What if you and your spouse disagree?
I have 3 step children. Ages; 21, 18 & 15.
The 21 had his first job at 16, got straight A's, and bought his own car (we matched what $$ he put in).
The 18 is now a senior in high school, struggles to pass and admits that he cheats when he can, doesn't have a job or a car. He father (my husband) & his BM have not forced him to get a job.
So, I am the only one who sees anything wrong with this. My husband and I have gotten into so many arguments over it....
HELP!!!!!
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Sometimes parents are blind
Parental love blinds some people. It seems like the weaker the child is, the more defensive the parent gets, or that's how my DH is.
I hope you've made it clear
I hope you've made it clear you will not support a adult.
I constantly disagree with my
I constantly disagree with my DH over his and BMs parenting. For YEARS.
Number one, I don't comment unless asked. If asked I clarify if he wants my real opinion Rarely is this the case. I also never expect that my opinion or advice will be taken. It never is.
So disengaged. I don't help I don't ask questions I don't volunteer anything I don't say much. He needs to do it. I'm happily chilling in the bedroom with my cat and DH and SD can talk. I don't want to be involved.
I keep my time and money separate. I don't plan around YSDs schedule or make plans with DH and YSD. I don't pay for anything but basic groceries and housing.
Have your bottom line of what you will put up with clear in your head. Tell DH what your last straw would be and what your reaction would be, but not when you are arguing. Do it calmly. Give him the ability to respond calmly, if he doesn't, conversation is over until he can talk reasonably.
On the bright side it sounds
On the bright side it sounds like just one of the skids is giving you trouble, that's pretty good around here. This kind of struggle, disagreeing about parenting and expectations is pretty common. It can easily become an impossible situation. My only suggestions would be when things are calm, maybe grease the gears by talking about how well the other kids are doing and then talk about how your dh sees ss18 succeeding as well. Does he have a plan to get ss launched? And establish a clear boundary for what you will accept like "ss will not live here after graduation unless he is working and paying rent" or whatever you need the expectations to be. If it gets heated, stop and try again later. I sometimes write out what I need to communicate if my dh is too upset to listen.
DH & I Are Polar Opposite on the Parenting Stuff
And to see the results today (as all are adults) is really sad. DH's kids have been homeless, constantly mooched for money as younger adults, stole from each other and other people, etc. Why? Because not one was taught the value of a dollar nor that work was a "normal" thing for aduilts to do.
After 12 years and a final humiliating event, I've completely disengaged from DHs kids. He can do what he wants with them and as long as our finances aren't affected, I really don't care. You can't "fix" a kid that doesn't care and that has two parents that don't care. And really, at 18, what power does anyone have left except to tell him, once graduated (or failed) high school, you have X amount of time to get a job and get an apartment.
When it comes to StepHell, I don't ask questions or even want to know anything about DHs kids. As long as they stay away from me, I'm good.
I don't feel you are out of
I don't feel you are out of line for having a problem with the 18 yo. My advice is to get with DH and get on the same page as far as setting expectations, boundaries, etc. Otherwise, you'll wind up supporting this SS forever. I have a 21 yo stepson who won't work, flunked out of school, lays around all day eating, smoking pot, etc.etc. I am in the process of leaving the situation because there is no end and his dad sees nothing wrong with what his son is doing ("If he wants to just live with us for the rest of his life I'm fine with that!"). I feel for you and hope that you and DH can get on the same page to deal with this.