15 year old stepson has decided not to come to our house anymore.
I am really at a loss with my stepson. I have been with him since he was 6 years old and married to his dad for the past 4 years. We have had a great relationship up to this point.
In the last year he has told us that he is a homosexual. I has my suspicions and was expecting this at any time. His father is really struggling with this and his mother has been ok with it. I have always been my stepson's active parent. Involved in school, extra curriculars and day to day life. That is just the kind of mom I am. I love them as I love my own biological child. He is with us on a week on week off basis due to his mother's live in boyfriends and crazy situation at her house. He has admitted that he only stays with her so he doesn't have a curfew and can have his boyfriend over with no supervision.
He is a freshman in high school this year and has decided to join several activities that require extra transportation and financial contribution. I am the primary person that transports him to all events because of my work schedule and his mother's lack of interest in anyone but herself. My husband does do some transporting but his work does not allow him to do much. While I am happy that he is interested in these activities I believe that he is only doing them to spend more time with his boyfriend whom I am expected to transport to all these activities as well. I expressed to him that I am not pleased with all the extra work and financial support that comes with this and that I believe that he is only doing this to be with the boyfriend. This made him very very angry. We got into an argument recently about it and his dad said that he agreed with me. He was very disrespectful (this has been happening more and more lately but I understand that he is 15 and insane 
so I deal with it on a case by case basis.) I had had enough though and told him that if that was his attitude I would not be transporting him to anymore events and he could get rides from his mom and dad.
He informed his dad last night that he was not going to come to our house anymore because we don't trust him and if I wasn't going to give him rides anymore there was no reason for him to be here. My husband tried to discuss it with him but he wouldn't talk anymore. I was initially relieved, then devastated and now I am angry. He has been increasingly selfabsorbed but I attributed this to his age and the boyfriend.
Now I am not sure what to do. I feel like my husband has lost his son because of me. There are things that need to be done soon like paying for band camp (his mother makes no financial contributions to his extracurriculars). Of course I think he should figure it out himself how to pay for it or have his mom get more child support from us and we will not contribute to him beyond that. I have a 12 year old son that lives here full time and is going to be heart broken by his decision. And I love this child so much - so much that I have to parent him the best way I know how. Which at this time means not giving in to his power play.
Any insight would be helpful. Thanks.
Yikes....teenagers! I agree
Yikes....teenagers! I agree to not giving into his power play. If he wants to be at mom's because you won't give him rides then he can get mom to pay the extra expenses too. He doesn't get to pick and choose.
They can get very selfish at this age! It's a fine-line between protecting them and letting them make their own poor decisions and learning from them the hard way. Unfortunately in a divorce situation it also gives the kids a sense of entitlement for lack of a better word. Example: If I don't like it at mom's....I can go to dad's. It's a solution that kids from in-tact families don't get.
Bottom line is he is still a KID. He needs to do what he's TOLD to do. If the parenting plan says X days at mom's and Y days at dad's then he needs to be expected to do just that. He doesn't get a CHOICE. Not until he's 18 and an adult!
Good luck to you!
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. He really does think he is an adult now and should be able to do, say and act how he wants with everyone.
One time at band camp.....
One time at band camp.....
Wifeversion 2.0 is exactly right, he doesn't get a choice. period
LOL That is exactly what I
LOL That is exactly what I was thinking last year at 5:00 a.m. when I was driving him to the bus for band camp.
The next time he calls for a
The next time he calls for a ride tell him you cannot accomodate him. Maybe his boyfriend's parents can help out.
Powerplay. My SS then-16 walked away from me and his father because we did not have a no-curfew home like his mother. Since then he has done nothing but get himself deeper and deeper into trouble. Now he is 19 and still tries to manipulate situations. however we no longer get manipulated.
I know he is legally not supposed to call the shots but realistically it is very hard to make a 15 yr old do what you want him to when one parent enables them to make their own life choices.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. What did you do when your stepson came back asking for money?
This is exactly why I
This is exactly why I disagree with letting the KIDS decide whether they want to visit or not - at any age. It gives them a leverage over their parents that they should not have. If this were a regular nuclear family, no 15yo would have that kind of power over his parents! You are dead-on when you call this a power play, and unfortunately, you and your husband can not and should not parent out of guilt or manipulation. You shouldnt change your authoritative stance just because "wah wah he might leave!" and what's the most unfortunate is that a 15yo does not have the cognitive development to formulate the best decisions for his future on his own (although he surely thinks he does). So yes, he will be the one who pays in the end (since we know how teens turn out when they are given no boundaries), but because he's being raised in this split environment and has been given a power that he truly can not handle, then this is just how it is. There may be people at fault, but I can guarantee you that YOU are NOT one of them.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your comments.