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Another one Struggling

Barry Cassidy's picture

Submitted by Barry Cassidy on Sat, 07/27/2019 - 10:20pm

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General Discussion

Hi Guys,

I'm new here and have read some very harrowing tales to say the least. My problems with my skids actually seem quite mild in comparison but I am still finding it hard to cope.

I have SD17 and SD 9. I have lived with their BM for 4 years and the kids stay with us 4 days a week.  They have both been quite accepting of me I think and can see I help their mum out. SD17 is quite well behaved and probably quite good compared to other girls her age. SD9, on the other hand, has a difficult personality and is rude, very impatient, agressive  and prone to tantrums. 

I find I can't relate to either child, can't relax and enjoy a joke, conversation or banter as I would with my biological neices and nephews around the same age. I haven't grown to love them or develop any kind of bond. It hasn't got any better in 4 years and I am finding that I am almost always stressed or irritated when they are around(especially SD9) and find myself very easily annoyed over things like them making a mess around the house and being rude to their mum etc. I find myself avoiding them whenever possible. BM admits and agrees that SD9 is difficult and irritating so I dont' think I am overy intolerant.

I was probably quite naive but I thought that being nice to these kids would be enough and that everything would be great. I was wrong and this is a stressful way to live and I have become the grumpy step father that noone wants to be.

Sorry guys I know it could be much worse but these kids stress me out and I dont have a lot of hope for anything getting better.

 

Barry

 

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Sat, 07/27/2019 - 10:57pm

4 years of abuse from them, hubby making pathetic excuses to justify and enable the abuse to me and our 2 kids together instead of trying to protect us from it. Being told i and my kids are a stranger, i just zoned out of them.

i don’t participate in any family events with them. I focus on my university studies, my kids and hubby. If hubby tries to play this fake 1 big happy family crap he bluntly gets it from me i and my kids will not be around this dysfunction 

unfortunately in myy case the 3 skids were effed up by their mum, they won’t become productive members of society 

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sun, 07/28/2019 - 12:33am

How does your partner react to them being rude to her or making a mess in the house?  Maybe you and she should talk and develop some strategies for tackling this behaviour.  At 9, there are a lot of years to go before this child is off your hands, and disengaging is an option, but it will make you very frustrated, as it did me, and my SDs were only around 2 days per fortnight. 

"Being nice" to kids sadly doesn't always work.  What is their bio father's attitude to you?  Wednesday Martin explains in her book "Step Monster" that unless the bio parents "give permission" for their child to have a relationship with their step parent, it just doesn't happen.  

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 07/28/2019 - 2:42am

Why is not your DH there father, cleaning up the kids mess.  Your main problem is your DH,  He  letting SK make a mess and not clean up there mess. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 07/28/2019 - 7:38am

Like the others, my guess is that you are really annoyed at your wife, who doesn't adequately address these behavioral and cleanliness issues. That would be the place to start.

My SS was generally well-behaved with us because DH was a strong parent.  But I know that if he had not been a strong parent, SS could have easily been a very difficult child to deal with and very annoying to be around.  With his permissive mother, he was rude and disrespectful; but never with DH, who would give him consequences for it.  SS tried some of that early on when alone with me, but he discovered that I would tell DH and he would get consequences for it, so he no longer did anything like that.

Talk with your wife about making some changes to how she handles SD9 and the house cleanliness issue.

GoingWicked's picture

Submitted by GoingWicked on Sun, 07/28/2019 - 10:01pm

I truly think it takes a parent that has been there from the start to unconditionally love a 9 year old, they are the mouthiest things, and this is the age I had my worst fallouts with SD.  Looking back I probably took things a little to seriously, she was the first kid, so when my son got there it clicked.  Not to say I let him get away with disrespect, I just don’t take it to heart.

Stop being hard on yourself.  They aren’t your kids, you aren’t responsible for the lack of relationship with them.  A lot of that is out of our control, personality differences, loyalty conflicts, poor parenting etc.  Focus on improving yourself, making yourself happy.