Accused of Narcissistic Abuse
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So I'm the SM, but the BD of my SS7 is being defamed online and in court by the BM. She is claiming years of Narcissistic abuse and harrasment. After some research this seems to be a deflective strategy a lot of controlling women take after divorce to turn their ex into the villian. Has anyone else had to deal with this? How do you co parent with someone who claims you don't care about your kid and all your decisions are based around selfishness?
You don't co-parent with them
You don't co-parent with them. You do everything you can to not be alienated from your child, but expect that you probably will be anyway.
^^^THIS^^^
Because you cannot win with such a person, you switch to parallel parenting. Separate rules, houses, and no discussion of the other parent around the child. During court appearances cultivate a sober and dignified demeanor, and your SO should be calm, low key, and factual.
Be the steady, calm, stable safe place for the child.
Yes, we had to deal with it
Yes, we had to deal with it for a decade. NPD BM (she ticks ALL the boxes for narcissistic personality disorder) firstly accused DH of abuse of his kids, and told him she had informed social services. As I worked in that kind of field at the time I advised him to phone them and find out what the accusations were. When he did, they had never heard of NPD or her kids.
She then spent the next 10 yrs accusing him of all sorts of mistreatment of his children, and encouraged them to think bad of him, and even worse of me. None of it was true in the slightest. Our tactic was as Exjuliemccoy said, ie to be the steady, stable place. This has paid off, (although it took years for the SDs to see it) especially lately as NPD's life is descending into total chaos, while the SDs who are now both in their 20s, are beginning to see what a total loser she is, and always was, and how measured and sane DH's life is with me, in comparison.
Have the court
Order psych testing for you and her. Might reveal that SHE is the narcissist...maybe an unfit mother. You can't coparent with a narc