How To Respond?
More times than not, the excuse I get from HD when anything happens with skids behavior is "We've put them through so much with the divorce. I don't want to hurt them anymore." I've tried to tell him that there are millions of kids who have divorced parents and I can guarantee they don't yell and curse at their parents the way the skids do at him. A few examples...SS13 called DH a "f'ing retard" because SD13 tried to hit his mom right in front of DH and lost his phone for 24 hours. SD15, when she doesn't get her way, is always dropping the f bomb, etc. Besides disengaging, which I've started doing, how do I get into DH's head and make him realize this isn't from the divorce (at least not 100% of it). This is from him and BM's lack of parenting and it's NEVER too late to start. Standing up to them and enforcing a punishment isn't hurting them, it's helping them. Otherwise, life is going to slap them SO hard when they get out in the real world and they're not coming back to my house.
The best thing that divorced
The best thing that divorced parents can do is continue to parent their children. But perhaps they didn't do much parenting even when they were married.
My DH didn't do anything different after he and BM split up. He didn't spoil or coddle his daughter, trying to make up for the divorce (you can't "make up" for it) and he certainly would have never allowed her to cuss him.
Continuing to be the parent is not hurting kids, it's giving them consistency and stability. The divorce has already changed their lives and now their parents have changed, too, acting like their friends or like someone who doesn't care how they act, instead of their parents. That's not really what kids want or need. They need to know that nothing else has changed, the parents may be divorced, but the parent/child dynamic is still in play.
Also, it's really kind of selfish. Parents who do this are not doing it for their kids, they're doing it so that THEY feel better, themselves, because they feel like they've failed their kids and put them through the tragedy of divorce.
They are failing their kids because they are raising assholes, not because they divorced.
I don't think they did much
I don't think they did much parenting when they were married to start with. I do tell him that he and BM needs to at least talk and be on the same page. It freaks the kids out when they know they are talking and their behavior definitly changes for the better too. At least for a few days. I've essentially taken myself out of it unless it is directed at me (which I in no way allow) or at something that is mine.
I'm with you on this. I'm
I'm with you on this. I'm always struck by how selfish these parents are - they don't want to do the hard work of parenting, so they just let the kids run amok and justify it by how hard the divorce supposedly was on them. When in reality, they are neglecting their children and crippling them emotionally - ensuring that they will likely not be functional adults.
If I have kids cursing at me
If I have kids cursing at me and dropping F bombs everywhere they wouldn't have a home to come to.....plain and simple. Your H making excuses for them because of divorce is not doing them any favors. He needs to step it up and own his position as a father. Right now they are bullying him and its only going to get worse. Personally that behavior would not be allowed in my house. They can stay with their mother with that nonsense!
He has to set boundaries or you both will endure a lifetime of BS.
"Honey, the real world isn't
"Honey, the real world isn't going to give them a pass on acting like "aholes" just because their parents are divorced. You and your EX are going to cause your kids to exprience a lot more pain and suffereing in the real world when their employers, friends and partners refuse to put up with their shenanigans and poor treatment. They might not like you for it now but allowing them to act like little brats and throw tantrums is doing them zero favors"
Perfect. Thank you.
Perfect. Thank you.
Doesn't always move the needle
I've tried saying stuff like that at a good time, couched in niceties, and statements about having best interests at heart and it still didn't move the needle.
It doesn't always work.. but
It doesn't always work.. but in my case I did actually get a lot of behaviors modified.. and in the end.. I have two lovely, independant stepdaughters that are able to be productive members of society. Are they perfect? no.. but they are a LOT better than when I came into their lives..lol.