Poll: would this concern you as either a step or bio parent
So the last time SD8 was here I ran outside to throw something in the recycling. So gone less than 30 seconds. I come back in and DS1 is sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying and SD is standing at the top with the baby gate open. Completely flat facial expression, doesnt even glance at her little brother, doesn't look worried she will be in trouble, just no reaction at all. I yell at her about the gate being opened while picking up DS and comforting him and she just said I didnt and calmly walked away.
I dont know exactly what happened since I didnt see it obviously, but I found the fact that she had zero emotional response and didnt check to see if he was okay or look for one of the adults to help or anything concerning. DH doesnt think its concerning at all because "she didnt push him."
I personally would be concerned if it was my bio also
- Jcksjj's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
My first reaction would be to
My first reaction would be to tend to the baby...then I'd go NUCLEAR on sd8.
Whether she pushed him down the stairs or was hoping he'd fall on his own is irrelevant.
She's old enough to understand basic safety rules, and blatant disregard of them puts the baby at risk..... no WAY would I let that slide.
I'd also never leave them alone together again.
Thank you. I feel like
Thank you. I feel like dealing with this crap on a regular basis is throwing off my sense of what "normal" is. But that's exactly how I feel.
If I had bios in the house of
If I had bios in the house of skids, I would lose my mind. If a skid hurt a bio, I would accidentally hurt that skid to the same degree. Not kidin. When my oldest son used to pick on my youngest, i used to pick on my oldest. If he pushed the little one, I pushed him. When it got to the point that it wpuld be abuse(punching, kicking), i would do something else. It stopped pretty quickly.
It would concern me no matter
It would concern me no matter who the 8 year old was. 8 year olds are old enough to know what safety gates are for and that they need to remain closed. I can see some 8 year olds being more concerned about getting in trouble than with the younger sibling, and therefore not rushing to help, but to stand there without emotion is just odd. I definitely would not leave those two alone. Also, the fact that your DH doesn't find it concerning is concerning.
Yes, it is troubling to say
Yes, it is troubling to say the least.
I feel terrible you are going though this. I had to watch my baby like a hawk when my formerSO's son wasn't in school. I literally had to take him in the bathroom with me. It was EXHAUSTING.
Yeah it is - that's what DH
Yeah it is - that's what DH doesnt get. If she isnt doing something wrong right that second he thinks it means everything is fine. Because all the other stuff is "in the past." I dont think so - when she has a steady history of being like that it would be neglectful imo to just let it go. Just because she can sometimes be at our house for awhile without any big event doesnt mean it's all better.
I’d be concerned regardless
I’d be concerned regardless of who’s kid it is, SD would never be alone with my bio again after that. What would concern me even more is DH’s lack of concern for your shared child. Was he not worried about his son at all? I’d be questioning his competence as a parent big time.
I am honestly. I get that it
I am honestly. I get that it sucks that he has a kid like that and theres no sign of it getting better, but I think this time pretending it's not that bad is crossing the line into negligence. I think he was concerned but still decided to bury his head in the sand about it and justify it with that she didnt do it on purpose. Which I dont know for sure that she did, but I do know that I saw the complete lack of empathy or concern for him.
If my SD did that I'd shit a
If my SD did that I'd shit a brick. She wouldn't be allowed in my house after putting my child's life at risk.
nickname for sd
Damienette
Yes!
If you have to step out for a second, hand DS1 to DH. If it’s more than a second since DH is so indifferent then take DS with or get a sitter.
Install cameras. You’re gonna need them.
Is there a way to get her to wear a GoPro?
Very concerning!
Very concerning!
My SD is always concerned about everyone around her, sibling or not.
And your SD is old enough to know why a baby gate is needed.
My 3 year old shows more
My 3 year old shows more empathy to his toys if they fall down the stairs. Yeah, that would be super concerning.
I would be very concerned and
I would be very concerned and I would make a huge deal out of it also!
Spawn was this same way, she kicked my BS in the groin when he was 3 and scratched my daughter when she was an infant. She also used to abuse her other brother.
Since I couldn't smack the crap out of Spawn I had to keep them all in my sight line as much as possible and I taught my kids early on to scream and run away from her if she tried to touch them.
How old are they all now? I'm
How old are they all now? I'm just curious how things evolved
Spawn is 21 and I have not
Spawn is 21 and I have not seen or spoken to her since she was 16 1/2. BS is 19 and BD is 13. They got along okay on the surface, but spawn still did stuff, throwing used pads and tampons under BDs bed, and having her friends pick on BS at school. She’s just an asshole in general.
So do you think the SD
So do you think the SD pushed your kid down a flight of stairs? If so, NEVER let your SD around your child again alone. No if ands or butts.
But if all of this drama is just because the kid did not show empathy in the short amount of time the baby was crying, I think is too much. Maybe she just got to the gate as you got to your baby…? And then you yelled at HER…?
Honestly, if my DH came to me with this, I would say he is being paranoid and bias against my kid. Then I would tell him to never yell at her again. JMHO
I don't mean to sound
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic and I saw the reaction to a previous comment, but how many time do you hear, "I only turned around for two seconds..." and then the consequences are disasterous?
I would be very concerned about what happened - especially since it seems the skid may have opened the gate or even pushed the baby down the stairs.
This is quite horrific to contemplate and I am happy for all of you things seem to be okay and there is no real bad outcome.
However, responsibility here rests with you.
You are responsible for care of your baby.
Whatever the timeframe, the two children were left unattended by you- and you don't know what happened or why SD reacted the way she did.
You know you cannot do it again.
No I feel exactly the same
No I feel exactly the same way you do and dont want to leave them alone together for 2 seconds ever again. DH thinks that it's fine. They weren't even actually together, she was downstairs (the area DS was in is completely babyproofed as long as the gate is shut so normally the younger kids are up there while the older kids have their toys and video games and stuff downstairs) and must've came up when she heard me go outside but still. The reason for the poll is that now having just had a c section, 3 kids of my own it's really difficult at the moment to keep that close of a watch on a sneaky 8 year old and extremely stressful to have to. Dh thinks she never does anything wrong and that it's no different for me to have her there also and that I shouldnt be worried about her towards the other kids.
Thank you, because I did not
Thank you, because I did not expect such a gracious reply.
Look , you have more than enough on your plate than having to deal with or worry about a possibly hostile skid.
I actually looked back at this post because I found it so unsettling and I do not live this, so I can not imagine how you must be feeling.
Please ask your DH for help: it is hard enough looking after a newborn on your own, nevermind having to take care of the home and skids and kids too.
Hugs!
I think it's time your ob/gyn
I think it's time your ob/gyn had a chat with your dh and explained to him that you are not anywhere near being able to do everything you did before your c-section. He clearly doesn't understand that you had major abdominal surgery and that any kid of strain could burst your stitches and he could find himself alone with all of the kids and have to just "deal with it". He really hasn't a clue but maybe a talking-to by a professional might help?
8 is old enough to know not
8 is old enough to know not to open a baby gate and either push and/or let the baby fall on his own. I wouldn't leave them alone again (not that they should be left alone anyway as some posters here pointed out) but everyone has experienced that "only turned around for a second" moment at one point or another to variying results. Now you know you can't do that with them - all 8 year olds are different, this one wants to push your kid down the stairs. You mentioned other things have happened, if there is a pattern of this behavior then DH needs to wake up.
I’m on the fence, you can’t
I’m on the fence, you can’t expect an 8 year old to be responsible for a 1 year old. If she’s hostile towards your kids otherwise, I might draw the conclusion that she pushed him. If not I’d give her the benefit of the doubt, accidents happen. She may have opened the gate not intending anything.
Do you let your SD bond with your kids? Did you know letting her hold the baby and smell his head will increase the bonding experience? That’s the one thing I did right, even though my relationship with SD is crappy, she and my kiddos love each other to bits.
Generally hostile - I had a
Generally hostile - I had a previous blog about her slamming the door on me holding DS1 (i think he was maybe like 8 months at the time?) And then doing the same thing to ODS with the car door a few minutes later. That time she was smirking so it was obviously hostile. So idk, it could go either way as far as on purpose or not.
As far as responsibility- I'm confused why people keep saying that because the only responsibility they (her and DS8) have is to keep the gate shut after opening it - just like they have to shut the door when they come in the house. She wasnt even on the same floor as him when I went outside. It's not like I said here watch your brother (which I actually think yes she is definitely intellectually capable of but wouldnt do anyway because of lack of trust). But like someone else said what I'm asking is would you be concerned about the complete lack of empathy?
It feels like you want
It feels like you want someone to comment on this Skids lack of empathy in a way that may confirm they are a sociopath or the like. I think that would be hard for anyone here to say as we're on a message board and you know this kid. That would be for you to tell us I think. From reading the post I dont think the Skid is Michael Myers but I do think they should'nt be left alone with your kids.
My SKids had no empathy for my DS in times of injury or distress - I chalk that up to their resentment of him because of the usual bullshit everyone complains about around here (their dad, their BM, living situations, everything in between). That said, it didn't make watching them not care one iota about DS any easier - in a role reversal situation he'd be the first hand extended to pick them up if they fell even after their shabby treatment of him.
You're not wrong - it is very
You're not wrong - it is very hard for anyone else to comment on it because they arent actually there to see it and read her body language etc. And of course unless you've read all my blogs (and even if you have, which I wouldnt expect) theres tons of info missing.
BUT since my gut reaction is that theres something very wrong and DH keeps insisting the opposite no matter what happens so it starts making me question my judgment.
I dont really have a better way of getting any feedback IRL on it. So asking this forum for opinions is the best option.
I think you just told me (and
I think you just told me (and you) all you need to know about this situation and Skid.
I would say at 8 years old,
I would say at 8 years old, absolutely I would be concerned. It seems like she may be resentful towards your 1 year old and you need to address that. My SD was almost 6 years old when her brother was born and she was very resentful. I wouldn't have trusted her with him whatsoever because kids are dumb and resentment makes them act cold - they don't understand to the degree we do about safety. You need to put effort into helping her bond with rather than resent your 1 year old.
I can safely trust my SD, who is almost 8, with my 19-month-old son. In fact, if I need to tidy the bathroom or something, I'll put him in her room. Her room is generally baby-proofed and she knows to watch that he doesn't put anything small near his mouth or anything like that. She also knows to comfort him if he starts getting upset. If he starts getting upset and she can't comfort him, she calls for me.
Yes
Yes, I would be concerned and would install visible and hidden cameras. The visible ones are a deterrent to bad behavior. The hidden catch what the child does when they think no one can see.
Occam's Razor says
Occam's Razor says the simplest explanation is the correct one. You went outside for less than a minute and in that time the gate opened, DS was at the bottom of the steps, and SD was at the top of the steps displaying a lack of concern. It is far too complex to be a coincidence. I would certainly install cameras and not tell anyone including your DH. He would not be the first parent to be fully aware that his child is troubled and want to keep hidden as long as possible. There have been several on here that have removed cameras, turned them off, and told the skid about them. I would also make sure that my child was not left alone with her until he was old enough to defend himself. Are there pets? Have they been ill or injured or is it just people that she takes out her anger on?
The stepparent told the kids
The stepparent told the kids about the cameras? Jeez...
Well I do have a baby monitor with a camera that I was planning to set up in the family room for the time being while it's harder for me to walk up and downstairs anyway. It doesnt record, but I can see it on my phone and take screenshots and maybe short videos I think.
She used to pull alot of crap on ODS who is socially quite a bit behind so it was easy for her to - I spent alot of time listening when she thought I couldn't hear or see and catching doing things before she started to feel less confident about getting away with it and it decreased. It still happens once in awhile though and it's already been happening more again since we are in a new house and she hasn't figured out I can clearly hear what's going on downstairs in the family room from upstairs even though I cant see.
There are pets - I know when she was younger she enjoyed stomping on the cat for fun but I havent seen anything like that since then. When DH is around she puts on a huge act of how much she just loves the dog because he was gets all teary eyed about how sweet and adorable she is over it. When hes not home or watching her shes just indifferent to the dog.
I'd be very concerned and
I'd be very concerned and hope its just a "phase". The number one trait of a psychopath is a lack of empathy so I'd keep an eye on her and never leave my child alone with her again.
Your SD is creepy. Please
Your SD is creepy. Please stop second guessing yourself.