When do I get to say my piece?
Well everything came to a head last night. My sister in law called my husband and let him know what his kids told her. They couldn't tell him but then get upset that he knows nothing about them. His son said he doesn't care, he doesn't want to be a part of his life. Nothing new.
But his daughter, who he thought he actually had a good bond with, said he is nothing more than a friend to her. The same man that has helped her throughout her life. He gave both of his kids his GI Bill benefits to help them with college. Something that his son didn't do for his own daughter. She lived with us for almost 2 years, taking full advantage of everything we gave her. Winter clothing since she came to the northeast in sandals and stretch pants, trips that we went on while she was here, I even added her to my health insurance when her mother lost hers (until she started working full time and could cover herself). I got her in therapy when her mother was arrested. I hugged her, her father hugged her while she cried about how terrible her mother was for being arrested. She told us about how her mother threatened everyone to make them do what she wants. My husband dropped everything and flew to her on his dime every time she wanted to move. We gave her a lot of items which now are most likely her mother's items. Was her entire time here just a way for her to get everything she was "owed".
I want to say so many things to BM about what SD told us about her. BM actually told my husband that everything happens for a reason and from her spending time in jail, she was able to help someone else get back on track. Maybe she could focus that attention on herself. She currently lives in her mother's basement. Her mother's house is in BMs name she has threatened so many times to sell the house and leave, she's taken out several loans against the house, used her sisters credit card to send money to her prison boyfriend. Even after her own mother and aunt (both elderly) spent $6k to get her out of jail, she never paid it back. All of these things were told to us by SD. But DH is the bad guy.
The truth us, she was a 21 year old woman and he was a 16 year old boy when they got together. She thought that she could manipulate him and turn him into what she wanted in a "man". She got pregnant just before his senior year of high school. What choices did he really have? Work in fast food? Factory work that is now gone? He joined the military because he knew that he could give them a decent life, provide for them. When they split he was 20 years old, the military was the only real job that he ever had. Should he have left to work in a job that had less stability? Honestly it doesn't matter what he did. Those kids were tainted by her years ago. I just wish we had seen it before his daughter used him the way she did.
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Write it out. Let your
Write it out. Let your emotions, your sense of hurt, your feelings flow onto the paper/screen. Then set it aside and revisit in a week. Then wait one more week and decide to keep, burn, or send.
Your feelings matter too. You matter. But some people aren't worth the effort of telling them how much they've hurt you. All you can do as a reaction to them is to eliminate them from your 'People we do for' list.
The reality is that quite
The reality is that quite often we don't or can't say what's on our mind. Either due to lack of opportunity.. or because it would serve to do nothing but make the drama worse and cause lasting relationship issues.. that may not be overcome.
Even more so when the issue is really our spouse's and child's relationship.. I know we often feel hurt and resentment on behalf of our spouses.. we want the kids to understand how their treatment of dad hurts.. but the reality is it is our spouse's issue to handle with their kids.
I would just put it down on paper.. then burn it..or talk it through with your therapist... I don't see much coming from letting the kids hear it.
This site is wonderful
The kindness, the wisdom, the empathy.
Its good to write it out, it really does help.
Then working through all the different layers of complex emotions.
Then making decisions about reactions and boundaries, and how you can support your spouse through all this.
"Its not fair". YEP. We steps have all the emotions and it feels like there is no where for them to go. Sometimes thats for the best.
You could always leave a
You could always leave a letter to be read out loud at the reading of the will. We are considering that. PAS is destructive and the karma bus comes on its own time schedule. Everything is fresh right now. Find a way to get those feelings out so you can move forward, free from all this drama.
Great idea!
We are actually meeting with a lawyer next week to go over our wills. Not because of all of this but we've been putting it off for a while. I'll definitely have some letters to both of them. Thank you!
My hand hurts
5 pages later and I actually do feel better. I have no interest in contacting either of his kids but if I could have 5 minutes with the ex to berate her and make her feel as badly as she makes everyone around her feel. She is a toxic manipulator and has turned both of her children into the same thing. I won't send it to her because she's never going to see what she's done. She told DH that the only reason that she reached out to him was because she wanted him to be at his son's wedding. His son never told DH about the wedding, he was never invited, SS doesn't answer DH calls or texts, and it's later this month. DH was never going to be invited to the wedding, she wants to throw it in his face. She keeps saying that they are hurt, they are 24 and 26 years old. He has asked multiple times if there was anything about the past that needs explaining. They always say they are fine but obviously tell their mother something else. I'm sure they feel that they missed out on seeing him but if they can't have that conversation with him when he asks it will never be resolved. At least he knows where he stands with them.
Unfortunately SP don’t fit into SK
Life's. We convince ourself that we matter to SK. Because we do for them, try to make there life's better. Make sure they don't miss out on there childhood because there bio parents split up. But the fact is blood is thicker then wafer.
BM is the queen no matter what she does. You are just the GF. Even if you are married,, you still are the GF in there minds Once they reach 18 you are nothing to them. Just the person who destroyed there perfect family
One thing to keep in mind is
One thing to keep in mind is that toxic people thrive on toxicity. Telling BM how you feel would probably energize her by giving her the attention she craves. The worst thing you can do to people like that is act like they are unimportant. Being ignored is worse to them than a bunch of drama, by a long shot.
You say your piece whenever and however you wish.
Make it instant, make it constant, make it pointed, and make it clear and fact based.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Say it to SIL so at least she has the facts and just maybe not drink the hurt fee fees delusional SKid KoolAid. Say it to the Skids. Say it to your DH.
etc....