Birthday party drama: feedback requested. (Kind of long, sorry)
Our sitch is such: I have one son, 7, and two sd's, 7 and 4. Their birthdays all fall in the summer, sd7's was the last day of school, son7's falls on Father's Day, and sd4's is on July 6th.
Myself, my FH, his ex-wife, and her FH are all in voluntary group therapy, to help deal with the communication issues that their divorce left them with.
The therapist suggested that we keep an online, mutually accessible calendar for the girls' events. School, sports, social, etc. So, we do.
Now, since all the kids' birthdays fall in the summer, we wanted to have a combined party. Months ago, we selected a date that fell during our every other week custody period, June 26th. We put it on the calendar. It was verbally acknowledged that period of time was set aside for our party. Since we didn't have custody of the girls during the last week of school, I sent our party invitations to school on the Friday of our week of custody. Family members and non-school friends all got e-vites.
It was also established that BM wanted to have a party too, for the girls. She contacted me to help her with decorations, since I did set-design in school, and she wanted to do some massive party decor. I agreed to help, and asked when the party would be. No response for over a month. Last week when we dropped the girls off with their step-dad, he told us he thought the party would be on June 12th, which is next weekend. So, today I contacted BM to ask if the 12th was still the date, and if she still needed help with decorations.
The response I got back was surprising:
"No need at this point. Cancelling[sic] the party since you already invited all their friends to yours."
...
Since she had mentioned the possibility of combining the two parties at her house earlier in the year, I asked if she wanted to combine at the park where we were having our party instead of having two separate events?
"Hell no."
So, I want some feedback. Am I somehow the a**hole for planning this party? FH asked that I take care of it, since party planning isn't his strong suit. If she didn't send out invites while the kids were still in school (since the school won't provide addresses or emails for other students, for privacy reasons), is that somehow my fault? She had tentatively scheduled her party before mine, wouldn't that provide the girls' friends a chance to come to one if they couldn't come to the other? Is it fair to the kids to miss out on a party with their BM's side of the family because she's mad I invited their classes?
*sigh* I'm about wrung out. I don't know how I became the bad guy here. I want all my kids to have good birthdays, and I know how hard it is to coordinate a summer birthday party with friends you only see during the school year. Hell, my birthday's during the summer, so I had to go through the same thing as a kid. Didn't get your invites out during the school year? Unless you could track down all your classmates' addresses outside of school, it's rough getting invites to them.
Thoughts?
Drama, drama, drama! Sorry to
Drama, drama, drama! Sorry to hear you need to deal with this while trying to juggle what sounds like a pretty big party.
I've read through this a few times and tried to see it from all angles and I just keep coming back to the same place - I don't see how anything you and your FH have done in your planning could give her reason to react this way. Using the calendar well in advance, hearing the acknowledgment that that would be the party date for the kids, I mean, I can't see how you guys could have done things better. What did she think, that you guys would have a birthday party for all three of them but only invite one of their friends? It was her responsibility to send out her invites and during school *is* the most optimal time (I also have a summer birthday, so I hear ya).
I obviously don't know this woman but the reaction seems very petty and childish, and really, it's going to hurt the kids more than anyone. The party is for them. *shrug* Did she elaborate any further on why she wouldn't combine the parties? It doesn't sound, aside from the current situation, that the four of you typically have a lot of negativity between you (I think the therapy is a great idea :)). Is it a pride thing? Do you guys have another counseling session before the party dates where that third party could help negotiate something with her?
If not, my best suggestion would be to give her a little bit of time to get over whatever part of this is upsetting her so much and keep the offer to combine the parties open. If she's going to choose not to have her party, there's not a lot you can do there - she had plenty of notice and time to do her own planning and it does not make you the bad guy because you DID plan your event - but maybe before the 26th she'll calm down enough to realize it'll make for a better time for the kids if she and her FH come and have a nice time, anyway, rather than not celebrate with them at all. Again, she had every opportunity to plan her own if she wanted and she did not, and is still choosing not to. If, by the 26th, she's still in "Hell no" mode, I would suggest shrugging it off and making the party as happy and enjoyable for the kids as possible anyway. It isn't ideal if she'll be miserable about it, but you and your FH can only control what you do, and if she is going to choose to behave that way I wouldn't let it detract from the party you've put so much work into.
Thanks. We do have another
Thanks. We do have another therapy session between now and then. Friday, in fact. *shrug* I offered the combined party as a compromise, but her response really has me butthurt. I kind of don't want her there, lol. If she shows, of course, it'll be ok. But I'm worried that she's gonna flip out in therapy and make it all much worse. *sigh* Thanks for the input. I'll update when I know more.
Wow...sounds sticky! My
Wow...sounds sticky! My daughter's bday is July 5th, and with my entire immediate family having winter bdays, I never knew about this "school friends" issue until my daughter, and you are SO RIGHT!!! It's like people just vanish the minute school lets out?! We've done her bday several weeks early, just to be able to send invites before school ends, and this year we sent "Save the Date" cards. Having it fall on the holiday weekend also doesnt help!
But we dont have the additional problem of being divorced...gosh, I never thought of that?? My husband has a 14yo son, and DH's involvement all along has been more of a distant one. DH is more like Disney Dad and just does fun stuff on alternating weekends really, and DH's family is VERY small, so anytime it was SS bday, DH's parents just had cake and invited DH's sister over. No big deal really. Also, BM moved almost an hour away when SS was 4, so all of SS's friends are where he lives, and it's just common sense that BM handle the friend stuff.
I agree that if you do separate parties, both parents cant invite the friends. Even with DH and I being married, and trying to plan OUR daughters bdays, we often end up having the "family party" and the "friend party" separately. So I dont think it's too far out to consider this for your SK's? Can you not just contribute towards, or alternate on the friend parties? Then just do families separate? Like I said, our kids arent even from divorce and we have like "bday month" around here! Surely there is a workable solution for you guys.
*shrug* If she does freak
*shrug* If she does freak out, maybe the counselor will be able to help her sort through it and have her understand where you and FH are coming from. (Or not, I guess it depends on how good of a counselor he is and how willing to co-operate BM is :P)
Either way, at the end of the day, don't let her drama detract from your party.
The kids will appreciate it and you guys will have a better time too. Good luck! 