How to cope
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Hi step talkers,
My goodness i really need advice. How the hell do you deal with the never ending mess?
Should i count myself lucky that i dont really have to have anything to do with SD? The only hurt i have is seeing my husband slowly be alienated from his child who he does love. I can only imagine how i would feel in his shoes, but the problem is i am feeling it as though they were mine. How the heck do i stop having these feelings? Its like i feel for him so i say ok lets try ask BM for contact 1 last time, then i run us straight back into her pig sty mess. How do i let go and forget about the whole situation? I hope this even makes sense, i just need someone to talk to i guess. Sorry for the long post and thank you for hearing me.
I have often asked myself
I have often asked myself that question - ie how can I stop feeling what I am feeling about my situation? short answer is you can't - short of doing a DIY lobotomy. I am not sure how old your step kid is, but trying to force a very high conflict BM into co-operation with the bio Dad is usually unsuccessful. One can only hope that when the child/ren get older and are able to choose for themselves, they will have more interest in a relationship with your DH.
Too true.
"but trying to force a very high conflict BM into co-operation with the bio Dad is usually unsuccessful"
We learned early that co-operation, forced or not, was extremely ulikey with my SS's SpermClan.
So...... we adopted the pain perspective to keep them under control. They never cooperated. But they did crawl under the slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene poll for fairly extended periods after we invoked the regular legal, financial, and social humiliation "beatings" when they got out of control.
Too true Kes.
"but trying to force a very high conflict BM into co-operation with the bio Dad is usually unsuccessful"
We learned early on that cooperation from the SpermClan was not going to happen. So... we adopted the bring the "pain" to keep them under their slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool strategy. When they got out of control and deviated from any semblance of reasonableness, which was fairly regularly, we we invoked the legal, financial, and public humiliation "beatings" to get them back under their rock. They learned that it was far less painful for them if they STFU and minimized their manipulation of my SS and any interface they had with my DW other than short, polite, and focused discussions about visitation travel arrangements.
Interestingly, once they no longer had to pay CS when SS aged out from under the CO, they just about disappeared completely. Not only from our lives but also from SS's.
Finding the balance of pressure to keep them controlled while responding adequately to address any issues is a delicate process.
Cut off your emotions
Sounds easy - right?
Yeah right. Not.
I had a hard time not feeling DH's hurt when he had to listen to SD22 Feral Forger sob on the phone, begging and pleading to come back to live with us. But then when he told her "no", Felt the hugest sense of relief.
You cannot turn your emotions off, its a process.
Be glad that you do not have someone toxic in your life. SD22 Feral Forger on a good day I dont enjoy her company.