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Depressed and unappreciated

dalatijr's picture

Submitted by dalatijr on Sat, 12/08/2018 - 10:43am

Hi everybody.

It's been a while since I have been here, because life has been fairly good. My stepson has been a lot better in recent weeks, mainly because we have been playing in a community band together. That has helped our relationship a lot. My stepdaughter and I have really bonded well, and my wife still loves me. So why am I here today? Because lately, I have felt very depressed and VERY unappreciated by the people around me.

It started earlier this week at work. My area is doing a kaizen event, and it has been driving all of us nuts!! My boss, who I would go through walls for, is becoming a typical boss before my eyes, driven by numbers. This has made my work experience very uncomfortable, and I have become quite discouraged because of it. I am a college graduate and a published academic author, but none of that has mattered in the real world. They're nick trinkets, but it has not resulted in an improved job situation.

Then my fraternity, who I have devoted my entire adult life to, has made me out to be a hazer. I was a Curriculum Advisor, which allowed me to help with active members in their membership process. I have traveled to schools, I have spent my own money on activities the entire time I have been involved. I would try to brothers on Facebook, send text messages wanting answers to questions, and the only time they seemed to want to talk to ME..was when they had a problem. Well long story short...they took my schools away from me becsuse of a percieved hazing action. After all I had done for them..and this is the result?? Why did I get involved anyway?

Then there's my wife. She's the least of my problems. My wife is beautiful, loving and kind..99% of the time. But that 1%..

I am by no means a perfect man. I am a slob..I am trying to work through my problems..I eat too much and rest too little. But I work hard everyday. I do my best to do the right thing and to be ethical in all my actions. Yet all my wife seems to see is my flaws and not what I do right, except on the occasions where her ex gets on her last nerves and I have to comfort her. Lately, she's been compalining about me not cooking enough. So today I made breakfast (eggs, sausage and bacon). She come home from Weight Watchers, and says: "Thank you but I can't eat the bacon or sausage. I'M ON A DIET!!"

See, that's the story of my life. Hard work, determined effort, non-appreciation and lack of communication..unless someone has a problem. I don't understand it. What am I doing wrong?? Am I too nice to people?? Am I too trusting?? I'm not looking for any parades, but instead of pointing out my faults ALL the time...let me hear some positives every ONCE in a long while. Can someone help me understand this?? Thanks.

Comments

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Sat, 12/08/2018 - 11:09am

First let your wife know how you feel. Nicely and calmly. I am a person who doesn't always give thanks for things... I am a do-er instead. So DH has to remind me. I try to remember but I get busy and harried and have forgotten now and then.

To address your messes, my DH is a slob as well and he was relying on me cooking all the time even when he wasn't working. I had a chat with him about the cooking and he must make dinner 2-3 days of the week. I don't tell him what to make, but give suggestions if he asks. He also has to help with shopping as a result. Maybe talk with your wife about a plan?

You must clean up after yourself. My DH can make a perfectly clean house a disaster in 8 hours. I hate it. I like things neat, not perfect, but coming home to a filthy kichen (esp one I need to cook in) or a pile of stuff in the entry way or master bedroom makes me stressed and I don't want to nag or be his mother or housecleaner. It's the major pain point in our household, aside from SD issues. Clean up!

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Sat, 12/08/2018 - 3:08pm

Because of all these assumptions that its the "most wonderful time of the year". Meanwhile everyone is stressed and tired, and if you dont take care of yourself then it results in more depression.

Welcome to steptalk! I too have turned 50, and I too just got married. We have been together for almost 5 years, and I have 2 skids, with no children of my own. 

So, you are looking for clarity and are feeling reall down. I had that happen last weekend. Just really felt bad about everything in life. So, I just felt my way through it, talked to my DH, he helped (a little) and now Im feeling a ton better. It helps to talk it out.

About your fraternity locking you out in the cold: perhaps you need to read up on co-dependency. I have been reading up on that a little, and it makes sense how codependency can create a toxic relationship. It seems like your fraternity took from you and never gave back, and you are upset. Meanwhile there was a hazing situation - Ive heard of hazing - was legal action taken and you were found responsible? So they had to distance themselves? I dont know under what circumstances they would do that except in a case of someone dying or becoming paralyzed. If you would like to keep that detail off board, thats fine. Im sorry they used you and abandoned you like that. But perhaps you gave too much and they percieved you as a doormat.

Your wife being critical and unappreciative of your efforts: Communication is key here, let her know how you feel. If she is lost in the holiday shuffle of life, then this will help her see you and see what you are trying to do to help her. My DH and I - we have learned exactly what each others needs are. The best thing I can do for him is to clean up, and the second best thing I can do to help him is cook meals. And then clean after Biggrin Not kidding. Its very simple. Perhaps next time, dont surprise her, ask her what she would like you to cook, then do it exactly. I dont know how long you have been together, but I know that my DH will love me intensly if he sees a nice big juicy steak, some asparagus sauteed in garlic and butter and white rice in the rice cooker, steaming - his eyes just light up like a Christmas Tree. Your wife wants healthy food, which will be healthy for you as well, then research some healthy stuff, if you need to surprise her...

The best thing you can do for her is work on yourself. You both can bond over getting healthy. I too am overweight (not obese) and when I make salads, my (also overweight but not by much) DH loves it, and grabs the tomatos before I can put them on the salad. Shared health and fitness goals help the bonding, and she will be less critical.

The work thing - well that is a major part of your life - the work life. I dont know about that one, perhaps start looking for a different position in the company or elsewhere. Perhaps after the event your boss will change back.

I too have a degree, and have been considering a masters. But academia is not as appreciated these days because its pretty much expected by now, especially with all the online degrees you always see. It really matters the degree and your chosen field. Mine is business. My SIL did online classes for her accounting masters. So some folks dont realise that all takes work and diligence and motivation to succeed. All they see is a piece of paper. The outside world is definitely different. But you need to manage your expectations, and understand that your value as a person is not determined by others estimation of you. Hope this helps! Keep posting if you need to, holidays can be tough to get through alone.