Biological Mum parenting.
Hi,
I'll go straight in. Ive been with my fella 2yrs he has 8yr old and 3yr old i have a son 18yrs old. His children are generally good. I get jealous sometimes as we have them EVERY sunday, monday, and tuesday and every other saturday as well as every fourth friday for 1-1 time. The issue i have is mum. She doesnt speak to me, our parenting styles are completely different so she has a lot of issues behaviourally while we have minimum. This means she calls my man, or he will offer help (for the kids sake(as he says)) during the week. I work in a nursery so am with kids ALL the time and as ive lost half my weekend i dont want them during the week. When we get them i feel annoyed that she cant cope! So i lose time with my man but then she wont accept help. Arrrrgh!!! And to top it off hes still married to her. But she does know we're going to marry.
What should i do? Talk to her woman to woman? (My fella doesnt get it) shut up and put up?
So first, BM is going to have
So first, BM is going to have her parenting style, you're going to have yours. Kids can adapt to that, your SO is going to have to step away and let her figure it out though. That simple. You don't need to talk to her, in fact if anything, the talking needs to lessen between her and your SO.
As for the other part. He's still married, and we don't know the circumstances, long drawn out divorce, mandatory seperation by state law, etc. BUT, he's still legally tied to her, so I'd be VERY careful about that situation. In a messy one like that, that can go very sour, very fast. It adds even more territorial, jealous, and complicated emotion and action. Especially if the BM is already needy. Until a divorce is finalized, she's wife, so just be careful.
They are his kids and he
They are his kids and he probably knows that they are better off with him if bio mom cannot cope. Of course, he is going to take them when she can't deal. He could end up with them full time, you know that, right?
If this is not going to work for you, this might not be the right relationship for you. Trying to convince a man to spend less time with his young kids, when he feels they need him, is not going to end well. And talking to bio mom about it? That's not going to work in your favor, either.
Believe me, I understand where you are coming from, but the situation is what it is and it doesn't sound like he's interested in doing anything different, he wants to be there for his kids.
That's what this time together before marriage is for, to see if this is going to work for you long term.
Yes, I agree. If Mom is a
Yes, I agree. If Mom is a poor parent, he might end up with full custody, in fact, since it's obviously not settled. It's not really fair to tell him you want him to take less time with his kids.
And no, don't talk to the mother - what would you say to her? "Get your sh!t together so I don't get stuck with your kids so much!" I don't think that would go over well.
As hereiam said, this may not be the guy for you. Your kid is grown, his are young. Why not find a guy who is divorced and has older kids?
I'm unclear what you mean by
I'm unclear what you mean by this When we get them i feel annoyed that she cant cope! So i lose time with my man but then she wont accept help. When you guys get the boys you feel annoyed by her? Are you saying that you want to help her?
Welcome to the site!
Always nice to welcome a new UK member. In your bio you said the issue is the bio mum - hate to tell you but it's not. Kids are more than happy to accept different rules in different houses. The issue is that your bloke is still tied up with his wife to a high degree and by the way you describe the situation, this is not likely to change. You should definitely not talk to her - how she parents is up to her, and their father stepping in to help her out sounds as if the two of them are still very involved with each other. I wonder why divorce proceedings haven't been started if this is not the case?
Like hereiam said - trying to get your man to back off is probably not going to work, so unless you can stomach the situation as it is, you might want to rethink your wedding plans.
Your DH still has something for BM
He might still be wanting to get back with BM. He did not break off with her at some degree. Be very careful, at what’s going on. He putting BM first, doing what she wants over your wants.
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UPDATE
Ok i think from responces ive been unclear.
The children do not annoy me.
The divorce is going through
BM and i have met and been to houses etc but she doesnt speak to me and will stand in silence til my SO comes. (I guess she doesnt like me)
I would happily have the kids 24/7/365.
Seperation is absolute nonsense. No way.
The issue is her not coping, pulling him away. The children have mummy days and daddy days. When its daddy days we give 100% when its mummy days i want to be with SO 100% but feel at times i cant because she is txting saying struggling, or that boys want daddy which i accept, but not every bloody day, could she not explain or distract them?
Would co-parenting work?
You have a partner problem
You have a partner problem not a BM problem. Until SO learns the word "No!" you are screwed and nothing will improve.
The problem is simple. The solution... not so easy.
Good luck. Decide if you want to be your SO's priority or eternally in 4th place behind his X and their children.
Partner problem
Thank you.
Ill have a chat with SO. 4th isn't good enough, ill accept 3rd, and let him know.
Thanks
DH needs to not answer her
DH needs to not answer her phone calls or texts. She’s is an adult, she can handle things. He needs to stop feeling like he can save her. She’s using the kids to stay connected to him. She’s rude to you. I’m so sorry she treats you like that.