2 from him, 1 together
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Anyone have their first child after being married with SKs? I will be having my first bio kid with DH, who has a 6 & 9yr old. DH is concerned about how things will change and talks about how he wants all of his children to be treated "the same". We have discussed how all circumstances will not be "the same" since SKs go with their mother 3nights per week and will have different maternal relatives. My family has made an effort to include the SKs in their lives, but show special excitement about the bio child coming. Any tips/thoughts about how to "blend" peacefully without showing favoritism? DH even suggested that all three children call me the same name-I go by "mimi" now, but I informed him that bio child would be saying "mommy".
Uh oh. I think your husband
Uh oh. I think your husband is delusional. There's no way his 3 kids are going to be treated the same, and to suggest that your bio call you the non-Mommy name the skids use is ridiculous. Even with 3 bio kids of different ages, they wouldn't be treated equally. Fairly, maybe, but not equally. I don't think I can FEEL the same about the skids as I will about my bio, even though I love my skids. Your DH is setting you up for failure with unrealistic expectations.
Seriously. "I want all of MY
Seriously. "I want all of MY kids to be treated the same." WTF? Well, they won't be, because they have different mothers, so get over it. OP's family isn't going to feel the same about their step-grandkids as they do their bio grandkid. And OP is most certainly not going to feel the same way about her skids as she does her bio kid, especially as their father allows "his kids" to get increasingly feral.
Welcome to the site and
Welcome to the site and congrats on your baby!
Treating all the kids "the same" is going to be very difficult and it sounds like it is going to be an issue you will be dealing with.
It's not the same. You will love your child... well, like YOUR child. It's just different. Yes, the skids are his and HE will love them all the same, but you may not...and your family may not either. That is NORMAL.
And "the same", exactly what does he mean by that? That you and your family have to contribute financially the same also?
Yes, he means same
Yes, he means same financially, etc. I know it will not be this way and am trying to prepare him. I fear that I may love my bio child somewhat more than the SKs out of nature, though I have raised the SKs from ages 2 & 4. I also know that I have a stricter parenting style than my DH and BM, and wonder how I will navigate rules that I at times "let go" of now bc SKs are not technically mine. I don't want to be the parent that says "well my son will do this"...but I fear it may end up coming out of my mouth.
Oooft, girl. Bookmark this
Oooft, girl. Bookmark this site; I fear you will be here often to vent and seek advice.
Kids in an "intact" family
Kids in an "intact" family aren't treated the same - merely based on things such as age, gender or needs.
How does your H expect you to do this if the kids have different mothers and are raised in different households?
He can have the same attitude and expectations of or with his kids.
He is quite delusional, bordering on being ridiculously absurd to think you can do same - to the point I doubt he understands his own circumstances: ie he is remarried and his first kids are raised in two different households. .
I guess he expects OP to go
I guess he expects OP to go along with the rules, expectations, etc. for her child that he and BM set for their children.
Which is none, apparently,
Which is none, apparently, per her other post.
EXACTLY.
EXACTLY.
My formerSO (and his family) thought the same. Even though they all talked about "how bm was a terrible mother". I guess I was supposed to be a terrible mother also, you know, so it would be "fair". Odd. And my formerSO had full custody of his son for 2 years before I came along - it wasn't just bm being a shitty parent...
It was also expected that I should financially contribute to the skids, including ticket items - cars when it was/would be time (including insurance costs), college funds, whatever their black hearts desired, which was a lot - all the time. You know so it was "the same for all". When I mentioned, well SO, you and BM will contribute, and then you and I will contribute - oh no. That wasn't good enough, because she may or may not. And not as much as *I could (bm is a welfare leech while I do quite well for myself). But my son from a previous relationship? Oh he wasn't going to be financially respinsible for that. (I realize this differs from OP as she does not have other children.)
Note, all of this rediculousness was not "introduced" all at once or in the beginning of the relationship. But came pretty quickly to a head once my formerSO thought I was "trapped" with a baby.
OP. Get ahold of this bullshit hard and fast. It likely will continue to snowball into more bullcrap. You really need to get expectations in line sooner rather than later.
It does look like this is
It does look like this is what he expects.
It is so incredibly stupid, it makes me worry about the IQ of the new baby...
"Then go ahead, DH, and treat
"Then go ahead, DH, and treat all YOUR children the same. I will treat all of MINE the same."
I hope you gave him such a
I hope you gave him such a death stare at his suggestion your child call you anything but "mom" that he apologized profusely and promised to never say anything so stupid again. I have never heard such a selfish request in all my years in this board. That single, moronic utterance would have me seriously considering single parenthood. How freaking daft is this man?!?! He would deprive you one of the best things about being a parent (having your child call you mama for the first time) for some sick and twisted notion of "fairness" to his kids?! W.T.F. After I laid into him for such a self-centered, asshat request, I would ask him if he will expect his prior spawn to call their mom something -- anything -- but mom. Afterall, it wouldn't be "fair" to your child if they have a mom and a mimi, but your kid doesn't even get a mom. I'm freaking livid for you.
^ SO MUCH THIS
^ SO MUCH THIS
Seriously. And as if it's
Seriously. And as if it's soooo hard to say, "Mimi is baby brother's Mommy, just like BM is yours! So he will call her Mommy and you should still call her Mimi and call BM Mommy."
Poor dears might need years of therapy over that. *eye roll*
DH and BM have almost no
DH and BM have almost no contact, but from what I hear from the children, they have no significant structure in BMs home either.
They all can not be treated the same.
SK go to BM three day a week. You bio does not. Right there there a difference. You SK have BM and BM parents and family to do for SK, where your kids do not have that. What is going to happen when BM takes SK on vacation? let’s say to Disney. Your Bio is not going. So it’s not going to be the same. It never will, SK will have two Christmas, two Birthdays ect. Your bio only one.
You DH thinking is not right. You go have fun with your child, SK are not your responsibility. Please do not miss out on fun and good time with your child because of your DH. Your kid is only young once,for a very short amount of time. Do not screw that up.
That makes a very good point.
That makes a very good point. I could easily see DH being uncomfortable with us doing fun activities with future bio son while the girls are with their mother. On that same token, it would not be fair to future son if he limited to activities/opportunities based on what the girls are available to do with him. The girls do get double birthdays, etc. I don't feel the need to do extra to make up for the difference, but acknowledge that there will be differences.
Will he expect your family to
Will he expect your family to "postpone" holiday celebrations to wait until skids are not at their bm's house celebrating... you know, it wouldn't be "fair" if skids couldn't come too! *eye roll*
He wants you to have YOUR kid
He wants you to have YOUR kid call you something like mimi so HIS kids don’t get upset?!? WTF. No. This guy is out to lunch & I hope you told him how insane that is.
It’s not your job to make sure his kids are treated the same. He can treat HIS kids the same, but why do you need to compensate for the fact that HE got divorced & chose to have a baby with a new woman. If he didn’t want his kids to experience the differences steplife will throw at them he should have stayed with BM.
I shouldn’t be shocked at the nerve of people anymore but this seriously got me. If my DH wanted our child to call me by my first name (or something) to keep my skids happy I’d lose it. It’s not your fault he has those kids & divorced their mother. What a wanker.
I think there will be differences, but it should be handled
tactully. I told my mom not to give extravagant gifts to my kids in front of Stepkids. I have asked her to tone down, and instead put money in college fund.
I do note on another thread, a poster demanded that her new inlaws treat her kids from a prior relationship the same as her DHs kids, and no one batted an eye. Oh well, double standard here.
Please link us to this
Please link us to this supposed double standard.
Your mother is under no obligation to NOT give your kids better gifts, though if your skids are too young to understand WHY your kids might get better gifts than they do, then it's thoughful for her to not do it in front of them.
But if your skids are old enough, they should be told that just like they have a grandma on THEIR mother's side who gives them gifts, your kids do too, and that's why they get better gifts from her; and then your mother should go ahead and get your kids what she wants, and a small token gift for the skids.
My SS never expected any gifts from my family, though they did give him small gifts, and he was grateful for them. He was old enough to understand why there might be more focus on the bio-grandkids in the room.
The one you responded to at 10:19. LOL
No responses, even though the post was up for while.
I have 2 Bios from my first
Submitted by CompletelyPuzzled on Fri, 07/26/2019 - 10:47pm
I have 2 Bios from my first
Submitted by CompletelyPuzzled on Fri, 07/26/2019 - 10:47pm
I have 2 Bios from my first marriage. My MIL tried the same crap, treating SD better than my kids. She even commented that my kids weren't her family and never would be. My DH told her to leave our house. He told her that we are his family and a package deal. Either she accepts all of us or none of us.
She had literally not spoken to or seen DH or SD in 3 years because of my DH's disrespect. Your DH should stick up for you. It sounds like he is using you. He won't stick up for you and the way he treats your kids is crap. Stand up for yourself and walk away.
I went back and found her
I went back and found her post. I commented that I don't think the MIL is obligated to treat her kids the same, though she shouldn't be rude to her. She had far, far bigger issues than that one, that's why no one commented on that part.
I think there will be differences, but it should be handled
tactully. I told my mom not to give extravagant gifts to my kids in front of Stepkids. I have asked her to tone down, and instead put money in college fund.
I do note on another thread, a poster demanded that her new inlaws treat her kids from a prior relationship the same as her DHs kids, and no one batted an eye. Oh well, double standard here.
He wants all his kids treated
He wants all his kids treated the same. Has he informed BM that she has to buy gifts for, take on vacation, and buy what she buys for her children for his new child? Since all the kids are using the same names, how does BM feel about his new child calling her mommy?
He hasn't thought this through. Some of this will disappear when reality sets in, and for some of this he needs a huge wake up call. He's delusional. Does he expect to put his newest child in the cupboard and ignore when his other children aren't there?
Buckle up! Set the rules now
Buckle up! Set the rules now or you are going to miserable.
1. If he pays CS to BM there is NO financially fair in your home. The rest of the any money should go to mostly YOUR kid.
2. Do NOT postpone holidays for the step kids making your own kid always having to wait or celebrate thanksgiving on Saturday. Don’t do it!
3. Do NOT allow your husband to only take vacations if the step kids can go along....again not fair to YOUR kid.
what your dh is thinking is not possible. You need to look out for YOUR kid and ONLY your kid because your DH will be only looking out for the other 2 with his line of thinning.
Treating all kids the same doesn’t work in my case.
For starters my husband, his exwife and 3 kids with her are asian and living in asia. I am Australian and our 2 kids have aussie citizenship too.
I am university educated in a western country and exwife has basic high school diploma
My quality of life will be better and my kids likely more successful in their career compared to skids. Hubby knows this so skids can chuck a major hissyfit but its a major tough shit from me
Even multiple spawn in intact
Even multiple spawn in intact initial families are not treated "the same". Kids are different, parents change as they mature, financial situations can be significantly different between the birth of the eldest child(ren) and the youngest.
Your DH's need for his two prior relationship children and the new baby to be treated the "same" is an immature and irrational perspective IMHO. He needs to find clarity on reality in a hurry and you need to lead him to clarity in order to prevent a whole lot of drama in your family.
Take care of you. Take care of your baby.
Similar experience
Hi!!! Congrats on little one
there is no way to not show favoritism. If your child together lives with you full time and the other two dont, there will be a lot of privileges afforded to your child as compared to the other two.
On pregnancy note, fair warning- I HATED my step kids postpartum for about 6 months. Get prepared for that now in case it happens to you.