At 9 years old.. I was not given full reign of the menu.  I was TOLD what my options were.  But.. it seems your DH has other ideas since she is being given this option.  At 9 you would think she would be ordering off of the child's menu.. but then again.. my younger brother's boy is about that age and he orders full adult meals.. and often off the top of the menu.  My brother can afford it though.. and his son eats what he orders.. so it's up to him I guess.

does your SD eat what she orders? if not.. does she eat the leftovers or does your DH? Are you and your DH ordering the same level of meal?  Again.. this is a thing that I could see being "embarassing for her to always order off the top of the menu.. because if she went out to eat with a friend's family.. they might not appreciate her always ordering the most expensive dish on the menu". 

Do you eat out a lot when she is there?  So.. is this a 3x a week thing.. or just once or twice during the stay?  Can you and he afford this? or is it a struggle to pay for meals out?  Do you split the check each meal? or do you just take turns.  If you take turns.. it makes sense for him to pay 2 out of 3 times when she is there.. since she is ordering essentially an adult meal.. equal to yours and his.

My ss loves filet minion, lobster, and shrimp. One time I bought a steak that wasn't filet minion and he bitched about it. I told him that if he wants to eat lavishly all the time, you should get better grades and earn six figures a year because right now, academically you're going to be eating sandwiches. He also loves to ask for cake pops from Whole Foods and I nipped that in the bud too! I told him he can learn how to make them at home. 

My DH’s Spawn did this, always ordered the most expensive item on the menu and then would just pick at it.  It got where I would comment and even family members that Spawn would always get the most expensive item and then not eat it.  DH always acted oblivious or would claim he watched her eat most of it, but it was a lot of food and she couldn’t finish it.  He couldn’t deny it when just the three of us went out to dinner one time and she ordered lobster and had one bite.  DH kept trying to get me to eat some of it (probably so he could justify his kids overspending), but I refused and the lobster went home in a doggy bag and was thrown out a few days later.   He still never did anything about it, but family stopped inviting us out to eat with them if they were picking up the tab, and I started telling our kids and Spawn we could only afford for them to order off the kids menu.  After that Spawn wasn’t so excited to eat out anymore. 

ETA: you shouldn't be helping to pay for her expensive meals, if she wants NY steak every time you go out then you can just let your SO know you guys are going Dutch.  If your SO is treating SD's visitations like a vacation then he needs to be footing the bill, not you.

The royal heinass SD used to order tons of appetizers, she took charge of the ordering, the most expensive main dish and dessert. It took me a few years to stop helping pay for a meal for a B who ignored me. To add to this she picked at her order, complained it was shitty. She always said she was on a diet. I was like " a diet to gain weight?"   That did not go over well. 

What really chaps my azz is wastefullness.  Killjoy would not only always order a steak, she would upgrade it to an XL at additional cost with the full intention of throwing all the rest of her meal away.  IDC about tossing empty white starches like rice, fries, or plain pasta, but her meal would come with gorgeous emerald steamed broccoli and she had no conscience about throwing things away, despite being told.  I'd end up eating it.

MIL/FIL invited us to a fancy restaurant and Killjoy9 ordered the most expensive steak on the menu.  I could tell they were pissed.  I ordered a chicken item.  DH didn't way a word.

I trained my kids from a young age to eat a variety of foods.  I really think having flexible tastes contributes to quality of life, and my kids have literally thanked me for giving them this gift.  Too often they dine out with other adults who order chicken strips at a gourmet restaurant.

So when we went to an Italian restaurant and she ordered steak, it annoyed me.  If she were my kid, I'd have told her we were at an Italian restaurant, order something else.  I was always annoyed with her though, we reached the BEC phase due to her nonstop antics.  It was a relief when I finally decided I would never dine with Killjoy again.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bitch%20Eating%20Crackers

There is one woman in our group of adult friends who picks everything apart with her fingers before eating it, throwing half of it away every time.  It annoys everyone in the group.  Too bad DH didn't marry that woman, she'd get along with Killjoy just fine.

My SDs were/are extremely picky so going out to eat was a CHORE every time. I eventually stopped doing it with them for behavioral issues and they just didn't enjoy food so forget it. 

Now, OSD got THE most expensive things purchased for home consumption by DH and DH only because I refused to pay for special, expensive items. Smoked salmon, lemon curd, special deli-preprepared food, etc., ice creams, chocolates, nope. I was out. He justified it by saying "at least she's eating." Then later would complain about the cost.

In fact, he complained just last week that YSD, newly vegetarian (really closer to vegan at this point), loved the special pre-cooked tofu he got and how expensive it was. I just told him, "It's your choice to get it or not" and dropped it. I don't buy it not my issue.

Stop paying for the steak. 

Anyone have a stepchild who most always wants to order a full New York Strip Steak dinner when you go to dinner.

No, because I have a husband who would not have allowed it.

If your DH wants to let princess have steak, HE can pay for it. But, in my opinion, letting a 9 year old order like that is a bit much.

When she is told to order off the kids menu she gets mad.

And? She is the child, your husband is the parent.

To be honest, we rarely went out to eat at nice restaurants when SD was with us because it was a waste of money.

when SD is with us, we have made it a tradition to get hibachi the last three visits, so now she really like shrimp. I have a problem with absorbing B12 so I need to eat a decent amount of red meat so we also eat steak very regularly. We also took SD and got her sushi about 3 times this summer too. I mean it is great because she has a wide palatte and so far only dislikes mussels and brussel sprouts, but I am interested in seeing how it is when she gets older. SD also loves regular kid stuff as grilled cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, etc. I guess more of trying to make her not be a brat or entitled about it. DH and I don't eat steak and shrimp every night or when we go out so definitely won't be letting that happen.

My Skids would always do this...they always insisted on getting "adult" meals, then would order meals that were more expensive than the ones DH or I got and then eat a small portion of the meal. One Skid would always order a full breakfast when we went to brunch and then never eat the eggs that he asked to be specially prepared. The only way it stopped was when I told DH we would each get a cash allowance each week and that included Skid expenses. We would go to brunch and I would put down enough cash to cover my meal and then he would be left covering for himself and skids. Then, and only then, did he start paying attention to what they were ordering. 

$20??? I want to know where you live. Around here steaks on average are over $30! Usually closer to $35. And my DH used to push SD to order a steak. I think it was his way of trying her to be "just like daddy". Luckily at 18 she has her own mind and orders what she likes now. And it's never steak.

Well, there are a great many stories I can share. SD16 is large. We dont take her out any more to expensive restaurants. She will order something different to "try" not like it and then not eat it.

At home we eat really well - steak and rock lobster, sashimi etc. She eats very well at our home.

At my bday dinner my parents took us all out. Sometime during the dinner I said something she didnt like, so she pouted. After ordering a 50$ steak meal, she picked at it, pouting. I laugh and call it the "50 dollar pout", but parents noticed and while thats pretty much how dinner time goes when we eat together even at home (she doesnt seem to like being "forced to eat together", preferring to eat whenever she wants to, they prefer to not have to deal with it and pay for it. So I made it clear to husband that skid is not invited to expensive dinners out with my parens for now...into the foreseable future.

Im laughing becuase I recall a lobster dinner we had, skid had a planned call w friend so she SHOVED the lobster in her face, and gulped it down and ran to the phone. Guess how many times we had lobster dinner during her visitations after that???????

I'd stop paying for her dinners when she is out then. Responsibility without authority gets thrust upon stepparents quite often. This is one of those times. You shouldn't be responsible for a bill that you have no authority over altering. If your FH is cool with his daughter ordering a steak dinner, so be it. His authority, his responsibility.

You have a FH problem.

Yes and my wife was totally okay with her 6 years old ordering multiple adult sized portions then throwing 2/3 of it in the trash.  I had to stop traveling out with them.

I thought I was helping to expand the skids palates when I introduced them to sushi.  We always did pizza or Chinese.  We started out slow with California Rolls and worked their way to more exotic choices.  Now I have created a monster!  They LOOOOOVE sushi now and it's expensive!  Pizza is way cheaper LOL

When you're  a kid or adult and someone else is paying- order something moderate. It is RUDE to order the most expensive items on the menu. Buy that on your own dime.

That's crazy! Kids shouldn't be ordering the most expensive thing on the menu!  DH always bends over backwards for SD18 and SD16. They used to be so picky that he would ask them to agree on takeout, and they couldn't agree after arguing for 20 minutes, so he would drive all over town to go to 2 different fast food places to pick up both their meals. I couldn't believe it at the time. If my sis and I couldn't agree on a place to eat, we got PB &J sandwiches. We learned very quickly to agree on a place or go without. This skid sounds spoiled.

DHs kids would actually skim down the menu with their fingers, looking for the most expensive item. Every time. Glad we're past that. 

Outings at cafés, we'd go to steak restaurants etc. sd's would order ok but the one time i put my foot down and refused to attend because of the disrespect and non stop rants of biomum/stepdad trying to make them relevant to any conversation of ours, hubby took them to food court

thet pretended we didn't exist and acted like one big happy family but after that were not available for meet ups again. They didn't like food court meals, a little too poor for their liking.

they've lived a life seeing biomum brag abd rub it into people how upperclass and refined she is despute being a poor uneducated woman, so they love being able to brag to people about luxuries and being social upper class when not.

me and hubby love eating at normal cafes etc and what you call street food. 

"No"  solves all of this.  Order for them. If they don't like it, they can go hungry.

SS has 3 kids and when we go out to eat of course DH picks up the tab and everybody orders what they want. SS lets his kids "try" things they have never had. One ordered her own $20 anchovy pizza. The smell made half the table sick and of course she didn't like it but we had to pay for the wasted pie. Another one orders food but barely eats. One reprieve is SS and wife don't drink so at least we aren't buying cocktails as well.