O/T, but how do you deal with female friends of your SO?

My SO, as most of you know is a little older than me, 15 years to be exact. I already know that because of the age difference, we will have a certain dynamic. For example, sometimes, I find myself resenting the fact that he had a past before me; including BM, and certain friends and life experiences. Well, we have been together for 9 years, going on 10 this year, and maybe about 2 years into the relationship, SO told me that he used to have a really close female friend. They used to be so close that they used to sleep in the same bed. He told me that everyone used to think he had something going on with her, but the reality was, that she had something going with his brother, and was sort of always like his brother's OW (I have no idea why SO's brother would even be okay with her sleeping with SO, regardless if she was OW or not). He told me that she used to like to hook him up with her friends, even if he already had a girlfriend. He told me that if I met her, I probably wouldn't have liked her because none of his ex girlfriends ever did, and she used to do things like sit in his lap. I told him that if she was still in his life,and he tolerated that type of behavior, I would have left his ass, because I don't like those types of games. Anyway, I created a FB account for SO, after having one myself for like a year. He was never really interested, but I convinced him that he would get in contact with people he probably hasn't seen for years, so we created one. Well, it turns out that this person finds him and they become friends. When he told me about it, I tried to be happy (but of course, was a little apprehensive, after everything he told me about her). So the first time she contacts him, it's something like this that she posts on his wall on FB:

"WHAT'S UP BIATCH? I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE."

I was a little surprised because I have never heard anyone refer to my SO as "biatch", not even his friends. But I didn't say anything. SO was the one who told me that she left him a msg. The second time she contacts him, she writes something like:

"REMEMBER "M" AND "V"? YOU SHOULD ADD THEM"

SO told me about this post also, and told me that he used to date one of the girls. At that point, I was pissed, and I told him I thought that was disrespectful to our relationship. I mean, after 10+ years, you don't even know this man anymore. Why is your first reaction to try to throw p-ssy at him? I told him that he needed to let her know that he was no longer the same person. He wanted me to write the e-mail from his account to her (which of course, I feel like should not be my responsibility).

After my best friend comments on his page with something like "V, M, SO you better make sure BM27 doesn't see this", I guess his friend deleted the comment.

Anyway, now this is what she sends him (he showed it to me):

Hi SO,
It's been awhile. I love looking at all your pic's, your son looks so much like you. I don't know what's up your ass that you never write to me, but we have a lot of great memories together that can never be erased. We have been there for each other through some HARD times and that's what makes you so dear to me. I find myself saying the same shit we use to say back in the day, "People just don't understand" your my brother.
Well PEACE & LOVE always,
his friend

I do not know how to handle this or why it's even pissing me off so much.
What do ya'll think?

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Well the good news is that

Well the good news is that he isn't answering her.
I feel like people who aren't interested in FB should just leave it alone. Perhaps he wasn't interested for a specific reason.

I think you should email her

I think you should email her the following in response to her message "his friend, I apologize that you think there is something up my ass simply because I have moved on and am a different person than I was "back in the day". You're right we have been there for each other through some hard times and we do have great memories. I cherish that time, but it is a different time and I now cherish my wife. She is my best friend and has also been with me through hard times and will be with me through future hard times and we're building new memories together. A lot has changed in the 10 years since we've last spoken and I no longer wish to have a relationship that I have to explain to other people. It feel it would be disrespectful to my SM27 since she is now the person with whom I wish to share most of my time, good or bad. I realize we had a "different" relationship and at that time in our lives, it was fun and acceptable. I am no longer interested in behaving that way with you. I love my wife and that type of behavior would be disrespectful to her and our relationship.

I got on FB to reconnect with friends and perhaps laugh about old memories, but have no desire to go back in time and re-create history or stroll down memory lane with ex-gfs. I hope that you can be respectful of my wishes. If you cannot, i will have to defriend you."

OR - you could just de-friend her and ignore her and ask him to ignore any contact with her, as well...

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.

lol, or block her and see if

lol, or block her and see if dh notices...most people that arent fb savvy dont know how to find the blocked list, then she wont be able to contact dh's fb page what soever, its as if his page no longer exists to her

I think I want to go with

I think I want to go with addressing her, to let her know, and then if she tries to write something stupid again, we will definitely have to block her dumb ass. What I don't get is that she's married, so how could she be so dense as to not know that her actions are questionable?

i have exs on my fb....they

i have exs on my fb....they added me, and i didnt want to deny it because i was not on bad terms with any of them, and i didnt want to appear that dh or i was insecure as to not add such people. we have not had any issues as over the last year since getting an account. I have had one ex make an in-appropriate comment on the phone once when i called him (dh knew) i was asking about custody things because his ex was a beotch too. hes 15 yrs older, and i have no feelings for him..dh knows that, but when ex made a comment i quickly told him i was a married woman and that was not ok, and i would no longer be contacting him.

i trust that dh would have done the same. in this case it seems that dh is ignoring this trouble maker. it seems he has no interest and added her only to avoid an email she later wrote anyways of this supposed connection.

in my experience, men just dont want the confrontation about things they really dont care about..but we as women want closure and a clear definition of our territory.

seems to me dh is ignoring her and hoping she goes away, which hopefully she will and you dont have to see stupid and extremely immature posts on his fb from a person with no class!!

smnikki, That was the whole

smnikki,

That was the whole agreement between us two: we would add whoever we wanted, and would set up boundaries if anyone tried to test us. I guess he knew that she was coming out a certain way because he kept telling me each and every time she would write something. But wait, at first, he didn't think the last e-mail was inappropriate, and we even had an argument over it (small one), but then he finally saw where I was coming from. However this was his argument: "You should trust me, and not let her bother you. I will deal with it." But then he wants me to send her an e-mail from his account.

The way I see it, he can

The way I see it, he can simply un-friend her. That way, there is no confrontation. Should she send another friend request, he can "ignore" it.

I think the letter SVS suggested would be completely appropriate, as she hasn't taken the clue by him simply ignoring her. It gives her an explanation and lets her know he enjoyed their friendship as she obviously did, but lets her know that he has grown up and moved on and now has a very happy life with a wife he loves dearly.

Really, the most she should have to reply with would be, "Congratulations!" and leave it at that.

Yes, I loved the letter

Yes, I loved the letter also, because it's not rude, it validates that yes, they did have a good friendship, but it also addresses who he is today. I just feel like throughout the whole process of her getting to know him again, she is purposely ignoring his relationship with me; for example, in the folder the pics of his son and him are in, there are also pics of me, but she never mentions that. I just don't feel right about it, and would accept if they stood reconnected, but in a way where I don't feel like she is disrespecting my relationship.

I don't think she'll ever

I don't think she'll ever recognize you because he's allowed her to be disrespectful to past gf and sit on his lap and be the "lady in his life" for so long and she thinks she is justified in behaving like a little tramp because "they were like brothers". I'll be honest. I had a male friend like this for 10+ years right after college. We did EVERYTHING together. He was my best friend and we hung out every single day. His gfs had to get used to my presence (I wasn't a bitch though and was never disrespectful) in some cases. He knew more about me than anyone else. We had sleepovers (I lived out of town from years 8-10), etc.

A part of me loved him (not romantically), but I grew up. I am married now. He and I still email / chat every once in awhile (2-3 times a year). My dh has met him. The difference - neither of us is dwelling on our past relationship. We have new, respectful, adult conversation once in awhile. He respects my marriage and my dh (in fact he was the dj at our wedding).

It sounds like this woman thrives on attention and I suspect she has this "brotherly" relationship with many men because it defines her worth to herself to be the center of their lives. Think about how important a brother is in someone's life. She is craving that importance. Pathetic.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.

Yes, I loved the letter

Thanks all for responding:

Thanks all for responding: svs, love the letter, and I think I may show it to SO if I decide to send it. That was actually what he said. He said that he opened the FB account to get in contact with old friends and that he was glad when they became FB friends, but he was satisfied with just looking at her pics of her and her family, and knowing they were doing okay.

Does anyone watch Modern

Does anyone watch Modern Family? LOL. Last night's episode was about Facebook. It was pretty funny.

Anyway, trust your DH. I don't like this woman either from what you've said about her.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

"Biotch"? How old is this

"Biotch"? How old is this girl?

at least

at least 40....lol...pa-the-tic. i don't like 40 trying to be 17.

at least

at least 40....lol...pa-the-tic. i don't like 40 trying to be 17.

I mean, I've heard girls and

I mean, I've heard girls and women say it in a funny way to each other, but I don't think I've ever heard a 40-something year old woman say it to a man. That's weird...

I have to elaborate on my

I have to elaborate on my initial comment.
FH and I are 13 years apart. He too isn't very computer savvy, especially when it comes to social networking sites. But he would always mention that he wanted to reconnect with his Junior High School buddies. So we found one of them on FB, and I created alittle page for him.
Let me just say that she is a PAIN. And she calls him everyday.
And yes it agitates me. But you know what? I have to trust that he is doing the right thing. Sometimes he answers her call, sometimes he doesn't. They have met up once and I was there the whole meeting. I don't want to jump to conclusions but I keep my eyes open.
I feel like writing a letter might seem like a good idea but it will only work on mature minded people and if she is calling your SO "biatch" she may not be all that mature to handle it. I say just block her.

DH & I are 8 years apart.

DH & I are 8 years apart. We don't have a computer at home, so I get on while I'm at work. I told him when I set up my FB account, and offered to make him one so he could find old friends, etc. He had no interest in it. We go to SIL's house on weekends, & I always get online there and check on my page. I showed it to him and we found his kids on there (but didn't friend them)but he could see their pics, etc.

However, I would never consider friending ex-boyfriends or guys I knew in school, simply for the fact-I haven't spoken to any of them in 17 years....why start now? I figure if they were good friends of mine, I'd have stayed in touch with them by phone, email, letters, etc. They weren't important enough to me to stay in touch with them then. I don't need it now.

If I did have them on FB, that's where it'd stay. There wouldn't be phone# exchanges or meeting ups. I feel like anything they want to share with me...any catching up can be done on my page. There shouldn't be anything that other people can't read.

See, SO and I had a small

See, SO and I had a small argument over the last e-mail. When he read it to me, he didn't think anything of it, he just said, "oh, look at what "friend" wrote". I told him the truth: "SO, I want to be honest with you. I'm trying to be happy for you that you are reconnecting with her, but I also feel a little weird because the first 2 comments she left you were inappropriate and you never said anything to her about it." Then he told me that my feelings were affecting the way he felt, and that she probably only wrote that b/c of what she knew of him in the past. I told him straight up: "When she says that you're like her brother, I don't believe it b/c I would have met her at least once these past 10 yrs, so maybe back then you guys were like that, but it's not like that anymore." He stood shut. I should've also asked him who he thought was she referring to when she said '"people" just don't understand.'

Perhaps more "people" would

Perhaps more "people" would understand if she wasn't all ready the OW to another guy? She clearly doesn't understand boundaries and her comment about something being "up his ass" because he isn't playing her game is perfect proof that she is looking to rekindle her inappropriate behavior and she is trying to guilt him into playing along. Women like her aren't the OW just once in their lives. There are those who thrive on being OW and stealing attention away from a woman a man is supposed to love because it makes them feel powerful and there are those that find themselves in an unfortunate situation for which they feel remorse. She is the FORMER.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.

Exactly, svs, exactly. I

Exactly, svs, exactly. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy.

Nope, IMO you're right as

Nope, IMO you're right as rain.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.

I really wish we did not

I really wish we did not have a computer at home. BF ex f*** buddy used to talk to him non-stop on some messaging deal from myspace (I saw one of the conversations and it talked about how he couldn't understand that she didn't have a BF because who could not want her...she had everything and was great in bed!). Happened when when we first got together. You know I should have walked then that was a really good sign that he was going to disrespect me.

I think in your case...trust your hubby....it is just some "biotch" thinking that she's all that and disrespecting you girl

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O/T, but how do you deal with female friends of your SO?

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