Brother wacko and learning to disengage from him
My brother and sil host TG for sil's family in their small house. Over the years, my dh and I have gone there. But it's really cramped, the sil's family aren't very friendly to us, it's loud with lots of kids from 8 to 1 mo. Fast forward to now, we haven't eaten there in a few years. I will go by myself for dessert cuz my dh doesn't care for bro., either. Long story about that some other time.
Here's what happened this week. I called my bro the other day to coordinate the times of our dinners so Mom could go to both houses. We are hosting 2 sd and their families of 4. One family lives in our town, the other lives a full days drive away. They are going to stay in a motel this time.
Anyway, He flipped out on the phone, told me I was controlling my Mom and restricting her visit to his house. She's 89 and just recently told me she doesn't want to drive much anymore. I offered to drive her over to his house, and he could take her home. I had to stop him on the phone call three times for him to listen to me that I was trying to work things out NOT control. Anyway, I feel very proud of myself cuz I have finally figured out how to detach and disengage from bro who is a bully and paranoid (middle child) that everyone is out to get him. I really don't care if my Mom comes to my house for TG. She can see skids and grskid on Wed. or Fri. I don't get the big deal about having to get together on the actual day. Plus, my Mom usually says things in front of skids that is embarrassing or humiliating to me. Then, she laughs about it and says to everyone, "Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Now, Phoebe is upset with me." She's 89 and knows full well how to hurt my feelings. Honestly, I would prefer that Mom go to bro's house. After the phone call, I told her she really needed to go to his house, not mine. In the past, I have tried to have the dinner earlier so she could see his family, too. After his rant, I'm planning to do my dinner when I want to and the heck with him.
Learning to disengage from toxic people has been a slow process for me. I have been trying to do that with my bro for years. I think I've finally turned a corner here. *yahoo*
I'm trying to learn how to
I'm trying to learn how to disengage from family dynamics as well. It's hard to do, the reactions are so ingrained. I wouldn't say my family is toxic, but there are some painful dynamics that have been going on since I was a small child (mainly being left out by my siblings, who are much older) and I'm trying to learn to react differently. Since my father died two years ago, it all got worse.
No one can push your buttons like parents/siblings.
Interesting that you
Interesting that you attribute your brother being a bully to his middle child status. I spent a decade or more as an adult playing the "mediator" between my younger and older brothers and the rest of my dysfunctional family. It was very liberating to drop the rope and go no contact with my toxic older brother. Enjoy your stress free holiday without the jerk!
Make sure your mom has an estate plan...
Since your brother is paranoid about something as mundane as thanksgiving imagine how horrific he will be to deal with when your mom passes away. Make sure she has an iron clad trust and estate plan. Sorry to be off topic. that popped into my head when I was reading your post
Yes,
I can see that birth order really doesn't have much to do with it. It's just one way to rationalize his behavior. So, maybe I'll let that excuse die.
Lizzylemon, yes, Mom was in the hospital back in March while she and I were on a train trip. She fell and broke 4 ribs and spent one week in the hospital. I kept both of my brothers and their kids informed about what was happening. My middle bro at first reacted in a very supportive manner. Then, he got bent out of shape when I asked my husband to email me her health directive. She was refusing to sign hospital papers, so I wanted them so I could take care of it. That really set him off. He thought I was trying to get her financial directive. I'm relieved that all her finacial papers are in order. At least my older brother is in support of what I do for her. That incident in the hospital was the straw that broke the camel's back. Since then, I have really been working on detaching from him and it seems to be taking hold.