Wow! First of all I just wanted to say how incredibly helpful I've found this forum to be. At first I just lurked and was kind of offended at how some people were so negative and said really mean things about their step children. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had so many mean spirited thoughts about my own step daughter - who is an angel compared to the stuff I've read here. But still, I guess I just had a hard time seeing the bad stuff in black and white.

But what really got me, I mean captured my attention and sucked me in and freed me from the thoughts I felt so alone with, were 2 very distinct concepts I learned from delving deeper into this forum.

1) I don't have to love my step daughter.   Oh jesus thank you that this is not mandatory!

I can care about her, be involved in her life, want the best for her, help her out etc. but I do not have to force some overwhelming love that a birth mom feels (as her actual birth mom does)  This is a HUGE relief because I have always felt so guilty for not having these feeling of love for her.

I just want to say at this point that her mom and I have been together since she was 3, so I feel extra guilty about not feeling like that second mom (we are a gay couple).

2) BUT, the thing that really hit home for me with this forum was the parents that posted thoughts about what they felt was 'mini wife syndrome'. I just felt like OMG, someone just put into words what I have been feeling for over a decade. My stepdaughter, now 17, is so still ... how can I descibe it ... glommed onto her mom, as she has been, all along. Everything her mom does is wonderful and right. She has always adored her mom. And ok, but her actions can bug the hell out of me and sort of creep me out. Latest  example: my wife just got her doctorate and after the graduation ceremony, my 17 year old step daughter had to run across the parking lot like some 10 year old to be be the first to greet my wife. She ALWAYS has to be the one who is the most attentive. 

I have been feeling uncomfortable about how weird (to me) she is with her mom for so many years. And all along I thought it was just me and I was just wrong for feeling the way I did. I'm so glad to know that I'm not crazy and that others have experienced this too. 

I could say so much more but ... this will have to do for my first post.