Step daughter seeking all of my attention
I want to start by saying I'm grateful my step daughters want my attention and want to be around me. The issue is the balance of attention between the four kids. I have two children, a boy RO (4) and a girl E (5). My boyfriend also has 2 daughters R (8) and L (5). L has been misbehaving to get general attention since the beginning. Lieing, stealing, arguing, butting into all conversations and just not listening in general. We've gotten passed the stealing thank goodness, but not much else. Lately I've noticed that if I'm paying even a moment of attention to one of the other children she always feels the need to either act up so I have to stop and address her or insert herself into the conversation/activity. I do my best to give them all equal attention, but she's constantly throwing off the balance. Not only that, but my 5 year old E has picked up on alot of L's bad behaviors. Before this E had good manors, didn't argue with me and never touched anything that didn't belong to her. RO and R are both well behaved, but I did notice that when L is acting up really bad her sister R will do things that are out of character, I'm assuming to steal a little of the attention from her sister. L's behavior has become extremely frustrating to myself and the other children. My BF works alot to support us so I take care of all the kids at home and although I do talk to him about it and he does speak to her about it and about what is and isn't acceptable, I try not to complain to him about it too much as he does work hard and I don't think he should have to bust his butt all day and then deal with this every single night. I just want to find a way to teach her that it's good to take turns and share my attention with the others. That she doesn't have to get in trouble or force all the attention onto herself. Could someone please give me some ideas!!
Hi, and welcome. It would
Hi, and welcome. It would help us if you used our language, that is - SD=stepdaughter, SS=stepson, DD or BD for your bio daughter, and BS or DS for your bio son. So you have DS4 and DD5, and your BF has SD8 and SD5. At least for me, it helps to keep track of who is who!
So a few questions - where are the other parents for these 4 children? Does your BF have full custody of his? Are you working as well? What kind of parent is he? Why do you feel he shouldn't have to bust his butt all day and deal with parenting his kids at night, but you should have to bust YOUR butt all day AND night dealing with his kids?
Very good questions, as usual
Very good questions, as usual, Tog.
I would like to add some advice. If you are not working, you should be. Never put yourself in a situation in which you cannot take care of yourself (and your children). Additionally, while it may seem far in the future now, you need to be concerned with retirement. You are not gaining credits for social security nor are you contributing to a 401k. You are not married, so if your relationship ends, you will not be entitled to any support or any portion of his retirement. He is the only one currently benefiting financially from this relationship (as I assume he is not paying you for babysitting his kids).
Agree, 100%. If they are not
Agree, 100%. If they are not married, a break-up will leave her with nothing. Hopefully she at least gets some Child Support for her kids.
Your last question is a great
Your last question is a great one, and I think one more SAHPs need to ask themselves. A SAHP can't be "on" 24/7 just because they stay at home. They need a break, too, and that break can happen much faster when BOTH parents are parenting the kids in the evenings.
OP - something else that you need to recognize: the kids have grown up a certain way before you came along, and if they still have time with their mom or other family members, they're dealing with yet a different set of expectations. I'm not saying it isn't possible for kids to learn different behavioral systems (they do it all the time for school, activities, church, etc). What I am saying is if you have a different set of expectations from your BF in your home, and yours are more strict than his, his kids are going to balk at yours.
HE has to acclimate them to your system. HE has to ensure that they are behaving per your system. No other babysitter would keep watching kids who didn't follow the rules and they'd expect the parents to get it sorted. While you may be dating their father, you're the babysitter during the day. HE still has parenting responsibilities when he gets home because, morally and legally, you can't and shouldn't do it all.
Stop being a martyr. For 8-12 hours a day, your BF gets a free babysitter who has a vested interest in making sure his kids are treated well. After his work shift is done, his parenting shift begins. That is how it SHOULD be for every parent - intact or step family.
Thank you for all the great questions
I want to start out by saying I have been out of work for a few months now. I lost my job during a month and a half quarantine when one of the four children tested positive for Covid. I am starting a new job this week. I also want to explain that it's not so much that I think he should bust his butt all day and then not ever deal with parenting. I just can easily imagine how it feels working long hours during the day and then have to come home and hear about how your children have not been listening all day. I do speak to him about the behaviors and he does speak to them about it over and over and over. Unfortunately by the time he gets home most of the things that happened have happened hours ago. When he's not working he spends time with them whether it be time away from the house with them or at the house, but even during those times I've witnessed him having issues with both his girls acting up really bad and him trying to address it and getting nowhere to the point of activities is having to stop. The fact that I have not been working just made me feel like the house stuff including the children during the day is my responsibility to make up for the fact that I was not working. I now understand that this might be the wrong way of thinking. Unfortunately my children's father is not in the picture at all. I have been thier only bio parent since my oldest was one and my youngest was 3 months old. He shares custody with the mother and the week is split almost down the middle. I'm not really sure what the rules are at their mom's house, but the rules at our house seem to be pretty common to me. Examples are no jumping on the furniture, no playing with our food, no hitting, kicking, etc. each other, don't touch things that aren't yours without asking. I feel like during the days that all four children are here I have to repeat these seemingly basic rules a hundred times a day especially to SD5 and BD5. But when sd5 and sd8 are away I don't have to say something to bd5 even close to as much. Before school started bd5 and bd4 had days with me to their self but now that school started sd5 and sd8 are here all weekend and bd5 and bd4 don't get the individual time with me they used to. So when sd5 acts up because I'm not giving her the attention in that moment or pushes her way into everything that I do with anyone else it really affects bd5, bd4, and even sd8. I'm not sure how to go about this and I don't think it's realistic to tell BF to take a chunk of time off of work or quit working to correct it for me. I also know that from time to time when it's really bad he reports it back to OP and I've overheard her talking to them along the lines of why are you acting up for Daddy or you're not allowed to do that at home, same thing goes at Daddy's house.