Realizations about steplife over time
I am currently going on my 6th year with having my husbands kids 50/50. SD 20 and SS 19 have launched. SD 15 is still with us. She's pretty clean, responsible and respectful. My husband pushes his children to be independent, tolerates zero disrespect, and has appropriate boundaries. He's asked very little of me over the years involving his children.
Even with all of this positivity, I am counting down the next 3 years until SD 15 goes to college. I never thought steplife would get harder than it was in the beginning. Relations with BM have eroded and while I thought things were ok with SDs, we've had some issues recently that weren't huge but issues nonetheless. I am an introvert and they are extroverts. It can make for complicated interactions.
If someone would have asked me what's the worse thing that could happen (barring SD 15 having to be with us full time), I would have said this exact situation we are in with Covid. No friends, and only 12 hours of online school a week. I've become a SAHM over the last year and a half so now we are both home. All. the. time.
At this point, I realize that I simply do not want to share my space with anyone other than my immediate family. And I don't want to share my husband with children that he had with another woman. I simply don't want to. I've seen 3 different therapists and a life coach about my general distaste and consequential guilt over the situation. I've started exercising regularly and have picked up hobbies. Nothing has changed. I still just do not like steplife. I do however, accept it. I have to to keep my marriage intact and that is extremely important to me. I have my coping mechanisms and I implement them accordingly.
Im hoping as time goes on, I will be able to enjoy visits when they are all out of the house. After all, I do have some sort of relationship with all three of them. I hope once SD 15 will go back to school (i'm sure not till next fall) and be with her friends, I will have an appreciation for "normal life" and how busy she is.
It all still eats away at me though. I get depressed every Sunday she comes back and though we have a nice one on one relationship, I spend my days avoiding her when I can. I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess just wondering if anyone can relate.
Skids in the household with
Skids in the household with this COVID19 issue has got to be extremely difficult. I really think things will start getting easier for you soon. In the spring hopefully the COVID will ease up, schools will eventually be full time, maybe she'll get a summer job, and in 3 years hopefully SD will be off at college. Hang in there! Keep up with what you've been doing.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the encouragement and understanding ! I guess that's all I was looking for...
I can relate
Im an introvert, too. That's a big factor when we are forced to share space with people who don't seem like "ours". Heck, I even felt that way recently when DS55 was here a couple weeks due to his MIL's health issue.
You have a good enough relationship with all your SKs. That's a lot to be able to say and better yet, 2 are launched. Your DH sounds like a good dad. You are in the 3-year countdown for SD to launch. I know all these positive factors don't remove the sense of space invasion you are feeling..
Try to look at it from the long-term perspective. Im 75, went thru all possible hell with 3SKs and 2 BKs, 6 years difference from the oldest to the youngest. They are all gone now and DH and I love our days together, it is heaven, just us. It was worth it to get to this point and I bet you will feel the same way. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your understanding. I never realized how much the introvert/extrovert thing would come into play. I'm really hoping for my next stage to be like yours!
Hearing that it can be done
Hearing that it can be done gives me hope. Thanks.
Don't feel bad. I know bio
Don't feel bad. I know bio parents that feel this way towards their own kids. People need space. Having kids that are not your own in your home can be stressful. There a lot of boundaries and unspoken rules that go along with being a stepparent too. Often times I avoid situations because I feel like I'm overstepping. I'm not their bio parent. Hopefully everything with covid with calm down soon. It's caused so many of us too much stress in our day to day.
Yes, I'm really hoping I will
Yes, I'm really hoping I will appreciate it when she is able to go back to her usually busy life! Thank you.
At least the youngest is 15.
At least the youngest is 15. As long as your DH isn't enmeshed with the skids and you don't think he will try to keep them around as adults, you are on the home stretch.
Yes, very true. I'd be
Yes, very true. I'd be really struggling if she was much younger. Luckily she is definitely college bound and my husband does not believe in the kids living with us past 18. I got lucky on that one
I totally get it! I don't
I totally get it! I don't wish my SD23 harm but I don't want to parent her either. Nor do I want to live with her. I soldiered through it during her college years but refuse to do so any further. For me it is a combination of not wanting to parent anyone (no bio-kids of my own) and a dislike for SD23, who is a classic narcissist and generally toxic to be around.
At least it seems like your SD15 is somewhat agreeable to be around and the next 3 years will go by quickly, though I know the current COVID situation is probably tortuous. Hang in there, you are coping well and we all have to learn to let go of the guilt that comes from not loving SK's - it is normal and and quite common so no need to beat yourself up for it. Your DH loves you for you - his kids with another woman are his responsibility, not yours.
Don't let them move back in after college, though it sounds like your husband is also of that mindset.
Thanks for your understanding
Thanks for your understanding and encouragement. It amazes me how some people in terrible situations cope. I'm barely hanging on, and I have a fairly ideal situation lol
I ditto everythong
I ditto everythong caninelover said. While I don't wish ill on my skids, I certainly wouldn't want them living with me--very difficult and enmeshed with their mother. I also battle guilt over not liking them, but at the end of the day, I realize they are not mine, I didn't raise them, I haven't been unkind to them, and I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting the toxicity around me.
I understand completely and
I understand completely and please don't feel bad. Just acknowledge and accept. I'm lucky in that I have managed to get my SO to not allow SKs to stay over any more, it was driving me insane and I could not relax in my own home. It was really difficult as they are extroverts and loud and I'm an introvert and like my space and peace and quiet. My own DDs are like me and get overwhelmed by them too.
Thank you. Sometimes, I
Thank you. Sometimes, I think bc of the resentment I have, I think the worst things about SD15 or get annoyed super easily. I still struggle to accept this about myself. I sometimes look at my son and feel bad for him bc his mother thinks these things about a kid. Ugh, step life just isn't for me i think.
You've described my situation
You've described my situation almost exactly.
We had a bumpy first few years where I WAS expected to do too much...but part of that was my own fault, jumping in and doing stuff.
However, DH was hurt at first but eventually fine and understanding when I disengaged. He's a good dad. Kids have their issues...but if I'm being honest they're no worse than normal young person issues in general...mostly they've turned out well so far.
I still didn't like having them around, sharing my space. I also have 3...and I'll admit It was especially bad when the first two had launched and just YSD was left. I could barely stand to be in the same room as her...and I felt extremely guilty bc we'd always gotten along well before. It was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel made me anxious to be rid of her...and everything she did got on my nerves.
Its OK. I've felt like a bad person many times because of these feelings...but they're just feelings. It sounds like you're good to your husband and his kids.
Now they are 24, 22, 20 and they rarely come over. When they do, I can manage...though I greatly prefer meeting them out somewhere instead of having them in my home. I'm also an introvert...so maybe that's part of it.
Whatever the reason...I've let myself off the hook for these feelings now...don't feel guilt any longer. You don't have to love having some teen who isn't related to you in your home every other week. Why would anyone enjoy that? I mean...honestly...
Wow, I think you have the
Wow, I think you have the most similar situation to mine of anyone I've read (and I read a lot on here lol). It's interesting that your struggle got worse when it was only YSD left too. Maybe it is that i'm just so antsy for it to be over. That actually happens to me on the sundays she goes back to BM. As the time approaches, I feel even more annoyed with her being there, even though it seems like I should be more relaxed bc she's leaving soon.
Becoming a SAHM (i worked nights and weekends the first 4 years, which is probably the only way i got through it when all 3 kids were around), and then Covid on top of it all is really dragging me down. Thanks for the reminder to try not to feel guilty. And I agree, who would want this??!
We all likely can relate at
We all likely can relate at some level. Even people with only BKs get to the point that they have had enough of even their own kids and need a break. Someone else's kids consumming your life is that much more frustrating.
Take care of you.
Even Bio Kids...
This is not a normal situation. On the one hand I feel sorry for the parents who have to participate in on-line school while trying to work at the same time. On the other hand, in a way it is worse for us with teenagers and college students. It is not normal for kids of that age to be forced to be at home with their parents this much. When my college kids were back from mid March through August, it was not all fun. At first I was happy they were home, but then my son started with his idealistic college kid we're-going-to-change-the world political arguments (as if he is the first college student to decide his parents are hopelessly conservative) which was rather infuriating, especially with the events over the summer.
My very independent daughter kind of wanted to be babied and would leave glasses/dishes around the house and say what's for lunch. I sorted out the situation (was very mindful of my saint DH putting up with it) and it was fine by the time they left for school in August.
DD16 goes to swim training like once or twice a week and has a job as a tutor at Mathnasium (I was shocked....that is something her Pre-Med older sister would do, but I'm proud of her and it will look great on her college applications) and does see a few friends, but I have to admit I'm a bit resentful that I feel in a way DH and I have to put our lives at risk to keep hers as normal as possible.
So these are my bio-kids...I love them...and I've been really frustrated with all of them at one point or another since this nightmare began. Cut yourself some slack - it's a totally normal reaction - not your kids. I truly do not know how my DH does this. Nothing bothers him, but I try to view all behaviors through the eyes of a step parent for his sake. This will get better!
Hang in there!
Thank you! It does make me
Thank you! It does make me feel better to know that people feel this way about their bio kids. I only have an 18 month old and while he can be frustrating at times, it's not comparable to a teen. I keep a lot in, because sharing these feelings with my husband can get sticky. Then something will trigger me, and i won't handle it well with him. Ugh it's hard living life just waiting for something to end (two things now with covid), but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Kudos to you for being so
Kudos to you for being so kind about the situation and hanging in there. It really is a positive that your skids aren't hateful (well, at least yet). This Covid thing really sucks and I can't imagine being trapped inside with a child that's not mine and who has no friends and other outlets besides me and my husband/their dad. Can they not spend more time with their mom?
There is no way I could ask
There is no way I could ask that. SD is very close with my husband and would not want that. My husband wouldn't either. We've already had a few issues like if SD 20 comes home on a break from college and I get upset if she asks to stay with us. My husband feels like saying no sends a message that he doesn't want them and does not know how to respond. He's explained in the past that i'm an introvert, etc but that has backfired on me with the two daughters.