Disengaging working a little too well?
Hi, might sound like a strange question. Just had the grandskids first birthday. We're still in lockdown in the uk so no parties (thankfully! - I've actually seen the silver lining to 'social distancing' this year haha). Anyway DH never mentioned it (I knew that date). I saw a couple of things in a cupboard - card etc (he will probably have given SD money) which disappeared on the day so he must have gone round there with them (which I obvs have no problem with btw). He just didn't mention it at all - is this odd? I'm quite relieved I haven't had to get involved with anything don't get me wrong. I'm just feeling (rightly or wrongly) a little bit guilty that he obviously doesn't feel like he wants to say anything and also I haven't asked (as I feel I would be undoing the disengaging!)
As I've said before, I'm still getting the hang of all this disengaging business. On the one hand it feels really good but on the other I feel a bit uncomfortable but not exactly sure why. I've already decided not to get invested because ultimately there is no gain for me - only anxiety, upset and eventually loss, so I'm in full on self-preservation mode at the moment. Guess it just doesn't feel how a relationship *should* be etc. Whatever the hell a *normal* relationship is?!
Just after thoughts, opinions and or wisdom!
many thanks
It can be a tightrope walk in the beginning.
On the one hand, you don't want to be involved with people who treat you terribly nor should you be expected to. Disengaging is the only answer.
On the other hand, you are supposedly sharing your life with someone who has a whole other life (with skids) that you are not included in.
I think there is a balance which needs to be maintained and that will come with time. The longer you are disengaged from the toxicity, the easier it may become to have occasional references to them without feeling anxiety. Frame it in your mind that the skids are younger co-workers of your DH whom you do not like and have nothing in common with. So if he mentions them, you can listen without any negativity nor input and then change the subject. Nor will you feel left out if he does things with them and you don't.
I think where you may have an issue with this is your DH evidently went there and didn't mention it to you. If this is not your normal pattern (i.e. You normally tell each other what you do during the day.) then I would bring it up casually, like "DH, I know it was your gkid birthday, Did you happen to go over for a visit? If so, that's fine and I expect that you would want to do so. I think it would be a courtesy if you could at least mention it like you do all the other things you did throughout the day."
Explain that you won't pepper him for more information but he should at least respect you enough to know that you will not give him a hard time for wanting to visit his gkid on his birthday.