New stepfather
Hello guys, I am a new stepfather, I have been with fiance now 12 months to the day, she has three children one is 30 (girl) one is 15( boy) and one is living with us (7, boy) now im having a difficult time accepting all three kids, I do have one of my own that lives with my mom she is 5 and we do see her too, but my issue is with the kid living with us and the two that dont live with us, the two older ones are having a hard time accepting me and they say they refuse to support our wedding they are very obnoxious and rude and swear alot and just generally selfish and I dont like their peronalities and with the one living here with me ( the seven year old) he has globally delay and ADD, and he is having a hard time listening to me, he scratched my 600 dolar tv with a quarter 3x because he was mad at the tv, he draws aLL OVER walls , bed sheets, with a permanent marker and even his own stomach was covered with marker one day when he came home from school, he steals everything he can he goes into moms jewellry box and stole all her jewellry and broke the expensive gold pieces, he is doing stuff like hammering nails into the walls( that he stole from tool box) he also keeps hiding food in places because he is the pickiest skinniest eater I have ever seen , and he stashes food all over the house wherever he can hide it if were not looking and it has attracted mice, flys, earwigs, fruit flyes, and ants. like this kid just doesnt listen hes been corrected a million times and still does things behind our back , once he poured liquid into the back of a tv and fried it actually i think he did that to two tvs, he also forgets everything like hats mits etc at school and at his other parents house when he goes there, ive been doing this kids dishes for the last twelve months and i would appreciate if he had a little more respect instead of me hating him all the time, like this kid bugs me sometimes and so do the other 3 i really dont like them at all , but at the same time i really dont like anyone for that matter its how my personality is i judge everyone and hold grudges anyways i am hoping maybe you guys could help me embrace this opprtunity instead of hating life , because after all this is my new family and i am very much in love with my fiance so im hoping i can somehow lay down my judgements or whatever in order to stop hating her kids so much but its very hard when they are the way they are and i do know online here everyone says oh if you dont like the kids then leave well its not that easy in my case thanks guys any advice info would help if getting this new stepfather a little peace of mind . oh and two other things i forgot to add like this kid does not wash his hands after bathroom we have to tell him every single time, he doesnt brush his teeth, he always has large skidmarks in his underwear and he spits, kicks, swears and hits kids on the bus, the behaviour has gotten better on the bus because we put him on ridalin now his behaviour has been good if hes in front of people now he just trys to hide everything he does but not very good at it, we can hear him sneak around the house as soon as we come down to the basement office he goes running all over the house snooping, anyways anything helps guys in this situation i am in, and a brief laydown of the other two they constantly talk shit, and the one is just an annoying geek with the most annoying voice i ever heard and i would of never liked him in the first place, and the girl talks alot of smack too even though i have helped her with rides to hospital and doctors and stuff, fiances mom is a whole another subject ; major bitch with a major attitude problem, and one last thing my blood daughter has been adopted out to my mom and she doesnt let me have her overnight or anything ya so my dad hood has pretty much been the shits, thanks guys.
new fam
my situation with new family.
1.) Your fiance needs to
1.) Your fiance needs to learn how to parent a child that is differently abled/neurodivergent. It's not the same as parenting a child without neurodivergencies. Her focus should be on learning to parent that way, not on getting married.
2.) Loving someone and a relationship being a good one aren't the same thing. You don't like people and you aren't willing to put in the work to change that personality trait in yourself. That's your decision. That also means you probably shouldn't date someone with multiple kids, two of whom are minors and one who needs intensive care and parenting. Or, you can date your fiancee but that doesn't mean you have to get married, especially whilr she has responsibilities that don't jive with your personality.
I'm not certain there are any tips or tricks that can be provided that correct her parenting unless she's willing to put in the work, or help correct your personality unless you're willing to learn how to interact with others, be less judgemental, and offer grace to those around you.
Don't get me wrong, SS sounds like a handful. But you also don't sound like someone who wants to be a parent (also evidenced by you not having rights to your own child). You don't have to parent someone else's child, but you also shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has children if you are going to hate them, hate their family, resent their very existence.
No go-
Sounds like too many problems - slow down. Your fiance has a serious problems on her hands from what you've described - doesn't sound like she has it under control at all. If she doesn't do something drastic- it will only get worse. Don't rush into this - I would move out and and backup a lot
Dysfunction attracts
Dysfunction attracts dysfunction in your example. Neither of you have any business dragging other partners into that kind of mess. Why do you have zero time/custody of your own kid? Why is the relationship w/your own parents that bad?
If you hate kids that much, love is not enought-you should stay single and do just casual dating...hopefully with a woman that doesn't have any kids. Also, not sure what her story is w/the age gap or if she has 3 baby daddies, but I'd wrap it up twice just to be sure you're not victim n 4.
And use birth control to not
And use birth control to not make more kids that other people have to raise.
If you don't like it, my
If you don't like it, my warning for you is LEAVE, it only gets worse, NEVER better. If you don't like it NOW, you WILL NOT LIKE IT LATER
First... use white space please.
It will improve your readership by making it easier to read your stuff.
Next... a change in your own perspective will help. Do not hate the kid(s), hate the behavior, adopt a zero tolerance immediate consequence model and enforce it each and every behavioral incident that any of your Skid's or your own kid perpetrates.
It is your home and your relationship and they cannot be tolerated to interfere in either in a willfully negative way.
PERIOD!
Most importantly IMHO is that you have to sit down for a clarity come to Jesus session with your fiance' that you and she are equity life partners and that makes you equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. If she will collaborate the two of you must establish the standards of behavior and performance for the kids in your relationship home. The one unequivocal fact has to be that the "marriage"/each other are the sole top priority. Kids are not. They are the top relationship responsibility but NEVER take priority over the partners and their relationship. EVER!
The violent vandalizing SS has to be met firmly with extreme limits, immediate escalating consequences, and a life of abject misery when he steps out of the bounds of reasonable behavior and the performance and behavioral standards you set for your home/marriage. This applies to the elder two as well. Comply with the standard of behavior and performance that YOU and their mother demand... or suffer a life of escalating abject misery... in an age appropriate manner.
If your SO does not like how you parent and discipline then she can step up and get it done before you have to. Or she can STFU and have your back until the two of you can discuss in private.
Try it. It works.
Good luck.
And... why did you lose your daughter to your mother? Some background may help guide the advice you get.
Welcome by the way. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.
appreciate
I appreciate the comments and teh feedback i will try to remain open to all constructive critism and apply it to my life situation, their is hope after all, im not one to walk away from a situatiom that has otherwise been the best tiem of my life, so thanks guys for the help, and ill start gettign into more constructive ways of parenting and how to handle certain situations, much love from canada boy.
my mom wanted to take my daughter for some reason to have her as her own dont ask me , lol.
chris
But what on earth does this
But what on earth does this mean? "my mom wanted to take my daughter for some reason to have her as her own dont ask me , lol."
Not funny, what happened to the mom? Why did you accept your mom taking over YOUR child? Are you very young? Did you have mental health issues or other criminal history that prompted this? I don't know of anyone who would just shrug at this and let mom take over their own child. This needs a lot more explaining honestly.
Yes! It's like the post where
Yes! It's like the post where the OP is like "I'm being made to take vacations with BM. How many pictures should i take?" The real issue (in my opinion) in the situation is presented as background info.
and your mom thought you not
and your mom thought you not fit enough to be a parent to your child? and you just think it's funny? ... somewhere you are lost... somewhere you HAVE to see that THIS should be a huge flag that maybe you are the problem, and maybe her adult children are just SEEING it? I'm sorry, this may seem mean, but don't marry someone with kids if you are unable to be a parent to your own.
Yes, this thread is making my
Yes, this thread is making my head spin. His entire problem is he has no relationship/custody of his own kid and he's worrying about the problems with his GF's kids- she sure picked another winner ....will he become baby daddy 4?
What is the rush to get
What is the rush to get married? There are four kids involved, three are hers, and three are minors including yours who you don't have rights too. Two of her kids don't like you and make no attempt to hide it. Her other kid is special needs and will need a lot of attention and parenting. It is time to pump those breaks and date casually unless you want to end up divorced again and even worse off than before you met her.