Dabbling in poetry
Edit...For some reason the formatting is one big paragraph instead of formatted like a poem. Kind of takes away from it : (
I love getting up early. Cleaned house, made breakfast and wrote a poem before 8 am. I've been working on a novel but it is so slow moving. The poem can be written and edited by the time breakfast is ready. Hope you enjoy:
You left the room today saying, "Do you see my dilemma here?"
If I kiss you goodbye, Im fake. If I don't, I'm hostile. Do you see my dilemma here? If I treat your kids as my own, I'm told, 'you hate my kids.' If I disengage, Im told, 'you hate my kids.' Do you see my dilemma here? When I take a stand, I'm harsh, too strict. When I stand back to let you take charge, I'm not doing my part to help out. Do you see my dilemma here? When I state my dissatisfaction, I'm a nag, a constant nag, told I never stop. I say nothing, Im depressing to be around, wasting your life away. Do you see my dilemma here? Im annoying, cold, difficult, a know it all, petty, bossy, a two year old, a mind-fucker and shitty. I am demeaned for reading, being educated, trying to better myself. I am devalued, disgraced and humiliated. Stabbed in the back by the man who says he loves me. Do you see my dilemma here? I have been alienated but accused of alienating myself, being my own entity and not part of the family. I have been humiliated but accused of being pretentious. My life has deteriorated, my health is in decay, my self worth cheapened, this life has left me spiritless at times, broken, submissive to the sorrow and heartbreak. Do you see my dilemma here? I'm not in the parenting job to be well-liked, to be adored. I'm in this game to raise well-rounded, decent humans with a chance at life. I must be doing a good job. I am not well-liked and my husband no longer adores me. I can live with that. I need to go to bed at night believing I did the best I can. Sometimes waking up, unable to sleep due to nightmares, the terror that is my day leaks into my sleep at night. I am however supported by many loved ones, who see what I see. Who quietly stand by watching, noticing, disturbed, unsure of what to do. Those who feel it is not their place to step in or if they feel it is, they are afraid. Afraid of the wrath of a parent with rose-colored glasses. Do you see my dilemma here?
- Chmmy's blog
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Comments
Damn this isn't any kind of
Damn this isn't any kind of life I want to live. I hope you are able to get out soon.
Steplife in a nutshell
You said it well. If it's any consolation and you want to stick it out, there can be many less stressful years ahead with your DH when they are all launched. We are proof of that. I wonder how many, many times I thought about leaving during the stepkids years, hundreds or thousands. I guess the main question is: putting the SK issue aside, how do you feel about him? Would you still want to be with him? For me, the answer was yes but it was a close call. I remember sleeping apart from him for awhile and what was going thru my mind was, "The kids, the dog, the cat". Stupid, I know, but I guess my mind was considering who I'd have to take care of.
One big issue for me was my BKs. We were living in a nice suburb and they were attending an excellent school with friends who were good kids. The problem wasn't them vs the SKs, it was the SKs and me. I cant recall if you have bios at home. The factor that tipped it over to me staying was the welfare of my BKs. Everybody's situation is different. Good luck, hoping for the best outcome for you.
I know you're waiting for the
I know you're waiting for the right time, but really, there's no time like the present. Reading your poem (which is lovely though sad), I could only think "Get out now - start your new, better life." It's not worth staying with these losers. Your husband has shown by the way he treats you and gaslights you that he is the Supreme Loser of this Loser Pack. Thank goodness you're not like them.
I'm always blown away by the
I'm always blown away by the amount of negativity some of you get from your partners. Life is too short for that. Find someone who can talk about issues without diminishing you and attacking your character.
Your poem was poignant and
Your poem was poignant and full of pain. I was reminded that a year or two before I left my ExH I started writing poetry, I joined a writing group and had good feedback from other members, two of whom I am still friends with (this was in 2000) . Poetry gets us through the very dark days and is a form of expression when no other will do. Carry on writing - you're good!
I enjoyed writing the poem
I enjoyed writing the poem and I'm proud of it for a first timer. The poem was dramatic but true. This is how I am treated. I am living my best life without him and spending his money enjoying a 75 degree day with a run by a small lake. I did send DuH the poem. He said, "The poem is wrong." Fortunately, I can just laugh at his stupidity.
Right now, my son is not doing well, he had a car accident with a brain injury in April 2019. We are spending thousands on medical bills and he may have to leave work for a while. I like the freedom of not working so I can be there for my adult kids. I also like that I have time to write my novel. I have a nice big bedroom with a bathroom and we are working on an office for me with a deck that should be ready by November. No way I'm leaving all that. All I have to share with his family is a kitchen and I have my own cabinets, utensils, plates, pots, pans, food. Everything is separate like roommates. I cook and prep food when everyone sleeps. I barely cross paths with these people AND DH pays each and everyone of my bills. Why should I leave MY house. I own half and the kids know if I move out and divorce, he needs to buy me out and he will lose the house so NO ONE gets in my way anymore. The sweet woman who moved in with them in 2018 and tried to be a decent stepmom is GONE. I put up with ZERO from anyone including DH.
I posted this poem because I was proud of it. I may add it to my novel. I wasn't looking for sympathy. Life is good...can you tell I went for a run today in the sunshine???
If you're getting something
If you're getting something you want from this relationship and it's enough for you for the time being, then carry on. Your poem is great; I hope to get to read your novel someday.