Giving full custody to crazy BM
Hi friends! First off I have to give thumbs up to this site because it really helps me to know that I am not alone in any of this! Right now we have shared parenting with BM and she is really a piece of work, I mean seriously it is no wonder this woman is still single! We just got finished with a horrible custody battle that did not end in our favor. UGH!! Anyways, DH and I have been married for 2 years and have been together for 5. She has met me once and it was when it was court ordered because she was always afraid of me and she is psychotic! They are only allowed to communicate via OFW, I am sure some of you have heard of it, but it is a court ordered communication app that the parents use for communication and the courts are able to access it any time. It is a complete joke and it costs $127 a year! The court never pays attention to it, because she has threatened me, our daughter, slandered me (I work for a hospital in medical records and she is claiming that I forged her daughter's medical records), called me and DH and even my daughter who is 10 disgusting names on it, etc. She is a real winner. DH called the daycare for their daughter to pay for his week (they each pay every other week) and it for the 4th time they harass him for her payments. She has not paid since school started!! And she is on vouchers so she only pays $11/week! Then we got billed for a medical bill from July that she hasn't paid and ended up having to pay that in full or they were going to send us to collections! DH and BM have to split all medical bills 50/50 and she never pays, we always do. SD is failing all of her classes, she is 11 and she is reading at a kindergarten level so she was tested for disabilities and she has none and told the doctor that BM doesn't make her do homework or anything and her failing grades are from missing assignments, failing tests that she didn't study for, etc. She is seen by her doctor because of uncleanliness and multiple urinary tract infections, I mean it is just UNBELIEVABLE!! We just got finished in an ugly custody battle with proof and evidence of all of these things and the court still ruled in BM's favor!! BM texts, calls, messages DH all the time and it is just to yell at him, tell him nasty things, threaten me, him, my daughter all the time and it is in the middle of the night, during work, all the time! More than I text him and he is done with it. Tonight she owed us money for that medical bill which was $82. We both have decent jobs and a decent house so we were not concerned about the money it was more the principle of the matter that she needs to pay for her daugher. So she pulled up in our driveway with her mother who gave her the money because her mother pays for everything for BM. They both got out of the car and threw the money at DH in front of SD and it was 82 singles and 15 cents all over our front yard, it was kind of windy so it went everywhere and stood there in our driveway watching DH pick it all up. She has corrupted SD so bad that when she comes here she spies on everyone and reports it back to BM and then BM harasses us about what we do in our home. She lies, she steals, it is an absolute nightmare! And what is sad is before all of this DH and SD were so close and so was I with her. It makes me so sad.
We are trying to get pregnant and if we do we will not have a room for SD anymore. She only comes 4 days a month anyways and she just lays all over the couch taking over the tv or on her tablet and lies about everyone because her BM told her too and she can't be trusted. We seriously feel like prisoners in our own home! But I know DH loves his daughter and would not want to ever not see her. Would it be ok if we did get pregnant for her not to have a designated room anymore? It is only 4 days a month and DH said we could put her on an air mattress in the living room or something.
DH just emailed his attorney to draw up the papers to give BM full custody. His attorney said she doesn't recommend it but if he gives up full custody then he would just get visitation and that would pretty much be it. DH thinks this is the way to go because it will get rid of BM in a sense because they don't have to discuss anything anymore and she would have no reason to have to contact him. But would he still get visitation and would he still have to pay everything he is paying for? Because BM is on medicaid and only works temp jobs on/off and her mom pays her bills as well as our child support and her other child's father, so she has it made! She makes over $1500/ month from just child support from both her kids fathers! We pay for half of daycare which we should and half the medical but we usually end up paying completely for it because medicaid doesn't cover anything. So does anyone know what full custody to BM looks like and maybe give me some ideas of what it might look like for us compared to shared parenting?????? My DD I have full custody of and her BF is not in her life and we prefer it that way so I have never dealt with anything like this.
Thanks posters!!!!
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Comments
I must be missing something.
I must be missing something. I don't understand what you believe would change. You pretty much have just visitation now with only four days a month. He'd still have the responsibility to pay for what he pays for now. What would change that you think it would be better?
As for the sleeping situation, couldn't the children share a room (for now) for four days a month? Or could the baby sleep in your room for a few months? Room arrangements sometimes do have to change when a new sibling arrives, but taking away her room completely and making her sleep in the living room will make her resentful of the new arrival. In addition, if you make her sleep in the living room, that means it is off limits to you after her bedtime. The bottom line may be that you need a place with more room.
I agree but
I agree but every time he calls BM out on SD grades or attendance or her health issues or basically anything it escalates into harassment and there is no good communication and because we are the health insurance providers they automatically bill us for everything and she never pays and it is against us. Same with her daycare, they keep harassing us for her payments. I am all about DH paying for SD being a previous single mom completely on my own he should pay for SD. But it's more since they wouldnt have an equal say so in her school issues and other issues and that way it would hopefully be as little communication as possible. Last year BM didn't take SD to school for 57 days and because the way the shared parenting agreement was set up DH got yelled at by the judge just as much as BM because he should have tried to help BM by going to her house in the morning anf getting SD ready for school during her days while BM slept in or whatever she was doing and they live 20 miles apart! Makes no sense!! I am more just wondering if DH would have to communicate with her about anything anymore besides visitation because he wouldn't have a say and all responsibility as far as school and health problems from uncleanliness would be solely on BM. And as far as a bigger house, yes that is definitely a must in the near future as soon as we are done paying down our custody debt.
DH did this - there was no
DH did this - there was no point in trying to "co-parent" with BM, she acted like she had sole custody anyway, so he gave it to her and stopped expecting her to discuss any decisions with him. He did still try to participate in SS's school, though she generally poisoned teachers against him and they did not listen to what he had to say. Therapists as well.
My SS stopped coming over at 15 and yours will, too, at some point - as soon as BM thinks she can get away with it and not get in trouble, so likely around 12.
She will still harass him if he does this, but he can just ignore her if it's her sole responsibility to care for SD - and he can not take his visitation as well. Sometimes you do need to know when to drop the rope.
This sounds exactly like
This sounds exactly like our situation! I guess you answered my question! With shared parenting they have to talk to each other and she finds every reason to talk to yell at him or harass and threaten. It is daily. Literally. So if he gave over full custody which she basically has anyways because she does whatever she wants and the courts don't bat an eye he would not have to communicate with her about anything besides pick up and drop off?? However I'm sure she will harass about that because she might have to get off her couch to go pick her up.
Don’t for a minute think that giving up custody means bio mum
Will back off, she will intensify her behaviour and amp it up.
my husband has been divorced almost 12 yrs now, has not contacted seen or communicated with her. She always uses their kids to manipulate and guilt daddy. She thought she could kidnap the 2 daughters now almost 24 and 15 and that hubby would be a permanent atm and bow to her every whim.
his daughter’s actually demanded it and guilted hubby for marrying me and having 2 kids with me when bio mum married the moment divorce certificate was issued and approved and claimed she was so distraught by the divorce and hubby divorcing her.
i don’t manipulate hubby the way his kids do... even now ex wife has had a fake born again jesus moment that she’s changed but we suspect the money she knicked off from hubby and refused to spend on her kid is drying up so she is shitting herself that she knows full well she effed up her 3 kids, they are failure to launch and now she’s made this 14 yr old the centre of the universe like she costs way more to maintain that me and our 2 toddlers...
set boundaries and enforce them.
that moment she threw the single dollar notes and coins, i would have told her and her mum to fetch it like dogs and walked off. They can prove they gave that money to you which they can’t and i doubt any judge should be proud and acceptable of her behaviour... you need to pay your share, pay the company or hand that money physically to ex-hubby.
Her mum came along for the shitshow too...
Also, OP, he should stop
Also, OP, he should stop paying her part of daycare. She's the one who will have to deal with where the kid goes after school. He can just tell the daycare to call the mother and hang up.
Giving her full custody, is
Giving her full custody, is probably a big mistake. BM is not going to let you have peace any more than she is now. She will probably ask for and be awarded more money as well.
As for the bedroom, yes you are wrong to have her just sleep on the couch or a blow up. Get bunk beds and SD can share a room for those 4 days with another child that is in your house full time. I am honestly pretty disgusted for you to say you are going to have another child and don't have room for the one your husband already has. She isn't a piece of furniture that you can just get a new one and toss the old. She is his child.
Don't give up something that
Don't give up something that may be needed in the future UNLESS the kid is old enough to more or less make their own decisions and can accept the consequences of those decisions - so high school aged.
All bevause you are the insurance provider DOES NOT mean you are responsible for the remaining bill to the health care provider. If DH did not sign off on the care, he isn't reaponsible for the bill from the doctor. He may owe BM money for half the bill, but he doesn't owe the doctor directly. If he does, and he didn't sign off on the care, someone is committing fraud.
Same with the daycare, unless BM and DH are on the same contract. If they are, I highly suggest DH either find a different day care OR he talk to the director about how he is reaponsible for his time, and if they don't like that arrangement and won't make appropriate accommodations, find care elsewhere for his weeks.
There may come a point where your DH needs to say "I don't agree with this and won't pay for half", and if he gives up custody, he doesn't get to have a say. At least if he tells BM NO, she'd have to take HIM back to court to recoup the costs.
That's not true at my place
That's not true at my place of employment. If he's the guarantor, the bill is going to him and then to collections if he doesn't pay. Doctor's offices can't be chasing other people around to get paid, they have one person listed as guarantor.
If he is NCP, why is he
If he is NCP, why is he guarantor then? That, to me, makes no sense, and would be the thing I would change.
Because he holds the
Because he holds the insurance.
But it's not money owed to
But it's not money owed to the insurance company. It's owed to the health care facility. I'm not trying to be obtuse. It just doesn't make sense that the person who provides the insurance is the one responsible for the bill and not the person seeking and signing off on the care.
You are NOT responsible just
You are NOT responsible just because they use your insurance.... My SD's were on my insurance plan.. their mother, who took them to the appts... had to sign the payment responsible party form.
She tried to put down my DH.. but he wasn't there.. and when the office figured out that she forged his name.. they removed his bad credit record and began billng his EX.
In my experience the parent
In my experience the parent that takes the child to the doctor and signs the responsibility form is the one that is responsible.. that may or may not be the person that has insurance coverage.
My DH;'s EX put his name down on the form.. so when we found it was in collections and on his credit report.. we called the dr office and the ended up changing it to the BM since she is the one that was bringing the kids in.
She cannot put his name down on the form.. it requires a signature of the resonsible party.. if he isn't there.. he can't have signed it.
If he did sign it.. then that is why he gets the letters.
In our case.. she had HER address and just threw out all the bills.. so we didn't evenknow they existed
Same with mine
Same with mine! The bill comes to us and if it is not paid they send us to collections they don't care about who pays what they just want their money. And we already don't get a say so about her doctor's appointments. If she goes we automatically have to pay half. The daycare we have a choice but she is 11 almost 12 so she will only be in daycare for this year and that's it.
Day Care Vouchers Topic..I
Day Care Vouchers Topic..I would call Social Services on this one. SINCE the Day Care has agreed to accept state vouchers they have accepted the terms and amount. It appears to me the day care is double dipping. They are already being paid by the state, and MOM is paying 11 bucks and they want you to pay Full Fair?. Look into that op....something doesnt add up. The State is already paying the day care.
What seems to be the problems is your dh thinks he must engage with bm. He doesnt. IF a bill goes to collections...let it. Pay 1/2 and let them deal with BM for the other half. LET IT GO TO COLLECTIONS. Send a copy of your court order to the doctors office that shows YOU pay 1/2 mom pays the other.
Post sign that reads PRIVATE PROPERTY...if she comes on it again call the cops.
What do you think will change if dad tells the court she can have the kids full time? He is still having visitation right?
Your DH only has SD for 4
Your DH only has SD for 4 days a month. That means BM already has custody. If DH gives her Full Legal, the only thing that would change is BM could do whatever she wants with SD with no input from DH. On this and other similar boards, we've seen BMs do all kinds of crazy medical stuff. Like braces three times, or we have a member here who had the kid diagnosed with some weird disorder, etc. You don't want that to happen.
Regarding the doctor bills, DH needs to have his name removed as Guarantor. Then he can pay his half and BM's half can go into collections. Same thing with the daycare.
Regarding BM's riduculous harassment, that won't stop if custody changes. DH needs to go Grey Rock on her. He can block all calls and texts, and ignore all emails. On OFW, he should ignore 99% of her spew. Send her a Certified letter saying she is only allowed on your property for scheduled pickups/dropoffs, and she must stay in her car. CC the local PD on the letter, then call them for trespass if she violates the terms. You can find samples of Trespass Warning Letters online.
Order a copy of Say Goodbye to Crazy.
If you need details on how to block her calls/texts, let me know.
This is what I needed to know
This is what I needed to know. I have a couple questions for you, if I find one of these trespass sample warning letters, do we have to present it to the police so that they can sign it and know what is going on? I just want to make sure we have grounds to get her off the property and to order her to stay in her car because she won't obey unless police are involved. Thanks so much for this post sounds like you went through something similar!
500 Main StreetAnytown, USA
https://www.mysecuritysign.com/blog/letter-notice-no-trespass/
Please consult your lawyer on the exact wording.
ETA: Also, you should stay inside the house when BM comes for exhanges. DH needs to set boundaries regardless of the custody arrangement, or she will never stop.
LOL!!!
Thank you I will have our lawyer write up a different one but I might keep this one for a good laugh "BioHo HoBag"! LOL!!