Christmas holiday issues
Okay, so I have an 11 year old daughter. My stepdaughter is 8. We have one son together who is 3. This year will be the first Christmas-holiday we have stepdaughter where my son is aware.
My daughter and I did not celebrate Christmas, but Winter Solstice. We are not Christian. We did not do Santa.
We went ahead and did it with stepdaughter, and with Santa... but my son this year will be aware for the first time that we've had her what is going on and picking up about the world. We do not want to do Santa or Christianity or Christmas with him. We want to follow our own family traditions, that my husband also believes. We don't want our family experiences and choices to be decided and controlled by his ex wife's unilateral decisions.
There's no dividing by the day as we live in different states.
How do you handle this?
Also, how do you handle gifts?
We have less money than her mother does. (We have a family income of 50k and send 1k a month in child support for two children and two adults living here. Her mom has an income of 65k and gets the child support on top for the two of them living together in a cheaper COL city. This is not meant to be disparaging but just to paint a picture)
She gets a full Christmas with her mom as well with a lot of gifts either before going up or after going home.
My daughter gets about $20-40 in gifts from her dad, which is way less than her stepsister on that side that lives with them to begin with. My son gets gifts from us only, of course.
Last Christmas we evened out what we spent but it ended up seeming very unfair as stepdaugher talked about everything she ended up getting on top of what we gave and it was very obvious to my daughter who ended up with very little. (And with very little for for birthday, because of what we could afford, when sd's mom spent almost a grand on a birthday party and gifts) They just end up with less total, even though I never get gifts for myself or anything... I invest it all to the kids.
Is it inappropriate to do a separate holiday with my biological kids before she comes up and spend more on them? It just didn't seem fair when we evened out the amount being spent because the experiences of my biological kids ended up as less than their shared stepsister or my daughter's stepsister.
I don't want stepdaughter to feel less, but neither do I want my bio-kids to feel less valued especially since they actually appreciate every gift they get where stepdaughter tends to insult and not use anything no matter what we try. (I don't blame her because she learns it from her mom and has hard emotional things to go through from what her mom tells her about how awful I am constantly, too much for any little girl to be able to process without acting out, but it does make knowing my bio-children are going without so she can have that harder)
Thanks for your help
Why not do your own
Why not do your own celebration and then when SD comes to see you, have the kids make her something and you can give her a few small gifts then. Its good to teach her that there are other ways of celebrating not pertaining to money and gifts.
Before we got custody of Spawn she would show up strictly for a present grab, would open the gifts then would want to go home. It would take her months to actually open any of the items we got her, so I started spending between 50-60 on her and mostly for useful items at our house. Once she moved in then things changed.
I think that as long as you
I think that as long as you two are fair with all of your combined kids, you can't really control for what happens in the older two's other homes. Those are issues that your two will have to come to terms with.
I agree with PPs, but a lot of stuff going on
Did DH agree to raise his oldest child as Christian, and is now changing. Children can see that as their dad choosing your religion over them. Of course, he has every right to choose, but I would not discount this.
I dont undertand why you guys are paying $1K for child support. Is that $500 for each (or some other split)? Not certain why you are saying for two children and two adults living "here"? Do the kids live with you full time, and yet still paying CS, seems strange to me.
Of course, it is fine to keep Christmas modest.
No, his ex wife converted to
No, his ex wife converted to Christianity and decided on all this other than their original decision post divorce. He has never been Christian, and nor have we.
1k is the agreement. That preexisted me. It's $1000/month for the one eight year old. They agreed out of court.
DH volunteered to pay $1K/mo
DH volunteered to pay $1K/mo in CS on an income of $50K or less? Stupid move.
His CS for a single child on that income level with BM making $65K/yr would likely be much less than $1K/mo under court CS guidelines.
Go to your state's online CS calculator, run the calculations using DH's income, BM's income and the parenting time allocations to get a fairly accurate idea of what the State would order for CS. If it is notably lower than $1K/mo DH may be well served to file for a CS review though his stupid agreement to pay $iK/mo may doom him until the Skid ages out from under the CO. It is worth a try.
Your home your traditions as
Your home your traditions as you see fit.
Lets say you were Jewish and sd was Catholic. Don't you think it's 'kind' to have all Jewish traditions and a Christmas tree in your home? When you were dating dh--what did you both decide before you took your vows? OR is this a new decision you both made after you got married?
Its not that complicated if you have a nice gathering for the skids prior to Christmas...Your bio 3 year old will have to learn to see this time of year thru several different eyes in a few years. It is not a big deal. HAVE a great time and enjoy yourselves, ok?
Doing a multi family balance
Doing a multi family balance sheet for the holidays is not healthy or logical IMHO. It borders on the rediculous and gives the blended family opposition a bigger presence in your family than they should have. Which is zero btw. What all of the kids get from their other families does not matter so quit being distracted by what SD and your non joint daughter get during the holidays from their other families. My SS's SpermGrandHag spent a lot of time driving guilt towards my SS over the fact that his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mama did not have the life and gifts that my SS received for the Holidays. Which was interesting since the SpermClan does not celebrate Christmas. Pointing that out to SpermGrandHag just got her more wrapped around the axle. But... the SpermClan nor the half sibs of my SS were not and never have been our concern. What occurs in your SD's and your non joint daughters other homes does not matter so don't let it distract from your family traditions.
Focus on your family holiday celebration. If you want to do a non skid holiday before SD shows up.. that is your choice. But I have a question. Is your non joint daughter going to be there for the celebration? If so, that is just wrong. You cannot include your daughter and not include your DH's daughter. To do so is immature, mean and extremely disrespectful to your DH IMHO.
As for Christmas Vs the solstice.... celebrate your family holiday as a family holiday and leave the classification of the holiday out of it. You balk at having to celebrate the holiday in compliance with BM's dicatates, the same applies to your family forcing SD to celebrate the dictates of your perspective. An 8yo, an 11yo and for sure a 3yo don't have a clue if they are Christian, Pagan, etc, etc..... They are too young to have a clue. So rather than a religious celebration I recommend that you and DH make it a family celebration and let the kids figure out their beliefs as they grow into adulthood.
IMHO of course.
No, I was asking about doing
No, I was asking about doing another celebration before she comes up, much like the other one she is having... perhaps even with my ex husband as we all get along, so that it doesn't seem so unequal but she doesn't feel like she's being othered or having less for a moment. I would never do a celebration in front of my stepdaughter and not include her.
I do not want to state some things as fact (ie, Santa) to my three year old that I do not agree with teaching, as well as the religious aspect.
My 11 year old feels very strongly about her beliefs. She's profoundly gifted by testing, so I wouldn't assume what she can know or understand. :)
Santa as a fact?
Interesting concept.
Santa is a kid focused character and of course a derivative of St. Nicholas. Though the modern iteration of Santa has zero relation to religion. Christmas trees are a hold over from pre-Christian pagan practices. You can engage in celebration without either adopting BM's beliefs (and SD's) or forcing your beliefs on SD. SD's beliefs though they come from BM, are no less valid than the beliefs you are transposing onto your 11yo.
Balancing blended family activities is challenging when there are yours, mine and ours kids. Trying to mitigate the religious beliefs of the blended family opposition while expounding on your beliefs is even more challenging.
I am not sure how this ultimately works out. You and your family are in a tough position with both the financial balance (that I would not worry about balancing the out of your home experiences of any of the kids if I were you), the beliefs that SD inherits from BM that you do not agree with, and the beliefs that you have that SD may not agree with and BM certainly does not agree with.
First off....your DH needs to
First off....your DH needs to go back to court and have that CS modified!!!
If it's any help.....I am NOT christian or religous in any way but I still celebrate the entire season. We call it Christmas but it has no meaning to me other then beautfiful decorations, lots of shopping and gifts and Santa....and time with family...and parties...etc. My step kids are very christian, my bio dd's are NOT, and mine and DH's shared child will hopefully not be christian if I get my way......we all still celebrate all that is "Christmas" minus the Christ part if I have a say in it. LOL.
I guess what I am saying is just have fun and plan and celebrate the Holidays......without having to label them. It works for me!