What's normal what's not?
I've been dating my boyfriend now for 9 months he has a recently turned 6-year-old brat daughter. I have a 10 year old daughter. His idea is to combine households in the future not immediately but that's his idea to blend the families if things go well.( I'm in no rush) I think his daughter is a little brat unfortunately. I maybe have forgotten what 6-year-olds are like and trying to figure out what's normal what's not. She is 35 lb overweight and has been a big concern of mine as to why my boyfriend has not addressed it although he says he is. He likes to blame everyone else for her weight and also blames the divorce. I personally think that he's not paying attention and has allowed these things to happen. although now that I've brought it to his attention he's made a few adjustments.
Now for my big problem... My daughter and his 6-year-old daughter does not get along. I've worked hard on raising a respectable child who listens and responds. She helps around the house although not perfect but I do get respect from her. She has had many compliments as to how well she plays with others and how sweet she is. She's mature for her age. My boyfriend's daughter has issues with controlling her temper. I have heard and seen her kick and hit other children along with my daughter. It's been blamed that she's just not being included and that's how she reacts. He tells her that she can't do these things but she does it anyways. She's lazy when you ask her to pick up after herself she complains and moans. When you ask her to take care of her room she does a half-ass job. Matter of fact when you ask her to do anything she asks why. She seems to have her daddy all wrapped up but he does discipline her I just don't see how it's effective because her behavior hasn't changed and it's developed to this type of behavior at 6. I find him blaming my child for not including his child during play time but I can see from what I hear from my daughter is that she's mean and always has to get her way otherwise she'll start crying. Then my boyfriend blames my daughter for not Treating her well and to understanding she's just a 6-year-old. The thing is that she has included her she just doesn't think she's very nice and says she has to be in charge. She was still wearing diapers to bed until I said this is ridiculous and then he worked on getting her out of diapers which was successful.( Again why do I have to parent the parent) She has broken many dishes at my home which I never had an issue with my daughter. So do I need to go back to plastic? I personally think she's just a loof and in her own little world and is clumsy because of it. Maybe there's some ADHD in there. Which I brought up and suggested maybe the school look into it with no response from Dad. We went camping once and told her that she could play but she needs to let us know when she goes to the playground not even 10 minutes later poof she was gone. The family that we were camping with also was willing to take her to the pool when we ran to the store. That mother asked her to stay near her because she couldn't swim well (she's still in a life vest because she doesn't know how to swim very well) She said no and swam away. Then when she said it was time to leave she started whining and crying. And the only way to get her out of the pool was the dad came along and got very Stern. She responds to stern discipline but she doesn't respond to basic communication. I don't think she's ever been held responsible for herself. She doesn't even know how to wipe and always has poop stains and dribbles on the toilet and never flushes... I just am baffled by all of this as I figured this stuff was something apparent was supposed to teach their children. Now I'm feeling like in order to have any normalcy over this child I've got a lot of work ahead of myself and I have no interest in having another kid to raise... Especially one that's a brat. My daughter has seen my frustration and I know she sees a lot of the issues in the boyfriend's daughter and thinks she is trying to help but unfortunately it is causing more trouble and we have asked her not to tell the Bf daughter any instructions as it seems to blow up in her face... they're usually a little things like basic 101 life skills... She really feels bad that this kid doesn't get it. I think she feels like helping her by explaining things but it backfires into my daughter telling her how things work. Boyfriend's daughter thinks that my daughter's bossy from this and trys to tell my daughter what to do in response. My boyfriend always defends his daughter by telling me that my kid isn't that great and points out all of her low points. I just think I have a good kid who gets along and really makes friends easily. She is easily able to speak up for herself and communicate quite well with adults and kids of all ages.
I guess my point and question IS... is this normal?? Should I run because this kid is never going to change or is there hope that she'll get her life skills from her father?? I'm seriously considering breaking up with him because of the drama, the stress and the blaming. I don't know if my issues are small and easy to deal with because some of your posts on here are pretty horrible.
This is Life part 2.
Secondary question to all of you is should I just find a man that doesn't have a child or just date without my kid getting involved, I would really like to have what is a normal family under One roof eventually but at the same time don't want to put up with this crap. Is there hope to having a blended family...?
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Don't subject your daughter to this.
Don't subject your daughter to this. Either date him and keep separate households until his daughter moves out, or break up now. From what you have said, it is only going to get worse as your SO seems to have no interest in parenting his child.
I agree that is fundamentally
I agree that is fundamentally what I conclude but I'm just trying to figure out how bad this really is... And if improvements can be made he seems to want to try. Sometimes I wonder though.
To answer your questions...
1. It's much worse than you think.
2. He doesn't think there is room for improvement; only you and the rest of society do.
3. You are correct to wonder, aka trust your gut.
DO NOT IGNORE THE RED FLAGS!!! Don't forget there is most likely an HCGUBM in the mix seeking to make even more issues.
DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR DD! She will resent the situation and will resent you for putting her in it.
Consider yourself warned.
Keep living apart
Keep the kids out of it. Date him and just him if you want. Crappy parenting is unattractive though. This will only get worse. The teen years will be horrific.
If your future desire is to live with someone , cut your loses and search for a new relationship when you're ready.
"Has he done the work?"
People on ST often ask, " Has he done the work?" What they mean is, does he have a residence for the child to visit with appropriate furniture ( frig, beds, etc), does he have a workable relationship with BM, does he have a custody order, is he payng CS, etc. The part of it that applies to your situation is: is the child comfortable visiting, is he handling all hygiene, behavior, bedtime and nutrition issues? I think you'd probably say no. People have found its really hard on a woman to come into a situation if the dad hasnt "done the work".
I think the other posters have a valid point about expecting your well-behaved 10yo daughter to have to put up with the 6yo so much.
I'm afraid you will get stuck trying to rein in this little wild one with dad being so neffective. Maybe just date him.
JRI is making excellent points
Plus if you step in to try to fix the child's behaviour you will automatically become the evil one. The child will know it is you who is changing the rules of her life and resent you. Plus at the moment your SO will not step up to accept that he has to parent so he'll undermine you at every turn.
Just date this guy without any kids involved. ie Adult date time only.
I agree he hits it on some of
I agree he hits it on some of the points but others like hygiene and health and food are missing. Is it that he's just a clueless man that doesn't understand how to raise a girl and is trainable or is this how it's always going to be a what you see is what you get I've read some other blogs and posts and it sounds like a nightmare which I don't feel like I have but at the same time I'm thinking about what she's going to be like when she gets older and yes she will resent me because I am the harsher one and he is even mentioned that I'm harder on her than he is..
A couple people including yourself have mentioned just date him AKA adult date but doesn't that also lead to the future of him wanting desperately to combine households... And my idea that wouldn't it be nice to have a family. Maybe it's not something that's really possible in today's world once you get divorced.
Clueless men don't exist.
Clueless men don't exist. Lazy men, however, do.
Tell me, who taught you how to be a parent? Who taught you to use Google to search out a website to find an answer to your question? What caused you to pause and look at this situation and say "something isn't quite right"?
I'll give you that men are not indoctrinated with parental instincts and expectations like women are. That's changing, but it's there yet. However, that doesn't mean men can't learn, or can't hear criticism and put in the work to adjust to be better parents.
It is not rocket science to figure out how to bathe a kid and how to teach a kid to bathe themselves. It's not rocket science to figure out how to plan healthy meals for kids that they'll enjoy, or figure out how to feed a picky kid. Don't get me wrong, actually getting them to do it is hard (especially if you yourself struggle), but it's not some insurmountable task.
Don't give your BF a pass because he's a man. He has access to Google and libraries and pediatricians and magazines ans bookstores, all FULL of information on effective parenting. He has you who is trying to point out areas of improvement, and you're probably willing to help him out.
He's not clueless, he's just lazy. It's easier not to do it and claim ignorance than to figure it out.
Also, to your final question about dating leading to combining families: no, it doesn't have to. This is where people make major pitfalls in relationships. Some people are good at being a partner for right now, or in a certain capacity. They don't have their ish together enough to sustain a real relationship, or they just aren't compatible long-term even if they're good people. Quantity isn't a good measure of whether dating should progress to something more; quality is.
If you're only interested in dating to find a husband, then you need to find out what it is you want and pursue that. Then, when someone isn't that, you cut them loose.
If you're interested in dating and seeing where it goes, then see where it goes. Don't expect every relationship to be long-term, but see them for what they are in the moment. If they progress, great! If they don't, it was fun while it lasted!
Figure out what you want and pursue accordingly. There's nothing wrong with either dating style, but be true to the style you want.
Remember, you cannot put in enough work for two people. If things would need to change for this relationship to work for you, then he has to be willing to make those changes. Even if he makes them, you may find that it's still not good enough. Or, he may not change at all. Love is not enough, so don't settle because you want a husband and he wants a wife. Also don't stay with him if you really want a husband but all he can realistically offer you is dating. That's not fair to yourself.
I'm inclined to think that if
I'm inclined to think that if you're seriously considering breaking up with him that you hav already made your decision and there's no point dragging out the misery. Just do it. I think the relief you'll feel afterwards will tell you that you did the right thing.
You correct I've been
You correct I've been thinking about it but haven't come to the conversation thoughts in my head that I could go through with it my issue is I have a small farm and I have a bunch of rental properties and he's quite handy so I have my needs being mad it's difficult out there to trust people and I've come to trust him and his abilities in other areas he's all so extremely sexy and also we seem to mesh well and match well. Best travel companion I've ever had. The idea that he believes family comes first is attractive also. Another good quality that he has is the desire and want to talk out things at times it can almost be too much... So yeah it's tough because I don't want to think that the future would be worse or the same and I have no desire to move in with him or even his daughter to spend time here.
In a school environment if a 6 yr old chucked a tantrum
And actually kicked people, they would be called into principals office and parents called to address this immediately. There would be no excuse for a parent to claim they felt left out and did this.
Right!! I wish I knew more of
Right!! I wish I knew more of what was happening at her school I bet there's clues there too.
The part that disturbs me is
The part that disturbs me is that your BF points out negative things about your child when you express concerns about his. If he's defensive (or worse, aggressive) when you try to address his child's issues, the problems are not going to be solved. Frankly, I would not be willing to take on his daughter as a project.
One of my SDs is 6. She doesn't behave the way you've described. She doesn't kick or bite other children and she plays well with others. Hygiene is good. She doesn't have tantrums. She cries about things I don't think she should cry over, and she's not the best at cleaning her room, but other life skills are on point. My older SD at that age didn't play as well with others as she was very bossy and wanted to do things her way (she was used to having a younger sister who always went along with what she wanted), but she didn't kick or bite or pitch fits. So to me your SD doesn't sound like a normal 6 year old, but my experience is limited to two kids. How often is she with you? Where's her mother in all this? Has the school expressed any concerns?
All great questions thank you
All great questions thank you for them. Her father has 50% custody it's usually a week on week off. It varies when she is with me we've brought her on a couple camping trips and she comes over when her dad has her. Which I already tried to limit that time. I am not 100% sure why the school hasn't called her parents more often as I've already witnessed it happen at a playground at a campground with kids she didn't even know. I agree he's extremely defensive even when it comes to me pointing out things . I tend to not validate enough and often don't like to beat around the bush when I see things. Maybe my approach is a little harsh but it's straight to the point. He had a discussion with her that brought him to tears explaining that my kid doesn't want to come over and visit with his kid because she's mean that seems to have stopped the hitting and the pushing but just yesterday she excluded my daughter and told her while her friends are over for her birthday party to stay downstairs but she only wanted to play with her friends. And she made some nasty comment that it's no longer my daughter's birthday anymore and so she doesn't get any more presents... To me that's just mean and I don't understand if that's just a 6 year old talking or a totally screwed up little girl. And I agree when he would turn things on my daughter I often thought this isn't about her it's about what I brought up and the alarm bell went off inside but I often try to see that both sides before making conclusions.
Appreciate your words of wisdom they all ring true.
Yup and if you went to a developmental paediatrician
This would be a red flag of behavioural/developmental problems which come under the whole kids with psychotic tendencies.
normal kids raised well do not take pleasure in hitting and kicking anybody they can. If you aren't happy about something, you communicate but in this case the 6 yr old just kicks and has a meltdown
Q: If this were a neighbor
Q: If this were a neighbor child would you keep inviting her into your home?
Q: Would you let anyone else blame your child for not being accepting of another child's brattiness?
Q: Where do you see this in 5 years when your own child is a teen and this one is 11?
Q: Does this child have other friends? Friends her own age? Or is she persona non grata w/ her peers/at their homes?
You asked if this is normal. Most of it is not, 6 yrs old can be a bit messy, not like cleaning up, not washing in the shower. But a lot of her behaviors is not "normal" for her age.
No if she was our neighbor
No if she was our neighbor she would not be invited back. I am frustrated about being blamed for her being the older child that should include the younger child and everything but isn't that what our parents always told us to do? I think the brattiness is her getting what she wants and controlling the situation aka play time.
The 5 years question is a great one I'm going to have to consider and yeah I'll be raising another child when I don't want to be because at that point if we're living together that would be the norm.
I happen to have a chance to watch her play with her cousins and a friend from school at her birthday party yesterday where she told my daughter to stay out of her room so she could play with her friends. They all seem to like her and she didn't seem to put on her bad behavior with her friends. My daughter said she was in charge and that's why everything was smooth.
I already know the reaction that her dad will have when I bring this up something about the children need to work it out and we come first. Hello also say he'll talk to her which I've witnessed and watched It's a conversation there is no discipline for her actions the day before. I will just be informing him that that was the last time that the kids are going to be getting together until major parenting changes have been made or we break up. I'm sure I'm going to hear how that's not fair and how my kid isn't that great... Wich will suck...
I will suck
"her being the older child
"her being the older child that should include the younger child "
Please stop thinking like that. Your daughter is not her babysitter. She cannot change SD's basic character. Your SD is NOT her problem and should not be made so.
I was the elder of two by only 3 years and never, not even once, did my parents expect me to include my brother in things. Why? Because we both had our own sets of friends and had no need of tagging along with each other.
Run dont walk
Id date him, but with the thought its not going to end up in marriage. Your child will resent you, if you allow this child into her life. Smooth sailing as long as she "gets her way", tantrums with agression and violence if she doesnt. A partner that claims "you come first", but doesnt support you or have your back when it comes to his kid. A partner that belittles and goes offensive when you point out areas that need work with respect to his kid. Ill bet he also sais things like "you just hate my kid", as an aswer to you pointing out any bad behavior.
Im lucky that SD15 backstabber is mainly decent to deal with currently. But I dont have any bios to add to the mix. Her sister Feral Forger SD22, sounds like your 6 year old monster. She is emotionally stunted, bossy, and has tantrums (still) when she doesnt get her way. Shes a gross human, who has no drivers license, hasnt been working at all (just got a new job in a strong of new jobs), and no college
This is your future should you take this man into your life and attempt to "blend".
Hey, Thisislife,
Hey, Thisislife,
I couldn’t get past, ‘She is 35 pounds overweight’. Since the average weight for a 6-year-old girl is approximately 45 pounds, your boyfriend’s daughter is seriously overweight! At her age, the girl is dependent upon her parents for her food; she can hardly zip down to the supermarket and purchase what she likes.
The fundamental responsibility of a parent is to ensure the health of his/her child and, combined with his lack of discipline, your boyfriend is a glaring failure. Rather than accepting responsibility for the mess that he’s created, he prefers to level the playing field by criticizing your daughter.
I’ve been there and done that. The burning resentment that results from living with a partner’s spoiled, indulged child when one’s own children are held to a much higher standard, is a relationship killer.
You’ve written, ‘I have a small farm and I have a bunch of rental properties’. Hon, you have a whole lot going for you. Seems to me that your boyfriend has much to gain from this relationship whereas you? Not so much!
THIS!!!
Your BF is a vampire!!!
Thanks for reminding me. I do
Thanks for reminding me. I do have a ton to offer and a very successful business woman who has created a small rental portfolio...bf... Probably lives closer to the paycheck to paycheck with small savings. I do agree but he's trying to make things easier in his life.
I have questioned why the school hasn't been contacted or why doctor hasn't been addressed and he just says that his ex won't follow along or listen to the doctors. Always full of reasons why.
When I found out he was still having her sleeping and pull-ups at night because she was wetting the bed I insisted that needed to stop. And after a couple months it was over. My question why I have to be the one to tell him to do these things. Same thing with the weight I brought it up and now it's something he focuses more on but I don't think he fully puts it all out there as to what would really help her. I believe the follow though is the lazy part of him.
Definitely turns things against me that I bring up that are concerns. Almost after I really watch what I say I do.
Oh my gosh are there any normal relationships out there and how do I find one
You already admit that your
You already admit that your bf finds other people and excuses to justify why its permittable for sd6 to continue behaving in this manner - he is even targetting your 10 year old child as the "problem" element during playtime and its just a matter of time until he ramps up his vitirol regarding dd10 and no doubt at some point you will be also blamed. Whereas you are trying to help sd, he is gunning for dd.
Your bf is doing the bare minimum to pass inspection over concerns you have brought up, as he is lazy and its not normal. Get rid. He wants a mommy replacement so he can continue to enjoy being popular dad, shirk the work, a bed warmer and room mate to share the bills.
Also just to add, ,that while my parents did sometimes tell my brother (who was 2 years older) to include me, it 1) didn't happen every time and if during times he wanted to just be with his friends I dared complain my parents would point out I was being selfish and 2) we were siblings - your dd is NOT her sister and you have only been dating 9 months meaning you are still getting to know one another and so are the girls. Dd should not be forced to always include her, she hardly knows sd that is way over the top, forced and fake and if your bf feels the girls should be inclusive then surely it should work both ways?! so why was sd permitted to rudely tell dd she wasn't allowed to play in her room and with her friends?!