Getting on the same page as BM
So its been a couple weeks already since MIL told DH he needs to "get on the same page" as BM and attempted to facilitate a discussion between them (unasked for). But I'm just posting my thoughts on it now.
I dont think its possible for that to happen. For one thing, one of the parties goal is to fight and be superior. Even beyond that, there's completely different parenting styles and lifestyles. It's really annoying when people don't understand why DH is doing parallel parenting and try to force their ideals on him (us, really).
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Your husband needs to tell
Your husband needs to tell his mother to mind her business.
Shes convinced it is her
Shes convinced it is her business regardless of what anyone else says and she's just being a normal worried grandma. DH just doesn't talk to her anymore so she goes behind his back to BM
I get flashbacks reading this
I get flashbacks reading this stuff. Your BM and MIL are worse, but the theme of DH not doing enough "for the boys" is so similar. My DH eventually just had to start ignoring his own mother and giving her a piece of his mind when she didn't let something go.
It really is annoying, and it's unfair, and it's painful. I've had a really hard time answering DH when he gets introspective and asks if it's wrong that he's not sure if he loves his own mother because of this kind of crap. It's heartbreaking and infuriating.
My DH said the person he's
My DH said the person he's the most angry at in all of this is MIL because it's his own mother doing it to him
You are never going to win
You are never going to win this war because your BM allows MIL to be so involved with SD so MIL will continue to cross boundaries and meddle in that relationship and because BM is benefitting from MIL's involvement (by having to parent less), you will never be able to cut MIL out.
Continue parallel parenting with BM and block MIL and her toxic family. DH can parallel parent, which means that he doesn't concern himself with what occurs during BM's parenting time, even if most of that time, SD is at MILs. SD is on her way to PASing out and DH will not be able to prevent that, especially if MIL is dead set on ruining that relationship. He would be best to block MIL and the rest of the family, only communicate with BM as needed, and parent SD during his court ordered visitation. If MIL wants to parent with BM, cutting DH out, you cannot prevent it because BM is allowing it and MIL is happily participating. It doesn't mean your DH has to participate in this screwed up dysfunction.
I agree with all of this. I
I agree with all of this. I honestly believe SD is a lost cause unless she has some kind of epiphany as an adult. Im not holding my breath. The rest of DHs family is a lost cause. The hardest part about the inlaws is that DH still wants a relationship with FIL, who is too weak not to be one of MILs flying monkeys even if he's not fully onboard with it
Your DH will have to come to
Your DH will have to come to terms with the fact that a relationship with FIL is conditional and comes with the condition that FIL and the other toxic family members are a package deal. DH isn't going to change that and needs to figure out if a relationship with FIL is worth the toxicity or not.
Your in-laws are god awful.
Your in-laws are god awful. Personally, I would have went NC with them long ago over the 2nd class treatment of your children alone. Why your DH entertains anything his "mother" has to say is beyond me? Your DH should seek therapy to deal with his toxic family.
Oh, he didn't entertain it.
Oh, he didn't entertain it. He was talking to his dad and MIL started messaging him. Although now we know not to bother talking to FIL at all either.
I almost lost it on MIL a couple times, actually did once but idk if she actually heard since it was when SD was on Skype with her. Last time I saw her it was a couple somewhat neutral responses to questions and goodbye and that's the end of anything to do with her. I would agree he needs therap)y, he has found some online support at least
Does your dh know it is OK to
Does your dh know it is OK to hit his adult reset button?
MOM stop contacting my x. MOM stop meddling.
When she doesn't stop, and likely wont...DH will take the next step.
MOM I have asked you before, PLEASE STOP.. if you refuse to stop contacting the ex and if you refuse to stop meddling, our relationship will change in the following way: I will block you from my phone AND my J's phone. I will no longer attend family gatherings. I will not cave to dads call to come back INTO this mess. To forgive and forget because this is just 'how you are".
. I will be happy to meet with dad for coffee, lunch or dinner if he wants me to. But it will have to be without you. (DON'T SAY YOUR SORRY..SHE did this not DH)
Then wait...in good faith wait, to see IF she has any respect for your DH. When she doesn't,,,IF she doesn't stop ,,there is your answer.
Actually your dh has a lot of power he may not think he has. Either he puts a stop to it by setting clear boundaries then actions HE plans on taking if she doesn't knock it off OR he does not. It is up to him.