It's interesting that the stepmoms who actually love their skids seem to get told by others that the skids are not theirs, but stepmoms who dont treat the skids like their own get guilt tripped for that. I think people just like to judge.

I think when the partners are the ones saying it it's usually because they want their happy nuclear family, but that's just not how it is with blended families usually. 

You could never be there “ mom” as long as BM is activity parenting her kids.  You having no say in anything does not help the bonding experience.

  I am sure your Ex wanted that “Happy Family “ You know the ones you see on TV and the movies.  The Happy Family He did not have with his ex.  It’s like his life is a movie,  someone calls cut, you replace the ex.  Then action is called. 

What people always fail to understand is his one shot at Happy Family was with his ex. Once they decide to divorce, putting themselves before the kids. Happy Family picture is over.  

As there no Happy steptalk board.  Please prove me wrong here  

I am with you here - I have the same exact feelings about my step kids and all the posters here are correct, even though I know it's hard to hear statements like "you'll never be their mom." 

We are reminded way too often that we are not by society, movies (here's looking at you, Disney and your view of step mothers), the other bio parent, the step kids themselves, our own hearts and feelings, and, by the way- the law! 

It's so frustrating to not have any say in my step children and their schedule when it affects my life so much- it's like I just have to roll with whatever bio mom and dad and my step kids decide is best for all of them (I can't stand their sports schedule- it has basically made me a single mom because Dad is never home). 

Having a very active bio mom is also a good thing for the children themselves- but it can also really hurt your relationship with the children, too.  My children's bio mom doesn't necessarily hate me, but doesn't really like me either, and the children know that fully.  (Not for any particular reason- no I wasn't a homewrecker- I just don't think everyone naturally likes each other in highly sensitive situations where kids/new partners are involved).  I think that skews their view of me a little; my step daughter and bio mom also dress alike, get their hair/nails done together, etc. etc., and I have a very different personality from SD, so we don't have a lot in common.  I can see where it would be hard to feel close to your children in a motherly role if their mother is already so involved. 

Dad says the same thing - like I am not their "step mom," but he also knows I'm not their "mom."  Confusing!  He is perfectly fine with not including me in things like scheduling sports and activities for the kids, not letting me know about school meetings, sending me pics of events that I cannot attend because I am busy raising our two babies, etc. BUT I am also expected to pay for, care for, and otherwise include my step kids in everything. 

My advice is to keep standing your ground that, yes, you are filling a step mother role.  Ask him to ask his children who you are- I guarantee what they will say is "step mom," not "mom."  You shouldn't have to obligate or dedicate yourself to them if you don't want to, or if you don't feel that connection.  I have been in my SKs lives for 9-ish years now, and still don't love them.  Probably never will, because it just didn't flourish for us like it does for others.  That's OK!  If that is your situation too- that's just fine as well!  Don't let pressure from your partner, from society, or from anyone else dictate your feelings or happiness. 

Fulfill the role you are happy filling, which I am assuming is more of a supporter than a nurturer.  Just do whats right for YOU. 

Once I admitted to a friend of mine, who've I had been friends with for over 5 years, that I didn't think of SSthen2 as my own and she was horrified. She said the classics "you're pretty much raising him," "you do all the MOM things with him" "youre a better mom to him than his own mom" blah blah blah...then this friend became friends with BM and I distanced myself from her to keep drama from circulating. Guess who now supports BM with her claims that I "overstep" and like to pretend SS is mine on the days she doesnt want to pretend I am the evil stepmom doing evil towards her baby....

I'd like to say that the only people that will understand are the ones walking in shoes similar to mine but even the other stepmom that has to deal with the same exact bm I have to deal with is having a different experience that I am so no one will ever really know what its like. 

I think it's totally normal to NOT feel like the mom of the stepkids.  I love my DH's kids, they're with us half the time, I have the authority to make some parenting decisions, and I still don't feel like their mom.  Fortunately no one pushes me to feel or act like their mom, because that's never going to happen.  BM is actively involved in their lives; they don't NEED another mother.  

You need to have your own relationship with them, not the relationship your husband wants.  The expectations bio parents and society have are often ridiculous - you're supposed to feel and act like a mom, but you're not supposed to usurp any of BM's glory or *really* act like mom.

People have this idea that a step mom is a bad thing so they assume that feeling like a step mom rather than a mom is bad, when in reality it is just a fact and the truth. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling like a step mom because you are a step mom. You do not feel like their mom because you are not their mom. The two words may both contain the letters m-o-m but they have different meanings and describe different relationships. Neither is a bad word, they are just different.

said it but didn't mean it. That is the issue Not including you in basic parenting things like schedules contradicts his words and was just a bunch f feel good lip service. 

DH and I (and our exes) had a different arrangement (the kids are adults now). All of us were parental figures and included in schedules and decision making. Ultimately the biological parents had final say if there was a disagreement but in the end, we all felt like capable adults could make reasonable decisions. So there was no lip service. It wasn't all rainbows and glitter but it worked. 

i would simply say:

”no kid(s) of mine will ever be allowed to be disrespectful, rude and shun others and since skids are allowed and encouraged to do this by both their parents, they are not my kids”

hubby accepted I don’t love his kids or want to be around them, they aren’t pleasant or respectful so he can’t judge or blame me

I'm glad he's your ex. He had some seriously skewed expectations.

I hope that your mother has told you OR your close close friends who are mothers told you otherwise.

Your boyfriend is wrong. Your intellect already knows this..........

If you want to see this in action...ask your boyfriend IF he feels like a FATHER to the neighbors kids, IF not, WHY not.

Does he feel like a father to his co-workers kids/ IF not, WHY not.

Fact is the biology is not there. 

HE can not feeeeeeel like a bio dad does, and YOU can not feeeeel like a bio mom.

I am not saying one can not love someone else...

Your not legally or morally required to love anyone.