them come back over and my daughter loves them so.
My mother in law who has also had this weird grudge against her own son(he says hes always been the black sheep) moved away to Florida for a year but decided it wasn't for her and moved back home 1 month ago.
She has also had some negative words and I find it so strange to team up with bm and be against your own son.
I find it very uncomfortable to see her so when she's come over I coincidently have to work lol. My daughter loves her and I've watched her with the other girls growing up and besides the drama with the other girls chronic lies and her believing them she's very kind to all her grandkids.
She wants us to come visit her new home this weekend. I'm dreading it. I dont know how to act and asked my husband last night to please text her going forward.
It's hard to act like nothing happened and she didn't cause a lot of issues during this whole lies of cps with the older kid. She admitted to the lies and apologized many times.
Idk where to go from here. I want to make peace for my daughters sake but I'm dreading being around her myself ugh. Thoughts on how to start over? Should I even mention what bothers me? We were never close.
I have learned "once
I have learned "once dysfunctional, always dysfunctional." Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that is normal? It is better for your daughter to never know them, instead of your daughter learning that dysfunction. You can choose your family and sometimes, that is what you have to do.
I have a very dysfunctional family that started from a dysfunctional great-grandparent. That great-grandparent messed up their kids, who messed up their kids, etc. I have been the one to stop the pattern. I have an aunt who has severe mental illness and she refuses to stay on her treatment plan. She is absolutely dangerous. She accused a grandparent of sexual abuse toward her then 6 year old to try to extort $10k. It took a full legal battle and almost a year to prove it was a lie. I haven't spoken a word to this aunt in 15 years; I don't need that in my life. Everyone else in the family has cut her off, but done it slowly over the last decade, each having to experience her toxicity themselves before they went no contact. There are other toxic family members who I have gone low contact with or set firm boundaries and I am teaching my daughter to do the same.
Your DH's family is dysfunctional and it has proven to come with almost life altering consequences. Allegations to CPS are no joke and could have life altering consequences for your daughter; his family didn't care and lied anyway. I have learned that people know what they do and what mistakes they make. They make the conscious choice. Regardless of whether they apologize or not, they don't get to move on like nothing happened. You don't have to apologize for having boundaries. I fully believe in removing yourself from toxicity and dysfunction, especially if it is dangerous, regardless of what they try to do to make amends. Your (and your daughter's) peace and safety is the top priority and you don't have to justify your reasons.
What's Changed?
^^This small yet powerful question has helped me soo much in steplife. As a reformed people pleaser, it helps me rein in my unhealthy impulses, and it's the "yard stick" I apply whenever anything to do with my DH's dysfunctional family crops up.
What's changed with MIL? Has she gotten therapy/divorced violent FIL/made amends? No? Then she's still toxic and just wearing a facade to worm her way back into the power position. What's changed with the SDs? They've spent their entire lives marinating in toxic family culture, making it their default pattern. None of these people have earned your trust, all have tried to harm you, and it's okay to keep away from them.
In toxic families, it's common for the bad actors to want to rugsweep. "Oh, that was so long ago! Why do you keep bringing up the paast? Why can't you just let gooo??". They know time tends to blur bad memories and hope to run their agenda by making you seem like the one who's the problem. But you don't have to reengage. You get to choose. And if reunification IS on the table, it's between your H and HIS mom, HIS kids, etc. There are times when being "just the wife" is something to embrace, as is being the victim. It keeps you out of the fray, safe behind your healthy boundaries. Just because your H has opened the door a crack doesn't mean your stance has to change.
You are far more forgiving than I would be.
It would be game on until they all either catch a clue... or depart the planet if I were you.
My dauther would not have any interface with any of them as a minor child and as she approached adulthood, she would have every fact regarding their lies, manipulations, and crap.
Your MIL... can F-off IMHO. She has not earned the honor of a relationship with you or your daughter.
Hollow appologies because you kept her in her place are not worth the stanky breath it took for her to speak.
Do you want your daughter in any way influeced by your SDs?