What is my role?
Hi,
There is no doubt that I'm with a great father which is a very positive thing but there are a few things which I am struggling with on a personal level which I’m not happy about – and this involves the family structure / hierarchy when we are altogether as a foursome. (which is 50 percent of the time as he co-parents with his ex wife)
My boyfriend of nearly 3 years is very much the leader/male head of the house. Understand this.
As the female adult I naturally expect to be the female head of house - so we have 2 adults running the show / consulting each other about things.
However this is not the case. The family dynamic is turned on it’s head as it seems the 10 year old daughter is given the role of adult female head of house while the 12 yar old son is in child position and I am renegated to that of home help – often having orders barked out at me. The daughter is consulted on everything (putting her in an adult position when she is still a child), asking her what she wants/ doesn’t want / etc / & adjusting things accordingly - basically letting her totally run the family show – while I am not consulted about anything except being bossed around. My boyfriend likes to do everything - as he is the better cook etc - which is why I seem to get the roles of kitchen hand and tidying up all the dishes after. Admitedly he is a bit controlling and I'd like to have some sort of 'ownership' in some areas.
My BF is extremely nice and friendly to the kids every second of the day but seems to have very little genuine friendliness left over for me after all his tiredness and stress, etc. I’m just there ‘in the background.’ Just because I’m not the kids mother or his wife doesn’t mean my ‘place’ is at the very bottom of the hierarchy scale. In my opinion, it’s also very much giving out the wrong message to the children
I also notice a distinct change in his personality when he has the kids and when he doesnt. It seems he can’t operate two tracks at the same time. In my personal observation, he seems to go over-board pleasing the kids, doing absolutely everything for them from dawn to dusk, being the ‘star’ dad 24/7 – while with me he's really not that friendly towards me. The awful thing I’m going to say is this – I often don’t like how he behave towards me when he has the kids. The moment they go back to the ex wife - he is super friendly and nice to me. I often wonder what my role is and where exactly do I fit into all of this?
At times I have felt extremely awkward, like I’m intruding into a very personal intense relationship between the 3 of of them.
I think the kids are used to very personal and intense all day long one-on-one time with their father and visa versa. Nothing wrong about this, but I often feel - hy exactly do I need to be here as well? He can’t have it all either (this is selfish) – ie me shuffling around in the background while he devotes himself to his two passion projects. I realise I probably need to find my own passion project while he is consumed with this devotion for his kids but it's difficult as I'm on his territory, in his house (we dont officially live together) with his kids. I'm not the mother, or the step mother, or the wife. I'm the girlfriend who he wants to be part of the family but I'm not - I'm the outsider. I also don't share his all-consuming interest and fascintion for his kids even though I get on ith them well. Any advice?
He is using you. He likes
He is using you. He likes having you around when you serve his purpose but not when you want to be anything other than a maid and his bedwarmer. He isn't a "bit" controlling, he's very controlling and he's a Disney dad.
"I think the kids are used to very personal and intense all day long one-on-one time with their father and visa versa. Nothing wrong about this"
Yes, there is. Kids need to learn to take care of themselves without being stifled by Daddy's ubiquitous presence. He needs to learn to let them breathe, to amuse themselves without needing him there all the darn time.
He isn't a great father. He's giving his daughter your role! A 10 yo is not equipped for that! I suggest you google 'disney dad' and 'mini-wife'. Your bf isn't setting bouindaries, isn't letting them learn and is not teaching them anything. How can yoiu expect them to develop normally.
Finally, hown on earth have you managed to put up with this for three whole years? Don't you think yoiu deserve better than the crumbs that are left when his kids leave to go back to their mother's?
Give him one and only one chance to change it
Have you talked to him about how you feel and pointed out the discrepancy between his behavior with and without the kids? If he is open to change, give him ONE chance to prove that the issue is only that he hasn't yet figured out how to manage this. If this does not change immediately, dump him to the curb. You deserve a loving relationship where you are his focus. Yes the kids need attention, but clearly he has not figured out how to balance both relationships. Don't sell yourself short.
Adults in a relationship
Adults in a relationship should work as a team. When one partner has kids, that doesn't make them the team captain who gets to make decisions on behalf of the team. It just means their responsibilities to the team differ from the other partner.
I agree with Winter above. I call this the "doll on a shelf" effect, and I lived through it with my XH. You're not a real person but rather a doll - a toy - that gets pulled out and played with at the convenience of player. But when you're no longer fun? Or something cooler comes along (like the kids)? You get put right back on the shelf and are expected to sit there quietly until they are ready to come back and play and love on you again.
Stop being the maid. Stop letting him make all the decisions. He doesn't have the right to just because he has kids. Giving his daughter adult status is NOT good parenting. It's not good for her on any level. That's BAD parenting, and being a BAD partner to you.
If you can't speak up for fear of what your BF would do, or if you think silence is the only way to keep him happy, then I suggest re-examining your relationship and asking yourself why you want to be in a relationship where you don't have a voice.
Exactly, and am in a similar situation
I did not live with my DH or spend copious time with him when he had the kids. I wish I had. I would have seen sooner that I am the doll on the shelf. I’ve even used that analogy with DH to try to explain to him the dynamic and with the therapist I started seeing.
It sucks. Don’t do it. There are other men out there. He really not “the only one for you.” And I’m guessing he doesn’t see it at all. “But I barely get to see them.” “But I want it to be fun for them.” “They are MY kids, and I know how to handle this.” “You don’t like my kids.”
Why am I still in it? I have a bio and don’t want to rip his world apart again. I’m waiting out the clock until my bio is launched (maybe DH changes in that time but I’m It holding my breath).
This!
Lt,
Absolutely incredible synopsis of being in a relationship with a prior relationshop breeder.
In far too many of these relationships it is the partner who has been responsible and discerning in procreating who is the one who should be the defacto decision maker if there has to be a defacto decision maker.
The ones who have proven poor judgement in relationships and are proven be less discerning in spawning with quality partners really need to bite their tongues and take advice from their less failure prone partner. Experience does not always mean wisdom. Particularly for people who have failed to engage the right partner to make their life with and have children with.
Certainly there are those who learn from experience. Those are the ones we want as blended marriage partners.
I know, not really the message that you intended but.... I absolutely agree with you. Having children within a failed family does not make one a relationship or parenting authority.
You lost me at "Leader/male
You lost me at "Leader/male head of the household".
This is 2019 and I'm going to assume you don't live in the Middle East. A partnership should be just that, a "partnership". That doesn't mean you are an equal parent to his kids, but it does mean you are an equal adult to HIM.
If you for some reason like the idea of women being secondary to men, then carry on and let him be the "leader" as he sees fit.
Mmmm..
Don’t judge how they want to live their life. It’s 2019 and if they want to base their household function on a patriarchal system, that’s their choice.
IMHO, though, the true art of being a good “head of the household” has been lost. Strong, thoughtful, kind breadwinners have been replaced by spoiled whiny little man babies who throw tantrums when they don’t get their way all the time.
OP, your man isn’t the head of the house. If he was, he would be very quick to support you in your role as woman of the house and his partner. The patriarchal system is just fine but is only functional if the defined roles are adhered to. The man is the breadwinner and de facto king but his wife is the advisor and steward. Children should get busy learning respect and how to be functional adults. They don’t earn the money or care for the home so they have no voting power.
I would take a good long look at what this relationship brings to the table for you other than a guy who isn’t quite as rude two weeks a month.
That’s what I said in my last
That’s what I said in my last sentence. Live on as if he’s the leader.
She shouldn’t be complaining if that’s how she wants to live. He’s the boss, she follows along.
And I will judge practices that oppress women.
Curious
How does “man is the head of the house” oppress women?
Done correctly the man does get to make decisions with some autonomy but then he also has the unbreakable responsibility to be faithful to, care for and provide for his wife and children.
Just like communism and free love, on paper it’s a nice idea. In practice it has the added component of flawed human behavior. Don’t hate the game, hate the whiny spoiled man babies and greedy GUBMs that screw it all up.
You seriously don't see how
You seriously don't see how a man making the decisions and treating his wife like another child is oppressive to women? It's a small step from when women were property with no rights.
In my world, men and women are equal. I don't need anyone to "provide" for me, I can do it myself, thanks. If someone wants to join with me and we provide for each other, I'm on board.
Lol.
I have spent much of my life in the Middle East and even there are a number of confident women in true partnership marriages.
I do not want a subservient wife. I want an equity partner who will challenge me every minute of every day to be a better man, husband, father and person than I might otherwise be.
I think you know what your
I think you know what your role is in this "relationship".
Agree with the others. He is
Agree with the others. He is neither a good partner or father. Talk to him, give him ONE chance to correct.
You deserve better. Please read that last line again. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
It sounds like he is just
It sounds like he is just using you.
You are your SO's equity life
You are your SO's equity life partner as he is yours. You and you alone are his equity life partner. That makes you both equity parents to any spawn in your relationship home regardless of kid biology.
SD-10 never takes precident over the relationship between the SOs... ever. No kid does.
Kids are the top relationship responsibility but never the priority above the partners and their relationship. If that is the case... this relationship isn't worth investing another second in IMHO.
SO puts his spawn in her place or you do it. If he takes issue with that... find another partner.
Thia guy is an ahole. Is all
Thia guy is an ahole. Is all nicey-nice to the kids but has none left over for you? Treats you like the help? Puts SD in the drivers seat & allows her to 'bark orders' at you??? Kick this douche in the @ss or DTMFA, seriously.
Make him a yesterday person.
Plain and simple.
Express your concerns. Give him one and only one chance to resolve them (as wonderfully suggested by another user). And if the situation doesn’t improve, then leave. Clean cut. No long, drawn out talks that will make you reconsider. A simple “Youre a non-contributor to my life. We’re done.” Then immediately start packing your stuff. Not sure who’s name is on the lease or what the logistics are financially, but start prepping to find a new living space that’s not dominated by his leftover family where you can freely feel like a grown woman and not the help.
He is precisely the type of man who makes dating a single parent a miserable, unwanted experience. You’re clearly contributing more to his life than he is to yours. His situation is becoming a burdensome load that you’re forced to carry in your own home to an extent where you have to sacrifice your role as a grown ass woman for his past failed relationship. I agree with the user who suggested he gets one and only one chance to fix things because by three years in a relationship, the dynamic is typically set in stone. Unless you’re in an official marriage, I don’t think it’s worth spending a ton of money on couple’s counseling.
This is Me!
I totally identify with this! And I'm sick of it! But I'm actually married. Totally agree that you should get out while you can. It wasn't apparent to me that this was going to be how I would be forced to live my life...but now it's abundantly clear, and I am Stepmom Barbie, on the shelf having her life dictated by mini-wife.