Dealing with exes & Os
For the past 5 years I have been dealing with my blended family issues..
My BF EX and their 2 kids aged 4 & 8 at the time
my Ex and our children aged 3 & 7 at the time
Ive stood by his side through all the Bullshit Court dates ( and there was alot) for my BF to atleast have fortnightly visits with his kids..
The lies and bullshit she would put into court documents just to deface the father of her children. the Stories she would tell my S kids about there father. the crocodile tears his ex put on and then smurked when she got her way in court.
All because he left her and couldn't deal with him not coming back this time..
she was and possibly is still in love with him and obsessed on seeing him be alone Unhappy and close to killing himself.
My S kid ( now 13yrs) is aware that his mother is diagnosed bipolar and doesn't take her prescribed medication like she should. He would often call her a mental BITCH when at our house, which I quickly reacted that he shouldn't talk like that about his mum. His also showed us text messages x 4 that his sent his Now S dad . 1 asking him to come home from work because his mum was going crazy and screaming in the baby's face and throwing things. 2. if he knew where she was because she took off and left him home with her newest infant child. 3. that his scared because his mother was again screaming over a dish that wasn't washed up properly.. 4.. that his mother has left again and no one knows where she is.
I've always been a firm believer even with my 2 biological kids father. never put the other parent down in front or too the kids. in time they will see the lying deceitful abusive person for who they are. true colours always come out..
after 4 loooong years through court.
we finally got a court order In place for my BF to have permanent visiting rights.
it was and still is a WHY THE F##K ARE YOU STILL HERE lesson..
Do I feel that if I wasn't as strong of a person I am . could I have dealt with the ex baggage.. defiantly not
his ex would message atleast every second day abuse both our phones.
telling me that I deserve better and I should bread up with him now..
it was draining on my mental health having to deal with his psycho ex..
My children's father was easy to deal with when it come to sorting the kids out, we went to mediation. sat in front of one another and talked it through.
but in saying that he wasn't an easy person to deal with in general.. his abusive messages / stalking . telling my kids lies about me. in between sorting this shit out.
I found that in my 5 yrs of dealing with exes on either side all they want to do is make themselves look like the good guy by putting the other parent down.. which does my f-ing head in trying to be the smarter parent and just brushing it off.. behind closed doors I was a mess.
skip forward years. and things were going good.
both S kids seems to have free run of the house at there mum's. xbox till 3am. not bed time. the swearing ( I swear .. I'm an adult)
but at our home. we have structured rules. bed at 10pm weekend's. rinse your own dishes after you use them. manners. and no swearing ( we have little kids )
I have great Close Relationships with both of my S Kids aged 8 yrs & 12 yrs now. my S kids would come and visit fortnightly / school holidays . now the past month guaranteed every week on the Thursday before they were due to come my S Kid Now age 12 would message saying his not coming because of me , because he doesn't like the way I talk about his mum. I call her names but only when my BF is not around Now this is the second time his stated that I do that. last time I confronted him and he apologized for lying . but again I'm kinda taken back from what he says. because I've always been a firm believer as i said before of not talking shit about the other parent.
My BF asked me if I had said them things and i was like are you serious.. u know me and u know i dont like talking about her at the best of times let alone telling your son.. that his mother is blah blah...
I felt like in that moment he doubted me...
My questions are .
Will my BF resent me because his kid doesn't want to come to our home...
is his son trying to make him choose between us.
is it teenage hormones and anger issues coming into play..
do i just let them win and say F it. I'm out
or is it the kaos of his mother's house hold compared to our normal home with rules. that he resents??
help. I need adivice on how to deal
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Comments
All skids will play the”you must choose me over her
and your newer family card”
put their parents through hoops to prove or telling them to divorce their wife and remarry bio mum again.
very rarely do you have instantly well adjusted skids who accept their parents are split up for good.
any man willing to end a marriage or relationship with you, even if you have kids with the guy is a jerk
confused
I get that he may want us to split / fight.
but why now.. why after 5 yrs of a good blended family dynamic is he starting to lie and make up stuff... ahhh so confused
Sadly
Par for the course.
Answers for questions:
1. Possibly (if he does, flee)
2. Absolutely
3. Most likely but this happens with skids aged 3 to 83
4. Don't look at it as zero sum. If you stick it out to "win," you often lose
5. Yes
So BM likely has borderline
So BM likely has borderline personality disorder, and her alienating the kids has exactly ZERO to do with you. If your SO can't see that it's his ex's doing, then he's an idiot. This was an outcome that all of us could have predicted for you. This type of woman uses kids as weapons and never gives up the fight to control their ex.
But this BM sounds extra crazy, so they will likely be back sooner rather than later.
Don't let him pin this on you.
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you are coming from. One thing that we did earlier this year- and one of the best decisions I have made as a parent and step parent was to get home cameras. We have 4 cameras in our house that have SD cards to record everything. When my SS is here (we long distance parent so we get 3 visits and a total of 6 weeks a year) I pay for cloud storage. The rest of the time I can go back about a week.
We were accused in court of being abusive to my bio children by SS. I refused to even let that be a hint or whisper in the wind. There is no abuse in my home.
My point in all of this for you is that if you have the cameras you can clearly show your DH that his kid is a liar and manipulator. I don't think a spouse should ever have to "prove" themselves but at the same time, I am like game on! Let's review the cameras with the kid- then he can tell daddy dearest that he is a liar, liar-face.
As for the sticking it out part- What is your relationship like when the Skids aren't there? Is it enough to sustain you emotionally and physically? The stress of these crazy ass BM's is enough to break a marriage- believe me, I KNOW! But at the end of the day, even with the stress and financial burden and havoc that woman has created- DH is my best friend. He is still the first person I want to call when I hear a funny joke, or see something beautiful or when I have a hard day or want to cry. He is the person that I am closest to in the world. I can't wait to grow in to this old couple that still plays grabass in the kitchen. He makes my heart happy.
I will stick it out
as hard as it is dealing with his crazy ex and now the kids lies..
I am so I love with this man. we have been friends way before a relationship started.
the relationship is perfect when S kids aren't here. and the same when they are.
we have good chemistry between us , we joke . we laugh . it's just when it comes to any sort of " parenting towards S kids - he sometimes gets defensive..
Just a guess
Just a guess but your SS doesn't want to come over and deal with the house rules. To avoid coming out and telling his dad the truth, he's thrown you under the bus. He's a young teen and has really short term impluse control. This is just like kids blaming their teacher for bad grades.
Answers
in my opinion:
Q: Will my BF resent me because his kid doesn't want to come to our home...
A: He should not resent you because kiddo is blaming you for things you do no do. IF he believes the child over you, then him resenting you is not your biggest problem. You can get cameras to prove that he is telling lies, if you wish to protect yourself from charges being brought.
Q: is his son trying to make him choose between us.
A: Most definitely. I had SD21, at one point tell her father she did not do something that I told him she did in fact do. Then he believed me and chastised her. Her response was "You are going to choose your GF over your own child?" This schtick is as old as the hills.
Q: it teenage hormones and anger issues coming into play..
A: Likely it is teen hormones, mental illness genetics, rebelling against the rules and structure that are in place there - its really the perfect storm.Q:
Q: i just let them win and say F it. I'm out. I have what I call "my yes days", and "my no days". Yes for if I could do it over I would, and I see a future here worth staying for, and No for "eff it Im out". If you have more yes days, then stay. More no days should mean that you leave before your crazy and bitter.
or is it the kaos of his mother's house hold compared to our normal home with rules. that he resents?? See above.