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Problems with step-son.

Meeks101's picture

Submitted by Meeks101 on Sat, 03/06/2021 - 4:05pm

Hello.

I have been married to my wife for almost 8 years. I have known her Son since he was 6 and  now he is 17.  Background is I don't have any children and my wife uses that against me.  My step-son's Father hasn't been in his life for almost 3 years even though he only lives 5 miles away.  I used to have a good relationship with my step-son but it has deteriorated drastically.   This is due to conflict with his Mother spoiling him and I dont agree with it.  He is constantly given gifts and taken out to eat even when he has bad behavior.   He is 17 and worked a total of 3 months in his life.  I know it's not his fault the fact that he gets gifts, new designer clothes but it has turned him into a monster.  He now has a girlfriend who also showers him with gifts.  It's always been a point on contention because I believe things should not just be given to you.  It would probably be ok if he did ok in school, wasn't constantly late to school and did any kind of chores on his own.  if he doesn't get what he wants he will yelll at his Mother or guilt her.  I used to intercede and tell him not to disrespect my wife.  But, it's pointless when my wife is buying him gifts later that same day.  I have gone to counseling with my Wife and it was a little better for awhile, but things have gotten bad again.  Me and my step-son are cordial to each other but there isn't more to our relationship other than "Hello" and "How are you?".  I also see him lie to my wife which I used to tell her. but I have gotten to the point where I don't say anything because he won't be held accountable anyway.   I also told my wife when my step-son graduates high school he needs a full-time job, attend school full-time or join the military.  For whatever reason she doesn't agree with that.  To add more to the story I've attempted to include my step-son in some of my hobbies but he always days "No".  Now my wife is basically telling me not to say anything to her about her son since I don't have children.  I don't know how it is to have biological children and I don't think it should constantly be thrown in my face.  Also my step-son refuses to go to therapy.   I don't know where to go from here.

Comments

GreenB's picture

Submitted by GreenB on Sat, 03/06/2021 - 6:49pm

I don't have the best advice but honestly the fact that she is telling you to not have an opinion because you don't have any biological children is disgusting to me. My DH told me the same thing multiple times, and in those times I straight up told him that this is my house too and we have rules regarding SS. If DH wants me to stay quiet in regard of SS, then I see no point in having to act like a mother to SS, or a wife to DH. I'm not forced to do that. I told DH if he ever told me something like that again, I will leave him: I find it extremely disrespectful, they want us to remember that we are not parents but yet they want us to act like parents. From what you wrote in the post you have been taking care of SS and try to build a relationship with him, things that his bio dad should have done, but your wife thinks you're the bad guy just because you don't have children of your own? That's very wrong.

Meeks101's picture

Submitted by Meeks101 on Sun, 03/07/2021 - 1:39pm

Yeah.  And what's crazy is I even put my SS on my health insurance since his Father took him off of his.  My Wife has been disrespectful towards me and calls herself a "single married parent". But she has raised this monster who seems as though he'll be co-dependent on her the rest of his life.  I've never been verbally or physically abusive to this child.  I'll admit we're not best of friends...but he's not in a bad environment here.  Heck...for the past five years I've paid every single bill in the house while she works part-time and only pays a cell phone bill.  Just no respect coming my way at all.

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Sat, 03/06/2021 - 10:48pm

I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation. I've been trough the same a few times. The fact that you don't have a child it doesn't mean you will not have voice because SS actions are under the same roof you are living and BM needs to know that. Is so difficult to make BM understand that you are not against SS and she is so wrong about everything, BPs are always so defensive. Unfortunately is a common problem in this step world about parents who spoils their children, is easy to say leave but I know is hard to do it, the best you can do is completely disengage about SS it will be difficult to ignore but it will be the best for your mental health.

Meeks101's picture

Submitted by Meeks101 on Sun, 03/07/2021 - 1:39pm

Thanks for your time.  Are you saying get out of the situation completely or just let the Mother raise SS how she wants? 

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Sun, 03/07/2021 - 5:12pm

I would talk to BM about this, let her know you are not ok about the fact that you don't have a voice and you wont be active in his SSs life anymore (you wont be only when she wants to, because thats not how it is) but she and her son has to respect your home and your space, if she wants to let this boy do whatever he wants it will be not in your face because again you want and deserve respect. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Submitted by Thefatherismyfamily on Sun, 03/07/2021 - 5:45pm

Tell her that your life doesn't center around her child and since she has children she doesn't understand how you feel. Also tell her it's inherent that you will never like anyone who  mistreats your partner. If she would like you to like her son, she has to talk to him about his behavior and there has to be follow through with behavioral changes. If he will not change then you cannot guarantee that there will be any sort of relationship with him in the future and adopt the not my kid attitude. I dealt with this as well and I have made it very clear that I do not like his daughter because of her behavior. I don't have to like her nor do I have to like how he lets her off the hook each time she misbehaves. This was when she was between 13-16. Since she turned 16 she is much better and I'm starting to be able to tolerate her in small doses only. She still triggers me and she makes me crabby big time. She thinks she should be the center or everyone's attention. But when she starts talking I just walk away and start doing something else. She's not the center of my attention. Also don't financially supplement his mother's expenditures for him and do not help her accomplish those favors for him. She wants to take him to eat out and buy him gifts? She needs to have her own bank account and her share of the household bills needs to be 2/3. You aren't responsible for paying for a bratty entitled kid. I stopped paying for his kids completely and I no longer arrange fun family things for them. I only schedule fun family things on no-stepkid weekends.