What to do?
After my husbands daughter 12 coming out to her dad and her mom busting her with a "friend" spending the night that was her boyfriend. (A girl who identifies as a boy) she's been grounded at her moms. Her TikTok have been super inappropriate for a 12 year old. Her new style and group of friends are all kids who say they are cutters, are greasy and dirty looking and love to be depressed. None of this was hard to find bc of her TikTokz and just monitoring her phone.
I approached her with her mom and dad asking if she's cutting because her friends seem to all say they do it. She said she doesn't. Her mom tried to go off on me that I needed to let her know. I told her and her dad are both able to see everything I'm doing and it's no longer my job to do those things when they are both capable. I just checked the kids phone again and she's using safety pins and tape dispensers at school to hurt herself. She's telling friends what she's doing because she's anxious. She has multiple girlfriends and the one kid who is her boyfriend but is a girl. She also told another friend that she threw away the safety pins and is stopping. Do I say anything? They still won't monitor her even though they are aware of her history and who she chooses to hang out with. She's grounded at her moms and can't have her phone but she uses her email and teams meetings to talk to people on her chrome book that her mom has no idea about.
do I let them know what I've found or continue to be disengaged? At this point it wouldn't bother me or make mad that I found the issue once again.
I would let your DH know,
I would let your DH know, then let him decide how to deal with it. Sounds to me like this girl needs a therapist.
Yep
She for sure does. I've asked and said she needs help. Nothing happens.
After this, I'd also stop
After this, I'd also stop looking at her Tiktok or anything else.
Continue the disengagement.
Continue the disengagement. If her own parents can't be bothered keeping an eye on their child, you shouldn't either.
"it's no longer my job to do those things"
It was never your job to begin with (but you knew that already).
Disengaged
I'm erring on the side of staying disengaged and not saying anything. I just needed validated in that I guess. They know there are issues and if they choose to think they'll just go away I can't fix it. When I step in and it's not addressed it only makes me mad. Baby steps for me because I'm not even upset like I used to be when I'm the one who finds this stuff.
I was a little short with DH this morning. Not rude it mean just more of a short "bye" when he left for work. Now im at the gym taking care of me. Might go see my only kiddo at college this evening for some dinner.
Are her parents ignoring her
Are her parents ignoring her issues because they don't care or they just don't want to? Sadly, you alone can't fix this. I feel for you. It's difficult to watch this playing out in front of you and know that your hands are tied.
Not sure
I truly think in their minds they see her as a 12-year-old little girl who should be acting like a little girl, but the damage has been done with what she's exposed to, and they chose to just blow it off. They really don't think their kids are capable of doing anything. My hands are completely tied. Things blew up a few weeks ago when I told both of the parents what I found after BM found out some info through a tik tok one of her friends sent her that the 12-year-old posted. That's how she got busted with her boyfriend/girlfriend thing that she was trying to get to spend the night at her moms. BM had no idea she's pansexual/omnisexual/bisexual. :/ I guess the rainbow clothes, making rainbow necklaces, rainbow pins and putting a rainbow flag on her phone didn't throw her off a bit.
Followup
Just a followup. I told him to look at her ipad and phone and check more than text messages. I guess we will see what happens. Ugh. It wasn't like this when we got married or when we were dating. It's as if their mom and dad don't know what to do with teens so they let them be just like they did when they were kids.
Personally if you know she is
Personally if you know she is self harming, report it to the school, her school counselor, and CPS. Due to negligence on the side of the parents, at least you a responsible concerned adult. Let the two idiots deal with the school and CPS. These things can be done anonymously.
Agree
This actually went through my head today several times. I'm going to let her dad approach this first. He did call to get counseling started for her. I have a friend at the school who I talked to today. She said there is an entire big group of kids that are into being depressed and threatening self harm.
Update:
DH went through her phone and ipad this morning. He called the school counselor this morning. He asked me to check her ipad a few minutes ago to see if she's messaging at school through her Chromebook on Teams meeting. She is. I sent him a pic. He then called her mom who is calling the doctor and the school counselor again. Not sure the plans for the day or if BM is picking her up. DH said he's going through her room later. She said in a message to her friend that she's using her "gay pin" to cut herself. She wears rainbow pins on her shirts. He wants to pull those, razors in the shower and anything else she could use. She told her friend she has cut twice today but the conversation is so normal and casual. I recommended to DH that he talk to a counselor himself about how to deal with a kid who is cutting and says they are transgender. Of course her sexuality changes weekly. I would be surprised if she's actually cutting and instead just telling this group of kids that she is. She told the friend she cut twice in homeroom.