sigh... my situation is complicated.

I have lived in domestic partnership with a man and his three children for over 11 years.  For most of our time together, our children went back and forth under a joint custody arrangement.  Their mother was quite unstable and dysfunctional, and our oldest child chose to live with us full time when she was 13 (now 22).  Our middle child remained tightly bonded to her mother, but because of her mother's physical and mental health struggles, she (now 20) and her younger brother (now 13) have been living with us full time since February of 2019.  During that time, their mother relocated to an adjacent state to start a new life with another family.  Our children remained in contact with her, but have not spent much time with her at all in these years.  Biomom recently moved back to our state, about 30 minutes away.  My 13 year-old stepson had just starting having overnights with her, maybe 4-5 times total, but he otherwise never really saw her and only engaged with her sporadically via text.  

In these years, my bond with my DSS became much stronger, and in reality, I am his "person."  There is nobody on earth who has spent more time with this precious child than me, and I have been his primary parent for most of his life.  His father loves him deeply, but is a workaholic and is not around much.  His father has his own mental health struggles from an unstable childhood, but has not been willing to pursue professional support.  The impact of Covid, along with the death of his dysfunctional father has stressed my partner in dramatic ways, and he has made very poor decisions in his coping.  His drinking has increased, and in September I became aware that he was likely engaged in an affair.  As the evidence mounted, he refused to be accountable, and so in late October I made an internal decision (with the support of my counselor) that the relationship was beyond repair.  I began considering what separation might look like, with my primary focus on my relationship with my stepson.  In my heart, I knew his father could not raise him without me, and so I figured that life would pretty much look the same other than sleeping arrangements and the presence of this new woman.

Two days after my internal decision to separate, my stepchildren's mother died by suicide.

I was really hopeful that this tragedy would be a wake-up call for my partner, and that he would prioritize his children, his relationship with me, and his own mental health issues.  Sadly, it seems to have had the opposite effect.  He is in flight mode, and he is still actively engaged in the affair.  He has been seen publicly with this woman in the wake of his ex-wife's suicide, even the day after the funeral!  He took an out-of-town trip with her only 10 days after the suicide, and has not been physically or emotionally present for our grieving 13-year-old.  By my estimation, he is going completely off the rails, yet he still comes home and acts as if everything is normal.

Clearly we have to separate - it is completely unforgivable that this man is prioritizing this woman over his grieving children.  I honestly do not even recognize him as the man I fell in love with and raised children with.  Clearly, the timing of this in the wake of biomom's death, and the approaching holiday season is tender and tricky.  For now, I have decided to just put up with his terrible behavior and focus solely on my DSS. I have lovingly and effectively compartmentalized my own emotions so that I can focus on my DSS.  He needs me.  He still comes to me at night in tears grieving the sudden and dramatic loss of his mother. I am well-equipped to handle all of this, but do understand that based on the custody laws in my state, I am at a disadvantage for any type of legal custody.

 I figure that if dad is this sloppy, and is willing to offer evidence of where his priorities lie, I might have a better chance for some type of legal guardianship.  He denies and deflects with every confrontation, no matter how minor or gentle, and at this point, he is only lying to himself.  I have an appointment with a family law attorney on December 2nd to discuss what, if any legal options I might have.  For now, my sole focus is my DSS.  I have no intention of trying to take him from his father, and I honestly have no hope of that.  Ironically, his father is a family law attorney, and so I am completely disadvantaged in many ways.  I do understand that infidelity and poor behavior rarely have an impact on custody, but I am just wondering if there is anyone out there who has been successful in obtaining guardianship or joint custody as an unmarried, bonded step-parent?

Sorry this is so long - I could honestly go on for hours about the heartbreaking complexities of this situation.  For now, I will just sign off with HOW IS THIS MY LIFE???