Possible pending wrath
So last time I posted it was because SD17 called my husband to scream and curse at him because she wasn't invited to my son22's birthday "party", which was really just myself, my son, DH, SS21 (who is staying here on school break), and SS's girlfriend. We ordered a pizza and played board games, which SD has never been interested in. She does not live here anymore, she moved in with her mom almost 2 years ago now and we don't see her that often, and she and my son have never been close. It wasn't intentionally leaving her out, but apparently she took it that way, and ignored DH's attempts to reach her for the next 2 weeks.
DH was off work last Friday, and wanted to take the boys to do something. Even though she has not responded to him at all, he called and texted SD to see if she could go. No response. He asked SS to ask her, and she actually agreed to go. Apparently it was like nothing had ever happened, and of course DH didn't bring anything up. He said he "just wants to get through this week". Apparently they talked a couple more times over the weekend and she agreed to come over Christmas morning.
I wish I could say I was excited about that, but I am not. Things like her screaming at DH have happened more times than I can count and I don't trust her. She and I are polite, but I am not comfortable with her. However, in the spirit of trying, tonight I was making lasagne, we had invited SS's girlfriend over and I told DH he should invite SD. She actually came. When she got here, DH wasn't home yet, so we chatted a little.
Earlier in the day, SS had left to go meet her and the in laws other 2 grandkids to take a picture for my in-laws for Christmas. It was SD's idea. She did not invite my son. The same guy who had a birthday a couple weeks ago that she screamed about missing. I found it ironic that she got so angry about not being included with "family" and then does not include my son. It also kind of ticked me off.
So she mentioned as we were chatting that she went earlier to get a picture frame for her grandma, to put her and her brother's and cousins' pictures in. I said "oh, that is sweet. I guess your grandma wouldn't need a picture of "my son's name", and I busied myself getting a salad ready. I didn't mean to say anything about it, it just kind of fell out. She didn't say anything for a minute, then said that she had asked her aunt from her mom's side to send her pictures of those cousins - as if the frame she was talking about was for BM's mom. So I said, that's cool. Where did you and cousins go to take the pictures today. And she knew that I had her, I could hear it in her voice. That was all we talked about it, DH came in soon after, and the rest of the evening was fine
However, it has happened before where something was said and she seems fine, but has a screaming fit on DH later. She doesn't like to be challenged, and I am pretty sure she knew what I was doing. I feel bad for even engaging, and if I was going to do that I should have just gone ahead and shared my feelings. Instead that's like playing the game, and I am tired of games. We are never going to get anywhere that way.
I did let DH know, partly bc I felt guilty, and partly bc I wanted him to be prepared just in case. As we were talking about it he said she left our house because she thought we were mad and fighting all the time bc she was here. I have asked him before and he has never told me that (even though I suspected), so I asked if he had ever told her that is not true. He says he has many times. It's so complicated, because she was the center of a lot of our problems, but it was due to how he was with her. We didn't fight as in yelling at each other, but there was often tension and I fell into a depression where I withdrew a lot. The one fight we had, unfortunately she was here for, and I can see how a kid would think it was because of them. It was actually because DH ignored what I had asked for - our boys were away on a school trip and DH was working the next morning, and it was SD's weekend to be at BM's. DH mentioned earlier in the week that BM had said he could have SD the Friday night, and I had said that was fine if he wanted to sped time with her that evening, but I didn't want her to spend the night- that Saturday morning was going to be my first one alone in a long time, and I had really been looking forward to it. He agreed to it at the time, but on his way home from work on Friday he called to tell me he was picking up SD.....to spend the night. I was so upset at him for disregarding me, especially when he wasn't even going to be home on Saturday. I went into withdrawn silent mode, he poked the bear, and we had the worst fight we've ever had. SD was in her room and we were downstairs, but she could hear it. I ended up leaving the house for the night. I hate that it happened, and I don't know how to fix it. And while I feel responsible for my part in the way things are now, I still also feel resentment for a lot of things that have gone on over the last few years.
Anyway. If you read this far, thanks. I just needed to let it out because all these thoughts are swirling in my mind. It gets to me sometimes. I can think I am making progress, but I still need help in laying it all down. Here is hoping for a peaceful and happy holiday
Disengagement
I know you are trying to practice disengagement and please keep doing it. You will never have a warm, real relationship with SD so the very most you can ever hope for is civility and politeness on both sides. And, with her being so volatile, even that might be a stretch.
Please come here to vent, so many of us have gone thru this. My SD59 is volatile, too. One minute, you think things are going smoothly, next minute there's a bad crying fit to "Daaad" that tends to blow back on me.
After almost 50 years of it, I now realize it's not just me. She has these volatile relationships with everyone, just like her BM did. Her lies and self-delusion only make it worse. She's under psychiatric care and has a therapist but I know this will never change.
Disengage as much as possible to diminish your exposure to her. Good luck.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it. Gosh, I can't imagine experiencing this for 50 years. I appreciate that you are willing to share advice and encouragement. My DH did say that SD is just like her mother in this way, volatile and looking for a reason to be mad. True or not, I can only br responsible for my own actions, and I wish I done better when she was younger. I don't know that it would have made s difference I. Our relationship, maybe even accelerated things going bad, but at least I wouldn't be carrying around this guilt. You are right though, disengage. I think I am feeling it more due to the holidays.
Family patterns
Our late BM had this same love/ hate relationship with everyone, but especially SD, not the boys so much. Extremely volatile. One day, they were bffs, thick as thieves. The next, there would be a hideous upset with each saying terrible things about the other. Then the big reconciliation. Another few months and repeat..
I see that SD59 has this same pattern with her 2 daughters. I have actually spoken to both girls (37 & 28) about this, just so they understand it's a family pattern. They both remember grandma's volatility and recognize the pattern. I'm guessing it was a long-standing way of interacting in BM's original family.
Your SD is probably repeating a pattern she sees at home.
NO, don't say "I wish I would
NO, don't say "I wish I would have done better." Your SKs failures are NOT on you. BioParents should have gotten her into counseling. THEY are her parents and they were in charge of raising her. It obviously failed. My DH says the same about SD10. "Well, she's just like her Mom." He writes it off as that is just how she is and there is no changing it. I definitely agree with part of it because A LOT of personality IS genetic. However, both DH and BM in my case did NOTHING for SD10 until THIS year. She has struggled for YEARS with depression, anxiety and ADHD. They are finally getting her on meds. If they would have done this when she was way younger, I honestly feel like she would be on a different path now. But hey, there is only so much we can do as steps. Please don't beat yourself up over it.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I definitely know it is not just me, but I can also see my shortcomings. I think most step situations are challenging anyway, plus add on my introverted, avoidant personality, and I feel like that made things worse than they needed to be. But, I could also see things escalating into more real fighting if I were different, so I don't know. I definitely think DH and BM both planted the seeds for the way SD is now by not correcting it early, and actually feeding it. Sd has been in counseling and on medication here and there. I think she had stopped a while back, but after SD screamed at DH 2 weeks ago, BM contacted him saying SD is struggling and wants to go back to counseling and medication. So does she act this way because of her issues, or is she thinking her issues are due to us? Unknown. Thanks so much for your reply, I hope things with your SD smooth out now that they are getting her some help!
Just keep your distance from
Just keep your distance from SD, be polite and civil. But don't allow DH's foolishness when it comes to SD affect you (as in, set limits on what he allows her to do that affects you.)
I do have to point out that if your in-laws are not your son's grandparents, it makes sense that they might not have included him in a frame of their grandkids. They aren't really obligated to treat him the same, and he and (you) shouldn't expect that.
You always have sensible
You always have sensible advice, and I try to keep it in my head. I totally agree on the in laws, I really don't expect them to feel the same toward my son, and I don't think he is bothered by anything like that. They don't know about this picture yet. I think normally this would not have bothered me. The picture was SD's idea, and it's the fact that it was only 2 weeks ago that she wss screaming out being excluded from my son's birthday, them turns around and excludes him, that bothered me. On top of everything else over the years, just an illustration of how she doesn't extend the same consideration to others that she loses her mind about if it happens to her. I think I am just tired of her being able to do and act however and no one says anything, but I don't think this was what I should have spoken up about.
When DH told SD that she wasn
When DH told SD that she wasn't the reason that you two fought, did he tell her that HIS actions in relation to parenting were? If not, then he has failed both of you: first by not actually reassuring his daughter that she isn't the problem, and second by allowing you to remain the fall guy and hurting your relationship with SD. If he hasn't fully explained to SD the cause of that fight and his part in it, especially since she is old enough now to grasp it, then he's failing you.
DH and I had a similar fight a few years ago. He had been giving excuse after excuse for BM and the SSs behaviors. I was already soured for the holiday season because of this, but wanted to get family photos for Christmas to give to MIL and my mom for Christmas. I had told and texted the boys what they needed, told DH to double check with them when he picked them up that they had everything, and asked yet again that night.
Lo and behold, next morning I'm showering, trying to get ready, and DH is being a bump on a log. The boys aren't showered and I am franctically trying to motivate them all. Then I find out neither of them packed their full outfits for the photos, and I LOST it.
DH came in being super defensive, and I tore into him. I told him that it was his fault because this was important to me, I had put in the work, and the sheer disrespect from the three of them was too much. That he had been giving excuse after excuse for all their behaviors for months, and I was the one he got pissy with when I finally lost my top. I cancelled pictures and we have still not done them, and remembering how hurt I was in that moment keeps me from ever wanting to get them done.
DH had to have a conversation with the boys that they, collectively, effed up. That they didn't put nearly as much effort in as they should despite me poking and prodding and reminding. It came down to it not being a priority for them and they were thoughtless. It wasn't a fun conversation to have, I'm sure, but it was absolutely a necessary one.
Your DH needs to show his daughter that how he acts as a husband isn't always right and that he can, and has been, hurtful. That she isn't the cause of his poor decision-making, but has been around when he has made poor decisions. SD might actually play fewer games with you, and you may feel less defensive, if your DH would own up to his own failures.
You have worded what I have
You have worded what I have been thinking very well. I have had trouble putting it that way to him, because he admits his fault in things to me and I don't want to kick him when he is down. He says that she doesn't give him a chance to talk about things these days. I don't know how true that is, I am guessing he is probably avoiding the hard conversation with her like I am avoiding saying certain things to him. But I feel like if I thought my child felt like we didn't want him here, it would be my priority to help him understand what was really going on. I have avoided being in the middle of SD and DH, so I don't know what their conversations are like. I did go to SD myself a couple years ago to try to have a conversation about how I have never meant to make her feel unwelcome and that I loved her. I of course started crying and she just stared at me like a deer in headlights. What I didn't realize was that she was in the middle of bagging up her brother's stuff without permission because she wanted to claim his room after he went to college, so I think she was more concerned with me catching on to that then trying to have a deep conversation. Kind of funny looking back I guess, bit I wish we had been able to get some things cleared up then.
I would have reacted just like you did about the pictures I think. I am so glad your DH got it, and had a conversation with his boys. They are going to be better for that, much more than if he had just brushed it off. It's not just looking out for their spouse, it's teaching their kids how to be considerate and treat people. How are things with your SSs now?
Things with my SSs are fine.
Things with my SSs are fine. They're good (albeit lazy) teens. I don't think their intention was to be disrespectful, but they have gotten pass after pass for that kind of stuff. It's never intentional; it's just selfishness on their part. DH has done much better since then, too, but that's not to say that he is in any way perfect. He'll screw up again, just like I will.
While this incident for you happened many years ago, it hasn't been resolved. I think it's still appropriate to talk to your DH about it. Steal my words if you have to. SD feels left out, likely because this is unresolved (and she's a teenager and their heads aren't totally screwed on right). Whether it's true or not that she was, she feels it, and your DH not having resolved these other issues is likely contributing to those feelings.
So, sit down with him and talk this out. If he gets upset, keep pushing through it. Of course he's going to be upset; this is a tough topic. But you can't stop hard conversations just because they are upsetting. You can a 5 minute breather. You can schedule with a therapist to talk it out with a third party. You can set a date and time to come back to it. No matter what, though, it has to be fully addressed, even if it's through tears and pouting and sighs and wails.
Tolerating behavioral
Tolerating behavioral bullshit for one second is too long. Not confronting g it for years causes just the situation you are struggling with.
It is never too late to adopt a zero tolerance and total confrontation behavioral bullshit model.
Stop feeling bad about putting your foot down. Your failed father of a DH needs to hear of his failures loud and clear.