Validation... and the lack of.
So I've been the step mother of my twins for 6 years now and the birth mother keeps making indirect stabs at me. I can't say anything or she can find reasons to keep us from seeing the kids. I feel like being a step mother is just a meaningless title. Recently we have had trouble around our house due to our neighbor hood and the lack of respect for others persons personal belongings. When the kids birth mother found out she didn't want us to get the kids because she was worried about their safety. I get that theft is a big deal especially when the whole neighborhood knows your husband is a cop and they still steal your truck out of the yard but that does not mean I can't keep the kids safe. I mean I keep my other two safe, why wouldn't I keep them safe. She told me it wasn't like my husband is home all the time. Well no, he works for the family! Pays the child support every week, I tend to the house and take care of the kids! But she keeps making comments about how my house stinks, I am trying to get rid of mice and roaches we ended up with thanks to some old roommates we had! But they can't take anything home that doesn't come from the store the day they go home, unless it's Christmas gifts! I tried to give the kids books I loved as a child but she sent them back saying they smelled to bad for the kids to keep them! I clean every day trying to get rid of everything but this is getting so stupid! My husband doesn't have to be home to protect the kids they are my kids too! I can't make my house perfect! Husband can't say much to her for fear of not seeing the kids but at the same time she can make demands on what happens around the kids while they are here. She doesn't seem to trust us! My husband let them watch some things I wouldn't but other things they're old enough for! But she doesn't like it....
I can not be the only one who feels like they can't stand up for themselves without being punished, like they can't be a mother to children who aren't their own. This is the second person who has treated me like I'm not their mother! I get it I'm not their birth mother but I STEPPED into the role as a mother for them. That's why the call it step parent! Or maybe it should have been a step aside parent. I get it I'm not the best mom, I just don't need to keep be treated like I'm a horrible mother! The kids are feed, I try to do things like park visits with them when I can. My husband just doesn't get it, he doesn't understand why I feel like all I have is some worthless title meaning nothing. I feel like I shouldn't even call myself their mother in any way, shape or form. I get I don't really get a say in how they are raised but I am or was supposed to be their mom too. I don't even do that to my step dad who didn't become my step dad until I was an adult. To me he is my dad. But the birth mother just keeps walking over me and I'm just supposed to feel like I'm still a mother to them. My own mother is just like let the father deal with the mother of the kids. But that cuts me out when I'm the one who takes care of them and picks them up and drops them off. The birth mother made that clear to my husband the other night too. My husband works nights, 12 hour shifts, there's no way for him to pick up the kids. He spends time with them on the weekend when his shifts are less hours and his day off. I don't complain about taking care of them I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. Like she just wants me to not have anything to do with the kids. This weekend they have Easter baskets to take home I had a friend make for them, she will probably throw it all away. I done gave my other two kids theirs so it wouldn't be fair to them if my twins ate their candy in front of them. I don't want my twins to have to share their candy either. I feel like nothing at my house will ever be fair between the kids and I'm trying so hard to make everything fair!
Why is it so hard to be a step parent? To be a person who steps into a role to help raise kids?
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Comments
No one who plans to have a
No one who plans to have a baby imagines a future where they'll have to give up their kids for someone else to raise part of the time. Just like no one who gets married ever plans to get divorced going into the marriage. You weren't in their happily ever after plan. But life happens. And the reality of breaking a family up is that the parent will have to come to terms with the fact that they don't get to see their kids every single day like parents of intact families. They don't get to raise their kids exactly how they want to with a partner that backs them up 100%. If they're lucky they'll co-parent with their ex, if not they'll be lucky to be able to parallel parent. A very small percentage will be able to look past the heartbreak and resentment of their partner moving on with someone else, and be grateful that new person takes good care of their kids. Most will struggle with the resentment. Just keep in mind it's not a personal attack. It doesn't matter who you are, it's because you're not her.
Honestly, there is no
Honestly, there are no official job duties of a "stepmother". The term was created when in general, people didn't get divorced, so if a man got remarried after being widowed, the new stepmother really did step in as mother (probably not the actual origin of the word). Now, with divorce common, there are a variety of roles a stepmother can play.
In my opinion, it does not make you a second mother and they aren't "your kids too". Especially with a BM like this, who is threatened by you, you'd be wise to step back. Let her have them if your husband isn't home. Just be a support to her and DH and don't see yourself as a third parent. In some remarried families you can become a third parent, in others, not so much. It's not personal or a measure of your worth, it's just the dynamics of your situation.
You might find it's kind of nice to not be responsible for their kids, you can just focus on your own. If you push it, it may end up in court and BM will likely win.
What does the CO say? How can
What does the CO say? How can she withhold the kids? And why is he afraid to say anything to her for fear of having the kids withheld? If he has his custody order in place, that's the time share and she can suck it up. she doesn't have to love your neighborhood. It's not her call.
if he doesn't have a CO, he needS to get one, STAT.
And I really really really understand that it's hard not to take it personally, but it definitely isn't personal. I would guess that the BM doesn't know anything about you. She's afraid of being replaced in her children's eyes, and that's likely why she acts the way she does. I understand that doesn't make it sting less, but your neighborhood isn't the problem and the books you've offered aren't a problem and everything else you've tried to do is legitimately not the issue. It sounds like you care and you've been kind. If there's a way to step back at least emotionally, it will help save your sanity in the long run, because she isn't likely to change