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The hardest thing about being a stepparent

stepparent111's picture

Submitted by stepparent111 on Tue, 10/16/2018 - 4:34pm

You know what the hardest thing about being a Sp is. The fact that he doesn't even want to be with us and has to because he is a bad kid. You know how you all have court arrangements and visitation and yada yada yada. While this kids mother had him and was living with her parents and literally the grandparents called dad and says come get him now because he is embarrasing us in the community and if you don't get him we are giving him up for adoption. Like WTF right. Dad goes and gets him and kid balls his ass off not wanting to go with dad. He didnt want to leave his mother and grandparents but they made him and he doesn't like us wants to go back to them and dad tries to do the right thing all the time with the insolence and I just wish we never got him and just paid CS like every other dad. I'd love a paternity test too because he looks nothing like his dad. I surely found out the hard way just how bad a 14 year old can be and now he embarrases us in the community and you know what he's not even my kid, acts like me in no way shape or form, and people in my community think he's mine and judge me off of his actions and I am innocent and I wish we never got him. It's true as bad and monstrous as I sound...

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Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 10/16/2018 - 7:36pm

Your story is not new here. There are others whose spouse gained primary custody and have a hellish life.

Can you disengage in any way? I would (and did) refuse to go out in public with a 14yo who cannot behave or conduct himself with good manners.

ETA: When I said your story is not new here,  I did not mean to come across as uncaring, but that it isn't uncommon. 

amyburemt's picture

Submitted by amyburemt on Tue, 10/16/2018 - 7:34pm

and has anyone brought his behavior to the attention of his dr? The other posts say he has ADHD which is very challenging but i'm wondering if it would help you and dh to get some help on how to deal with an ADHD child and get  some coping skills? And I would push the Dr. for some more testing to make sure you are not dealing with some type of autism. Now one of the other approaches you can take besides disengaging from him is to look at it through his eyes. He may be feeling that he has been basically rejected by every family member he has. This is the problem I have with people who say "come pick your kid up I can't deal with him because he's embarassing". Kids, especially teens are sometimes a nightmare to deal with but they also need stability. He hasn't had this. The adults in his life give him to the other adults when they can't figure out how to deal with him. Now imagine trying to cope with that along with having something like ADHD where things that are normal to others are 10 times harder for him.

stepparent111's picture

Submitted by stepparent111 on Mon, 10/29/2018 - 5:23pm

Your so right I need to have some empathy and I agree that he seems to have more of a learning disability than ADHD which they kind of lump grouped him into.

secret's picture

Submitted by secret on Wed, 10/17/2018 - 6:20am

See in instances like this i would have no problem telling the kid that his behaviour is what got him there.

Straight out : you behaved like an arsehole gor long enough that they'd had enough of your behaviour...so now you're here...and if yoi want to go back you better behave in a way thay makes them want you back cuz nobody wants to be around an arsehole.

When my son had an attitude burst one fay I shipped him off to his dad's for an extra few days before his week, and ignored any texts from him. When he came back, i told him he was at a fork in the road... He could continue to act out, but that I didn't want to be around someone who treated me that way...and that I could just as easily rid myself if his presence by providing support money to his father, or to a group home if his father didn't want to be around that attitude either... That he was my son and love him, that doesn't make me his punching bag...and that just because I'm his mother, doesn't mean I'm required to be around him.... And that he either had to smarten up and cut the shit, or we could cut ties and call it a day.

Of course on the inside i was dying... But he was sure I'd follow through because follow through is how I parent.

over a year later, we have a stronger bond than ever...and he's one of the most helpful, considerate respectful 16 year olds I've ever met.

Sometimes the truth is ugly...but the illusion is uglier... Maybe it's time he learns that you can't treat people like shit and expect them to take it.