Skids bringing friends along too often?
Hi, Everybody,
New member here. I would like to know what other stepparent's feelings or policies are regarding their stepkids bringing friends along.
My husband has joint custody with his ex. We see his 2 kids, ages 13 and 16 (girl / boy) every other weekend and alternate weeks during the holidays.
While I don't have a problem with single night sleepovers now and then, my stepkids pressure my husband to allow them to bring friends over to sleep over far too often as far as I am concerned, as in every 2nd weekend. I have my own son, age 17, and our house, which isn't that big, gets pretty crowded with me, my husband, my son, our 2 stepkids and their 2 friends. What of course happens is that, when my husband says it's OK for one of the stepkids to bring a friend, the other also wants to and he can hardly say it's OK for one of his kids to bring a friend, but then not allow the other to do the same.
SS16 asked whether his friend can come over and spend the entire week in the December holidays with us. My feelings: isn't 16 a little old to have sleepovers for boys? Secondly, the whole week? Really? I'm going to end up having to feed and clean up a whole house full of teenagers. Again. I don't feel up to this. I want to rest, not have to sort out 3 meals a day for a whole goddamn house full of teens. And, of course, my husband is working a week longer than I am, but they want to come the week I'm the only adult.
Should I just point blank refuse to allow this to happen? Do I tell my husband that feeding them is his problem? Do other members here have similar issues?
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Comments
Yes, tell your DH you will
Yes, tell your DH you will not be dealing with the extra guests anymore, it's his responsibility, and then do that. He should not be agreeing to anything without your involvement, it's your house too.
My SS occasionally had sleepovers, but DH would have never allowed it that often. Sounds like your skids feel your house is "vacation time".
Many people would be happy with Stepkids having friends.
Are you too far from the stepkids other home to allow them time with friends? Will you be fair, and insitute a rule for ALL kids, no time with friends over holiday? If they see your child going off to visit his friends, and they cannot I can see aggravation.
If you complaint is about excess work, can you talk to DH and get everyone to agree to chores? IME, allowing kids to have friends can actually lessen the work.
Distance
Yes we're a bit far away from where his ex lives, approximately 20 miles each way. But the thing is: these are their school friends. They see their friends every day at school, and every other weekend when they're not with us. So they see their friends almost every day, except for 2 days every 2 weeks.
I'll allow sleepovers on special occasions, but it's a bit much for a week.
so are you willing to be fair
And restrict your kid to the house? Are the stepkids only allowed to see friends on mom's time? Is that fair? What are they supposed to do the week dad is working?
I agree that the sleepovers are a lot, but I can see their side too.
She already said her kid
She already said her kid doesn't have sleep overs this often...
Not the same
He can go out during the day, see his friends, stepkids cannot (too far)
Her son is also 17 and old
Her son is also 17 and old enough to drive. Does that mean it's not fair that the 14 year old can't borrow the car?
Turning her home into a teenager BNB isn't going to make things "fair."
Oh wah, wah, wah.
Oh wah, wah, wah.
Skids have 4-6 days a month when they can't constantly see their friends...so obviously SM should turn herself inside-out during the holidays hosting FOUR TEENAGERS on her time and her dime for an entire week just to make things "fair" for them.
Give me a break.
Things aren't always "the same" when kids come from a broken home. That's part of the consequences of divorce. She didn't choose to divorce their mom...her husband did. So why is SM the only one expected to suffer and deal with the results of that decision?
Mic Drop
Mic Drop, TwoOfUs. lol.
He can absolutely say yes to
He can absolutely say yes to one friend and no to a whole herd. Growing up, if one of my brothers had a friend over, I was told no to my requests because we already had a guest.
If he can't put reasonable limits on his kids, he's going to drive you to put a stop to all sleepovers.
I'm guessing they want to do
I'm guessing they want to do it because they don't have any friends that live in proximity to your house.. so they are importing their own. Teens are very social creatures amongst themselves.. and are likely to become very bored or reluctant to come for visits if they can't somehow connect with their friends during their visitation weekends. That being said, I can understand your frustration at having 2 extra guests in your home on a regular basis. Are you willing to step up and do more commuting with the stepkids so that they can perhaps see their friends during the day.. but take them home at night? I can see maybe telling them they can each invite someone over one night a month.. but the other visiting has to be done just during daytime hours.. and your.. the other parents will need to facilitate rides for kids not old enough to drive.
Lol kids are constantly
Lol kids are constantly connected to their friends ...24/7 these days.
I don’t even like feeding my step kids haha
i find they literally eat everything. The grocery bills are insane. Before I used to spend 50-100 dollars a week in food. Now it’s more like 300 with two extra boys and a man. This aggravated me. Let alone to have more people in the house to feed that would piss me off too. What about saying one night a month to a sleep over and try to plan it where they help to clean up? Talk to them about your expectations before they invite friends over and if they are not met then nip it!
100% you should say no to
100% you should say no to skid having a friend over for an entire week. That's ridiculous. I agree with others that sometimes it can be easier when they have a friend stay over, but a week is another story. I can't imagine a circumstance where I would ever agree with a skid having a friend over for a week.
Skids here only have spleepovers occasionally. SD had two in the past month, but that is pretty rare. In her case, it's nice because they're upstairs most of the time and she's not connected to our hip. The new thing, however, is they basically trash her room (it's disgusting), and she's going to be told tonight that if she continues to do that and not clean it she will not be allowed to have friends over. I feel like having a friend over does not mean our house should suddenly be a disgusting mess.
To answer your question - yes
To answer your question - yes, this is an absurd and unfair (to you!) request.
Yes. You put your foot down. If DH is insistent, then yes...I'd tell him cooking and cleaning up after skids and friends is HIS job. It's amazing how much more selective these men get about saying yes to kid requests when they're actually the ones on the hook for it.
If you feel you aren't being listened to...I'd even go so far as to plan a week-long getaway for myself and my son during the skid and company visit. Really truly leave it all to your DH. Isn't there a great-aunt who you've been meaning to go see forever or something? Isn't this extra week you have off while your DH is still working the perfect opportunity to get away and visit some family?
Just say NO
ir is common for teens to want to hang out with their friends all weekend. And by having to come to another house, they will have fomo. However it is not out of line to say no to a whole week of guests.
My MSS liked to have friends come over as well and we live 2 miles away. I would only allow friends to come when DH would be at home to cater to them. DH works Saturday so I don’t allow Friday night guests.
I think every weekend is a bit much for guests but maybe limit it to once a month and no week long guests.
in reality you are still pretty lucky they are still coming over at that age. Most skids start making excuses to stay at their main home by this age.
SD always had sleepovers. I
SD always had sleepovers. I mean ALWAYS, she couldn't be alone. It caused a lot of arguments between DH & I. She always brought a friend on vacation, every weekend in the summer she brought a friend to our Lakehouse, every weekend she was with us she had a friend sleeping over, and she even tried weekday (school night) sleepovers. We live less than 3 miles from BM and most of her friends were in walking distance. SD is almost 19 now and she still has to have someone in tow. I had to see her for BIL's bday dinner and she had a friend with her and she even wanted to bring a friend to Thanksgiving dinner with her.
We had to put our foot down
We had to put our foot down when each SK (2) decided that having 3-4 friends in our three bedroom ranch house was somehow acceptable. 8-10 kids always here was unnerving. My SS has his BF over and they are angels. I don't mind that at all. SD having 4 friends up all night in the room by us.....not happening ever again.