Did I Overreact As SO & Adult SKs Went On A Cross-Country Vacation Without Me?
My DW & adult SKs went on a cross-county vacation without me and I was not invited. Our 2.5 year marriage has been on the rocks mainly due to her entitled BKs in their early & late 20's. The SKs have never been made to respect our marriage, which supposed to be our union as one on both fronts - two people now one & two families now one. I think because DW doesn't & don't make them.
Hurt beyond belief and not to be "dramatic, judgmental or have them walk on eggshells" as I was told I do, I left without cursing, yelling or even hugging/kissing my wife. I didn't want her to see me cry. Also, I didn't answer the call when I left for those same reasons. They didn't even call to let me know when they made it to the airport or give me flight information. So, I blocked her calls & removed her on Facebook to avoid being asked & embrassed by not being on the "family trip." Did I overreact by blocking her on my phone & FB?
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OP, this isn't about a trip.
OP, this isn't about a trip. This is about a toxic situation in which you are being excluded and mistreated, and your wife's adult kids are being treated as her partners. Please trust your feelings - this is a bad situation for you. She's being emotionally abusive and blaming everything on you.
I wouldn't mind my DH taking a trip with his son if he talked with me ahead of time. I would mind if it was a trip we planned together and I was told 10 minutes before he was leaving that he was going with his kid, without me.
If you feel this marriage is worth another chance, then set up the marriage counseling. I wouldn't expect much from it, she sounds very self-centered and unlikely to change. The better bet might be taking this time they are away to find an apartment and move yourself out. You deserve a marriage where you are treated as an equal, valued partner.
^^^Agree^^^ I wouldn't be
^^^Agree^^^ I wouldn't be thrilled about DH and SDs 23 and 25 going on a trip without me any more (he used to do a lot of this when they were younger) but if he talked to me about it weeks beforehand and got my agreement, I wouldn't object, so long as it was only a few days. But the way your wife executed this was not only underhand, it was mean and disloyal. Honestly? I wouldn't bother with the marital counselling.
Great points, TR.
Great points, TR. I appreciate them.
Cancel it. There is no fixing
Cancel it. There is no fixing her.
Honestly, you sound miserable, you should welcome getting away from this dysfunction.
Thanks but I'm going to keep the session.
Thanks but I'm going to keep the session. If SO doesn't come, it will be my personal session on how to move forward alone. This is a non-negotiable for me as it is my last attempt.
Incest takes on many forms;
Incest takes on many forms; it's not just sexual.
Your wife gets all of her emotional needs fulfilled by her children. The only things she needs from you are the things that she can't get from her kids, which are sex and a second income.
This isn't a marriage. You've already discussed divorce, and she just gave you the perfect reason to sign the papers. Use this time that they're on the trip to work with an attorney to get papers drawn up, have the locks changed, and have her stuff boxed and ready to move in one of the spare rooms that she can live in for 30 days before she needs to move TF out.
This hurts because it's wrong. It's wrong to be treated this way. It's wrong for a spouse to lie and manipulate. It's wrong and toxic. There is no coming back from this, and if there is, it's not anytime soon and not without a frackton of work.
YOU are not over reacting.
YOU are not over reacting. Your wife is dead wrong here. Please consult and attorney as soon as possible. I am glad she is moving out- talk to the lawyer about abandonment and if that is something you can use to your favor in the divorce- especially if she is going after alimony.
Given what you said
It wouldn't be an overreaction to also take the opportunity the peace and quiet to pack up all their things and put it in the garage or a storage locker. And to change the locks if possible. If you aren't moving out but they are, help them with that.
I am enjoying the peace & quiet.
I am enjoying the peace & quiet but I am not going to touch their things so they can't say anything on that front. However, I do expect some changes when they return as this was a major eye-opener for me.
Wow, I agree with all of the
Wow, I agree with all of the other posters. Your wife is being mentally abusive. You deserve better and "being hard" on her grown ass children isn't any excuse for the treatment you are receiving.
I'm glad you are keeping the therapy appointment for yourself. I think that is a good idea.
Please don't allow this woman and her children to continue treating you like this!
Thanks.
You're right because even this morning when she texted that I was being controlling & inconsiderate, I asked what about my feelings. She replied after our trips & some with my little niece and nephew, this is the first one with her kids since we been married. My reply was because when I invited them, either they said No or you said they wouldn't be interested. Then, there was radio silence until she said, I told I could go spend this time with my family. I said, you don't it. I am beginning to feel like she don't and/or won't get it.
I'm sorry that you are going
I'm sorry that you are going through this. She can try to justify her trip and antics all she wants but just know that your feelings are understandable here. What she did was hurtful and wrong.
IMO your wife sounds very selfish! She knew this would hurt you and then she tried to make it out like you were the issue. Not a good sign!
I do see the manipulation
I do see the manipulation from both her & her kids now. It now up to me to stop it.
So she's giving you
So she's giving you "permission" to spend time alone with your family, though she normally insists you never spend a night away from her, regardless of your safety driving home? Yet she can take off on a vacation and disinvite you?
This is controlling, abusive behavior.
Thats horrible
Im mad for you. You are completely correct in going to counseling. You need to grieve this marriage. Do not look at it as a failure on your part. You have a toxic parent situation, and the kids are toxic as well. They are all using you. Enough is enough, she is telling you how she feels about you, believe her.
They knew what they were doing was wrong. They did it anyway. The fact that it was hidden from you sais everything.
PLEASE consult a lawyer, and pack her/their things. She tells you you are acting childish? No, you are going no contact.
Appreciate the response.
You're right. This is toxic. I forgot to mention, when I was leaving, the SS came out with a smirk, which is another reason I was pissed. I do need to grieve this marriage & move on. I have several more months on this lease. I'm going to enjoy them so I don't forfeit thousands and get myself back on track.
Are you sure she's just
Are you sure she's just "going on a vacation" this sound a lot more like an escape trip. Like she left with the kids to get her situated else where. I could be wrong but that's how it feels to me.
I would keep the counseling appt. for yourself and while you have the time start looking for an attorney as well as a new place to live, unless this is your home that you own and DW is not in the title.
Sounds to me like your
Sounds to me like your marriage is over. I'm sorry.
People in healthy relationships don't make trips like this with their partners learning of them minutes before leaving.
Get a lawyer ASAP. Please consider counseling. You should learn why you were willing to tolerate this abusive behavior for so long.
OP, this is hard to accept
OP, this is hard to accept but she never wanted a life Partner, she was only after someone to help pay for her kids for the rest of their lives. You have your whole life before you...
You're right as this is hard
You're right as this is hard but I need to start protecting myself. She keeps showing her loyalty to herself & kids while they disregard me.
So do what you have to. Your
So do what you have to. Your name is on the lease, you hold the aces. You mentioned that your lease (does it allow so many people to live there?) will soon be up. Start looking for a one-bedroom place for yourself (and your wife if she decides to wise up) but no room for any spongers. Check up on what it takes to do a formal eviction too if the end of your lease is too far off.
Isn't it today that they're due back?