I am currently dating a man who has a 6 year old daughter from his previous marriage. He has been divorced for 4 years, and we have been dating for over a year. I am his first relationship since exiting the marriage, and I have no children of my own. He and his daughter have a very close relationship. Almost every aspect of our relationship is great, but I’m having some difficulties with his child and don’t know what to do.

My BF and his ex have 50/50 custody. his ex is currently deployed so he has her full time. I should mention the child has mild autism which I am completely okay with. before he got full custody, we had an issue where his child did not want her mother or grandparents to see me. If he was dropping her off and I was in the car she would want me to hide and would say things such as “I don’t want mom/grandma/grandpa to see her.” she was very adamant about it. This made me very uncomfortable even though I know she’s just a child. I didn’t want to meet her mother bc of it as I didn’t want the child to have a meltdown. We both felt the behavior was odd as her mother is also in a relationship (for about 3 years) and the child seems to love him. The child talks to my BF about him frequently. My BF talked to her about the behavior, and although she didn’t say why, she hasn’t done it again. It still kind of hurts my feelings she didn’t want me to be seen.

My BF and I do not live together and since he got full custody we only see each other about 2/3 days a week. His child sometimes says things like “Why did you bring her” or “I don’t want her to come” when I go out with them, and again I feel extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable. I know it’s silly feeling this way as she is so young but I can’t help it! Some days I feel like she loves me and wants to play but the majority of the time it’s a complete disconnect. With her autism, it can be hard to connect with her because she sometimes has a hard time carrying on a conversation, and when she plays she mostly only wants Dad to play with her. When its us 3, I feel like an outsider as those 2 play and talk and I sit on the sidelines, but not for lack of trying!! My BF also notices this and says it will eventually get better. As his GF, I respect their time alone time together, as I understand it is not going to be easy for her to accept someone else when it has only been her and dad for the last 4 years. I do not want her to feel like I’m taking her dad away from her. At the same time, I love my boyfriend and want to spend time with him and have a relationship with his daughter, but she just doesn’t seem to like me. 

My BF talks about us moving in together, and starting a family of our own. But I’m questioning how we can become a family if I cannot establish some type of a relationship with his child. I don’t expect to be her mother by any means, but I do feel it is essential we have some kind of relationship. I often wonder if things will ever change or if I am wasting my time. I love my BF so much but I don’t want to feel like an outsider if we share a home, or have a divided family if we had children. I know with time it may get better, but I’m curious as to how much time, if any, will it take. Anyone experience this??