DH is done with SD15
SD15 won't talk to DH, what else is new. For a few months now he's been saying that she only talks to him when she wants something. I think SD has reached dead to him status because he doesn't even mention her anymore and he's stopped telling our kids about their older sister. Lately when he talks about our kids it seems like they are the only ones he has, like he refers to them as the first and second instead of second and third.
BM asked for this month's $150 extra curriculur payment and said that SD15 wanted to do a traveling activity over the summer. BM goes on and on about how SD is a great student and she deserves this.
DH says no he doesn't want to spend that much money because SD won't talk to him. This makes BM livid and she starts berating DH about how he's a horrible father and this is why SD15 won't talk to him.
He hangs up and starts researching the program and the pricing which puts a pit in my stomach because it's $6,000, even going halves on that is a lot. He tells me that it's too much and I agree. He said if SD15 asked me herself he might have paid for it.
He had pretty much the exact same conversation with BM last year and her and SD's entitled attitudes have not changed at all. How do you expect thousands of dollars from somebody when you don't even give them the time of day when they reach out? DH would have gladly paid this money if he was getting a weekly phone call or an occasional reply to his messages. The bar is pretty damn low but SD won't even give him that.
If they want a transactional relationship with DH then there's needs to be a transaction. What they want is a completely one-sided relationship where they have no obligation at all to DH. And unfortunately because of that DH sees BM and SD is nothing but obligations to him. He's only treating BM and SD the way that they treat him which is that he doesn't owe them anything above what is required.
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Been there with DH. He can
Been there with DH. He can stick to the CO and give nothing extra. If they want her to go, they can get and extra job, sell stuff, find another way to make it happen. Support him when he wavers and use that money to enrich the other kids lives.
Wow, it's so weird how your
Wow, it's so weird how your situation is the polar opposite of mine! you have a 15-year-old that you don't even have to see her deal with. Meanwhile I have an 18 1/2-year-old that still has never ever missed one visitation day. And they have never ever gone a day without talking and texting. He even had to talk to her every single day when she was on a cruise with her mother!
I feel sad for husband though. Why is good old fashion balance and healthy relationships so hard in step world?
Your SD and DH is exactly how
Your SD and DH is exactly how DH is with SS16. They are CONSTANTLY texting. It can actually be quite disruptive because it's so frequent, and DH will stop everything to reply immediately.
TRUENORTH77
Amnd you should see how he acts on nights shes coming over. Constantly looking out the window to see her pull up. Trying to get the og excited shes here. Greeting her at the door. Its makes me wnat to puke!!!
Omg
The queen has arrived!
I realized that My situation
I realized that My situation definitely has its perks! The hardest part for me is seeing my DH go through the range of emotions. As annoying as it is for your DH to be so giddy and excited about SD and in constant contact with her I think that is closer on the scale of healthy than my DH and SD.
The way your SD is with your DH is how my SD is with her mother. They are totally enmeshed and in constant communication with each other. I swear SD can't even think for herself she has to have BM think for her.
Why can't steps have healthy levels of attachment to their parents? It's either alienated and estranged or completely enmeshed, and both situations are annoying just in different ways. I guess all the normal ones don't bother coming to places like this
$6,000??
Am I the only one who thinks activities like this for kids are insane?? This was never even a possibility for me, so maybe I'm looking at it from a different POV. That is so much money- I find it hard to believe that there is an activity where the experience or benefit would be worth $6,000. And if SD isn't even trying to have a relationship with him...that's a no from me.
Yeah, even if they had a good
Yeah, even if they had a good relationship, that's a lot of money. I can't believe how entitled she is, wtf.
When I was in high school I
When I was in high school I went on a 3-week traveling student exchange program. It was an opportunity offered to all the kids that had a decent GPA.
This was 15 years ago and the cost was about $4,000. I begged my mom to let me go and she said I could go if I got a job. I went out and got a job the very next day.
When I told my DH about my experience he said there was no way as SD was going to get a job. He doesn't expect her to have a job until she's graduated college. Oh great she's going to be one of those kids that graduates college and expects to get a six-figure job having never actually worked a day in her life.
How sad
Your SD will have zero work experience on her resume.
FYI I hire for the company I work at. If there are two people with the same qualifications I look to who has had work experience. I will pick the one who trained at MCD's as a teen over one with none. MCD's is known to train for working and training as a well oiled team. Ill pick the person who had the initiative to work at a part time job that maybe aint the best work. Shows initiative.
Good luck to SD. I dont get why parents dont try to push for independence. Oh wait I do, guilty daddios and the golden uterus BM. Dang it the kids are screwed with this type of scenario.
Oh FFS
How does he think this is helping her? Work experience teaches independence, job skills, money management, allows you to buy things for yourself you couldn't otherwise, and is a great way to meet friends. And exactly what Stepdrama2020 said, employers will absolutely look at those who have work experience in high school. It's giving her a leg up for after college, to start at possibly a higher salary and beat out other applicants. The thought process around not making teens get jobs is just mind-boggling to me. Especially when they want to do things that cost $6K and are not expected to contribute to the cost at all!
I am so thankful DH and I are 100% on the same page about the job thing because if not we would be having words. I feel really strongly about that (in case you couldn't tell *lol* )
IMO, it's more important than
IMO, it's more important than ECs.
https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/part-time-jobs-for-teens-benefits
And I think it teaches empathy for the working class.
This is just SD because he
This is just SD because he knows how she and BM are. We've already discussed how we want our kids to have jobs in high school even if it's just a short-term or part-time thing. There are a lot of seasonal jobs in our area.
I totally agree that a job in high school teaches you so much and it's not so much about the money.
My husband's love language is acts of service and it's not just in our relationship. It carries over for friends, random strangers, his military career... He has a strong sense of community and desire to serve and make the world a better place. Meanwhile SD has been taught her whole life that the world just exists for her pleasure.
Nope. I remember asking my
Nope. I remember asking my Dad if we could travel when I was a teen. He fixed up my old bicycle - filled the tires, etc. Told me I could travel on it wherever it took me as long as my heart desired.
Been the EXACTLY the same. In
Been the EXACTLY the same. In fact, the middle school special trip (which is extortion and most of the kids just aren't ready for it IMHO) was one of the last straws for DH with OSDs attitude. She EXPECTED the trip, hounded DH about it constantly. He and BM agreed to split the cost with OSD paying for the last month of costs, totally do-able if she baby-sat, did fund raisers or odd work like most of the other kids did but NOPE. So all hell broke loose when she was reminded of her "share" about a month before it was due. Oh, the screaming. Then she yelled at DH that find, she'd just send all of her relatives an "ask" letter or a go-fund-me - DH said absolutely not, that this was HER obligation, no one elses. She left our home the next day and only returned once or twice for overnights (we figured out later that was to get her stuff from our home).
DH did not pay a dime for OSDs share. BM or another relative must have covered it. And of course DH was being horrible, a terrible father, than OSD simply couldn't be wrong and her version of the story must be the correct one...etc., etc, etc. Good for your DH for NOT paying!
Then wait for college and this whole money thing comes up yet again!
Ugh kids never learn
Ugh kids never learn responsibility when somebody always bails them out.
SD has my DHs GI bill so if it's managed properly it could cover all of undergrad and then some. It will be interesting because it's going to force SD to interact with DH in order to get that money. It covers tuition board and there's a stipend. Most people that use the GI Bill find a way to save on board and bank that and the stipend for more education or for some other large purchase. In fact most people are able to get complete undergrad educations for two kids out of one GI bill if they do it right.
If it ends up not being managed properly I'm sure BM is going to start screaming for DH to pay whatever is not covered though I know he's not going to have any troubles telling her no. At that point either BM can fork over a share or SD can get a loan like everybody else.
Sounds like a good riddance event with that toxic spawn.
Buh-bye kid.
Exchange student?
I didn't ask for money to travel when I was a teen. I was too busy working to pay my car insurance. However, my senior year I got to be an exchange student for 2months in France. That was a huge 'growing up" experience for me. I got to see how people on the other side of the world lived. Maybe you could "exchange" your sulky SD for a better model from another country? It would be good for you, and good for her. She would learn she is not the center of the universe!