I have a love/ hate relationship with my SD who is now 58, we have a long tortuous history.  During the years her 3 kids were growing up, it was clear that BM was the alpha grandma and I was the gift-donor wife of Daaad.  She responded at appropriate times, like your SD for Mother's Day, she still does.  But i know how she really feels and know she's keeping it civil for Daaad's sake.  That's fine with me.  If you are civil and polite, that's perfectly fine, imo.  That's what I do.

Oddly, her 2 daughters are kind and solicitors of me.  They text and call.  I always treated all the 9 Gks and SGKs alike.

fence riders. riding the fence playing both sides. "I'm not going to defend you & Dad to OSD, but I'm not going to stop listening to OSD & SIL complaints- and I get to be fake nice to you & Dad too."  Whatever YSD.

Yes, she's trying to play you and DH.  It's 'spy vs. spy'.  The really insulting thing is she is underestimating your intelligence.  In my opinion, this is one of those cases where you just have to maintain your boundaries as you have been, thank her for any positive sentiments, then ignore her.  Don't even acknowledge ODS.  Make all conversations with her superficial and short.  Your best revenge is letting her know with just how little space she takes up in your head when you are not around her, that you have a life that has nothing to do with her.

you've shown us that the rot in your DH's family is both old and deep. His younger daughter has vacillated, but always ends up going to the Dark Side. Her foremost loyalty is to the other females in her family, period dot. This is an ingrained pattern, and is never going to change. She may have the occasional pang of guilt or try to reform, but will always heel when her sister or aunt snap their fingers.

I honestly don't know why your DH continues to offer up himself (and you by extension) for the games and abuse. Good for you for making it known you're done. If you were to decide never to see any of those witches again, it would be the greatest gift you could give yourself.

Yeah, civil and distant is best. DH can buy the gifts and do the video calls - you can pop in and say "Hi!" to the SGD and then pop out again. If you don't care anymore, her passive-aggressive stuff will be meaningless.

she gets to appear to be playing "nice" by sending flowers, wishing you Happy Mother's Day etc. She's doing this for her father, to impress him and show him shes "really a good person and she likes you" because she realizes that's what normal, healthy adults do with their father's choice of a wife. It's all for show, and nothing more. Adult SD used to give me the gift with purchase crap (like I didn't realize that's what she was doing?) and once she told DH she wanted to send me a MD card and asked "again" how to spell my last name. No card ever showed up but a background notification sure did. Hmmmm....ok. She also used to send a group text to BOTH of us so DADDY could see she was trying to play nice. It's all a sick game, and you'd do best to steer your emotional boat clear of her and her games. It is a process and it doesn't happen overnight. Getting there is tough but as my aunt used to say, "Getting to f-it is a sob, but once you're there it's all good."

I like it.  Simple, effective, and repeatable.  If she is toxic, blast her. If she is manipulative, ignore her.  If she is fake, that is her choice.

Enjoy the flowers though.  I think a good use for those would be to spread the flower petals all over the bed and then take a pic and send it to her saying..... "Thanks so much. Your dad and I enjoyed them a lot."  

"When SD didn't get much of a reaction out of me, simply oh that would have been nice, then she brings that up again on a call with DH how she had SGD in one of my dresses but that SGD doesn't really like them...so couldn't even pull off the nice act without another dig""

Here's the same type thing my YSD42 has said to me:  " I really like the rice recipe but it doesn't taste anything like Chipotle's rice like you said it would."  Or "you're 'almost' a professional photographer!"  Or "DD (my daughter) is cute but doesn't wear the right clothes for her body shape."  (That one was really hysterical, if you could see my DD and YSD). For years DH only saw the positive but he started to see the snubs.

OP, I recall telling you several times that you and I have the same OSD. Well, we have the same YSD too! Always calculating, always thinking about how to look really nice to her dad so he can never point the finger at her. After years of this DH admitted that OSD was more blatant in her disrespectful treatment, but YSD was crafty enough to fly under the radar and think no one noticed.

For years I thought I would have a better relationship with YSD than OSD, until I realized she always had a motive. She wants to visit her dad only to dig around and find out what she will get when we are gone. Is good it scheming to find out information that she and OSD want to know. She wants the info but truly loves the game of obtaining info, rather than just asking a question.  DH never recognizes how she sets him up.  She won't spend any of her money to fly here; only comes when she has a work trip in the area.  She comes here to play games and get info and that is it.

These things used to make me upset because DH didn't recognize what was going on and would get defensive.  I can't say he recognizes their game playing now, but I say nothing, and sometimes I have to go to the next room when he is on the phone with them  because I am laughing so hard.  Those girls have lost all their power over me, DH and our marriage.

Keep being polite and civil to YSD as you would someone you hardly know. Never initiate contact unless it's happy birthday. Don't invest any emotional energy in her and SGD, and she will know you are on to her.  My SD's know they can't complain about me to DH now, so they spend a lot of time propping themselves up on Facebook with their charitable actions, and sending Daddy texts about how wonderful they are. 

I am also laughing because YSD and OSD are posting pics on Facebook from a vacation we had several years ago, talking about how much fun it was. They were both commenting on how much they want to go to a pool and a beach, especially because they are closed where they live.

Guess who lives at the beach with a pool? Me. Guess who is NOT coming to visit? THEM. DH and I don't discuss them; he seldom visits them because they have made him uncomfortable, and comfort is a man's first priority.

It's kind of funny when in the end, they realize the games are over and they lost.  These "adults" could have respected their father's wish to remarry, treated his new wife with respect as a person and as his wife, but no. I can almost feel the vacuum from a distance with them not knowing what manipulations to pull now because I simply won't play the game.

Disengagement has been a long process, but I think I am finally there thanks to this site and some of the really helpful people here.

" Keep being polite & civil", "Never initiate contact unless its a birthday". "Don't invest any emotionsl energy". That's exactly what I do.  I would add, Don't ask any questions, Don't discuss any of the other kids, never volunteer any personal information.

Sad that we all have to live like this but that's how it is