I don't know how to address this!!
I was single father to my 15 year old son until he was 8. I met my second wife and we also have 6 year old son together. My wife and my eldest son used to get along just fine until she became pregnant with our son. After she gave birth, things changed. I understand that though. She started to openly favour our son over my eldest and it was pretty obvious. Not only could he pick up on it, but I could to as well.
I did talk to her about after my son brought it to my attention, and she said that he can't love my eldest as much as our youngest. I totally understood where she was coming from. It makes sense that a mother would feel much closer to a biological child over a step child, but I did ask her to just try and ackowledge my son or just have enage in a normal conversation with him. My eldest loved his little brother, but I could tell he was drifting away from my wife. When I talked to him about it, he would just say at everything was fine.
My wife passed away last year from fatal car accident. News of my wife's death really changed the atmosphere of the whole house. Me and my youngest were pretty upset, but my eldest didn't seem to care all that much. He was carrying on as if noting happened.
Just recently, I was told my mother that while she brought up my deceased wife birthday to my eldest and saying that we would all be going to her grave to pay our respects, he said that "people come, people go. It's pointless to care". I did talk to my son in private about his response and he responded by saying that, my wife's death didn't really bother him that much. She wasn't much anything to him. He then goes on to say that he overheard that conversation that I had with my wife about the differential treatment that was happening and since then he stopped really caring about her. He's not happy about her death, but he's not sad either. To him her death is no more important that a random strangers death to him. I was kind of shocked. He said that he's only playing a role of good big brother because he has to, not because he wants to. My wife had favoured our son over him, so he doesn't really care what happens to him either. He said that if the youngest was in the car with her, he would still be indifferent about it. The only person in the house whose death would actually affect him would me mine because he considers me to be both his mom and dad. While the youngest had both my wife and I, he only had me. This was very shocking for me to hear. He didn't want to go her grave because he thought it would be disrepectful to her because he's not bothered at all by her absence, and so he didn't go. He's an excellent role model to my youngest. He plays catch with him, takes him to the park, reads to him, watches over him while I'm at work. My youngest loves his older brother, but it hurts knowing my son does not feel the same away about him and he's just playing the role because he has to.
I don't know how to address this?
Glad you shared
Welcome to ST. Glad you wrote & hoping others who have lost their spouse can provide you with some insights. Your son sounds like a smart, honest young man and I am glad he could talk to you about his feelings and perceptions.
I personally don’t think
I personally don’t think there is anything too terribly wrong with his reaction. I think that would be a normal reaction given the situation. I also wouldn’t try to guilt him into mourning, or anything of that nature. She didn’t care for him on that level and let it be felt, so honestly he did what most would and turned off his care for her in return.
i think that him and your younger son will develop a relationship with time that is outside of associating it to her.... it will just take time. There is also a big age gap. My DD has siblings on her dads side as well- she cannot stand her younger brother who is 9 years younger than her- she just finds him ultra annoying. She loves him deep down im sure, but because of the age gap it is fairly hard to really bond. I’m sure as they get older they will bond more and their relationship will change- but if not, hey that’s ok too. There are plenty of siblings who don’t get along or aren’t close.... even ones in nuclear families.
People also express grief in different ways. I would maybe ask him if he would like to talk to someone about all that has happened (if he would like to). But I think pretty much I would drop it, let his bond with you grow and let his bond with his brother grow naturally.
The good part of this is - he
The good part of this is - he knows you saw how she treated him differently and tried to work on it with her.
My guess is that he does care very much, he's just put up a wall to avoid feeling hurt and pain. This is what society teaches males to do, unfortunately. Just give it time and focus on the relationship between the boys. It sounds like he does love his brother, he's just been resentful of him getting more from your wife.
What a sad situation. I do get that women are more attached to bio children than steps, that's normal - but to completely change and ignore the stepkid after a bio kid is born is just selfish. Especially if that step kid has seen you as his only mother figure. Essentially, he's now lost two mothers and that will affect how much he feels others can love him in the future.
Just let it be for now, but give your son permission to feel whatever he feels. Therapy wouldn't hurt either.
I am very sorry for all involved
This is an incredibly difficult situation, and my heart goes out to everyone. I think your older son is very mature. I think everyone is entiteld to their own feelings, and it seems like even though he might not have brotherly feelings now, he is at least nice to younger half brother. You cannot change how someone feels, and his actions seem fine.
The most important thing is your son TALKS to you!
Try to keep that line of communication open. Take him out on a routine basis and spend some time alone with him so he can continue to have these candid conversations. Even if it's just going out for a donut on Sunday mornings, whatever ... something the two of you can do together for a short time.
Be sure to tell him how proud you are that he is honest with his feelings, but also balance that with the recognition that you and youngest son (and others) ARE mourning the loss. This loss will always be with those who cared for your wife and he should be compassionate of this.
Being a teen, he still doesn't have the right filters in place to understand this. If he did, he would have understood the importance of showing his respects and going to the funeral. It is normal he is seeing this from his teen-focused lens.
The thing you should be careful of going forward is that the two boys' relationship doesn't go downhill. The younger one will pick up on the older's lack of sympathy if he hasn't already.
I agree with others that the three of you need to seek out some grief counseling to go forward. If you have a non-profit hospice organization in your community, they often have grief counseling free of charge so it might be worth looking into. Keep the kids' primary physician involved, too, so they can recommend other therapy if needed.
I'm sorry for your loss and wish you all the best as you travel this road.
I'm not sure why some think
I'm not sure why some think your eldest is "mature" because he certainly isn't acting like it. A mature person would acknowledge that you're grieving and wouldn't be such a cold fish about it. A mature person would understand a new mother would be more attached to her biochild.
I seriously doubt the changes you perceived were all because of your late wife. The second I became pregnant, my teen skids started straight up ignoring me. They became "indifferent" to me immediately. I didn't have to die to become a ghost to them.
Please don't make the same mistakes this time around with your youngest. The world doesn't revolve around your children. They are not your friends. If you spend every single minute of your time doting on them because of your guilt, you will be setting up the next woman for a world of pain.
And your son needs therapy. He probably needed it at 6/7/8 years old or whenever his birth mom took off, but it's better late than never. He needs his mess of emotions sorted out before your youngest realizes his adored older brother doesn't give two shits about him.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Regardless of what your son says, he's being such a great big brother that I suspect he might have more feelings for his brother than he admits or realizes.
See how this shakes out. Don't force him to grieve. Just let the bond between the two sons take its natural course because it sounds as if it's going well, regardless of what your son says.
It might be hard for you to grieve knowing how your son feels, but give him a pass on this. Everyone is doing the best they can with the new situation. The boys have several years ahead of them in the same household and with you at the helm, I think they'll do great.
I call bullshit on your
I call bullshit on your eldest's perspective. His engagement and the active love he shows to his younger bother is the proof that he is bullshitting himself and everyone else. He is grieving the loss of his SM though for him it has a more complex dynamic than it has for you and your youngest. While you lost your wife and your youngest lost his mom your eldest has the grief of that loss as well as the grief of knowing that she disliked him and likely guilt over his chosen position of behaving as he doesn't care. This kid is hurting.
Get him some help.
Keep the communication ongoing
with him. It's awesome that he talks openly with you. I kind of wonder if he's grieving on multiple different levels. 1. Someone he knew died suddenly. 2. He probably wanted to be close to that person but didn't really get the chance. 3. He overheard the conversation.
He may also be internally raging that he was rejected and now doesn't know what to do with all of these different feelings.
You can't force feelings or
You can't force feelings or closeness. Your sons are still young and will develop their own relationship dyamics. I get that you want things to be different but the reality is that half siblings are generally not as close as full bio siblings. Things may change in the future or not but that is their decision not yours.